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Feeling depressed and suicidal

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Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:55 am

Feeling depressed and suicidal

Postby ohygd » Sun Jan 13, 2019 2:09 am

I recently stopped taking my anti-depressants because I felt as if they were not working, and I had a lot of negative side effects. I was also tired of having to go to the doctors every 2 weeks or so for a "check up" because it felt a bit like a counselling/therapy session. I stopped taking them at a bad time - when I was at home for Christmas, with my parents who have financial issues and are currently in the process of getting a divorce which made home a horrible place to be. I never got along well with my parents anyway and I've never felt comfortable talking to them about any of my issues, especially since I feel they are one of the causes of them. While at home, I had two major breakdowns. I had strong suicidal thoughts and it was a struggle trying to not give in. I feel like I have no one to talk to about my issues or the thoughts, even though I have a boyfriend and a couple of friends. Usually spending time with my boyfriend helps me feel better but lately he's been rather occupied with playing a game with friends so he's not spent much time with me, which does make me feel anxious - like he doesn't enjoy talking to me, or that I bore him or annoy him. I also do not feel like I can tell him about the suicidal thoughts because I do not want to worry him. With my friends, well I do not feel close enough to either of them to tell them about my issues. I don't want to be inappropriate by bringing them up out of the blue.
Because of feeling so depressed all through the holidays I haven't been doing any assignments, which are due shortly, but I cannot bring myself to do them which causes me to feel stressed.
I returned to university today and I still feel the same. I've been feeling depressed all day and now I've been having the strong suicidal thoughts again. I dislike being at uni as much as being at home because it's so lonely here, I literally have no one to talk to.
I feel like I've done all I've can to improve my moods. I do not feel like therapists or counsellors work for me because I've been in and out of that for 4 or 5 years. I always turned up to the sessions, but I loathed every second of them. I never felt like I could be fully open with them. I always did the activities my therapist recommended me but none of it was effective.
It's getting harder and harder to not give into the suicidal thoughts. I really do not know what to do anymore, nothing seems to help. Everything feels hopless. I just want to stop being depressed. People always say it will get better but I've been battling it for 4 and a half years now and it hasn't got any better. I don't know how much longer I can cope.

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Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Feeling depressed and suicidal

Postby betterinrecovery » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:09 pm

Hello there!
Thank you for posting.
I think us members of the Forum might be able to help. also I think there are support groups in the university that you might not have heard of that could be supportive too. Also MIND and other mental heath groups run support groups. Here is a good place to start though.
I have just had a quick read of your post. I need time to read it more carefully.
Have you been to the page or look at the MIND posts on you-tube ? I think also runs a support group app.
Anyway I am glad you posted. :!:
Like I said, just need to read your post again.

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Re: Feeling depressed and suicidal

Postby betterinrecovery » Mon Jan 14, 2019 8:20 am

Dear Ohygd
I do hope that you come back here to the forum,
I am a bit under the weather my self but I will try to help the best that I can.
I think I have had a bit of experience of uni life, deadlines and not feeling well, so a good place to start.
Can I suggest that you pop in to see at least one of your tutors to let them know what is going on for you. Try one that you might feel comfortable talking to and of course you will have to speak to the student welfare people about what you are going through.
This might help in two ways - you will feel less alone and you will have let the Faculty know that you are facing a difficult time. In the future if you need to defer your course you will have informed your tutors in good time and will be more likely to get good support.

I would also consider which of your friends are more likely to be understanding of what you are going through and who would be most supportive and then maybe tell them just a bit of what you are going through over coffee.

please still attend lectures, even if you feel really ill. Turning up is good. Turning up may even help lift your mood a bit - even if you are a bit behind in your work.
Turn up (and let the tutors know privately what you are dealing with).
It seems that perhaps your boyfriend is dealing with his own stuff and the games are helping him with this, maybe this is the way he deals with his stress. What ever the reason that he is not so emotionally available to you, shows that you would benefit from a wider support network.
It may be that the student counselling service knows of a support group that is open to new members.

About the counselling - it sounds like you have been having CBT counselling. It is good but it is not effective on its own for many people. Depression that has deep family roots may need more than CBT exercises :idea: In the fullness of time maybe explore some other kinds of counselling like Person Centred or the integrated( approach that borrows from various approaches).

About the meds- it is difficult to come of meds at the best of times, but particularly in winter and at Christmas even harder.
As your mood is so low that it is affecting your ability to function why not go in to see your g.p.
and talk about the anti-depressants and what you should do.
I think it is a smart move to use the g.p. as a counsellor in the sort-term, like you did.

Best wishes B
if you can't get to meet with your lecturers e-mail them and arrange to speak to them at a later date. :idea:

:idea: Try and make a simple plan for getting through today. Include something nice to eat and drink. wearing warm clothing. perhaps going for a bit of a walk. Sleep.
I realise that you have things that you need to do but the above will enable you to function.

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Joined: Sun Jan 13, 2019 1:55 am

Re: Feeling depressed and suicidal

Postby ohygd » Mon Jan 14, 2019 11:42 pm

I'm a bit scared to tell my lecturers about what's going on. Especially since they made it clear that they can't really support me well if I tell them last minute. I have been thinking about going to the student wellbeing service but it's been hard trying to pluck up the courage to go.
I tried reaching out to a friend about one of the issues I've been dealing with, but she lashed out at me and then her boyfriend told me I shouldn't be telling her my issues when she has her own. Which made me feel like a burden and now I don't want to open up to another person in case they say the same.
From what i know my boyfriend isn't dealing with anything stressful atm, I think he just wants to spend time with friends. We did talk about it last night and he was supportive.
I decided to start taking the medication again because of how things have escalated since I stopped.
Thanks for the advice

Posts: 526
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Feeling depressed and suicidal

Postby betterinrecovery » Wed Jan 16, 2019 9:51 am

Hello to you, I am glad that you are thinking of going to student support for help, this is a good step. If you can't get hold of them, phone and e-mail them.

I would recommend that you have a cup of tea and something that you like to eat, you will need the fuel and eating something nice will help raise your mood a bit.

Other things I can recommend is that you still contact your lecturers, they may not be able to do much about your current work load, but if you let them know you are in difficulties now, you will have more help and support in papers that you may need to re-write. (I do know what I am talking about).
Please, do your very best to hand in your papers, they may not be finished but hand them in on time.
if you think it is appropriate, put in a note to your tutors, who, do still have a duty of care to their students.
Also, go now and get a sick note from the gp...really this will be evidence of the struggle you are in.
If you open the communication with your tutors now, you are more likely to get their support now and in the future. Look at it this way, they have a vested interest in you passing -especially as their salaries and grants can depend on it.

So, please be brave....let those people know what is going on with you...I have been at uni and been ill, I was surprised at how supportive and helpful staff can be, and kind too.

you don't say what year you are in?

re: your friends, yep some might be poorly and stressed too and at a later date you may be able to support one another. Right now I think your Gp and student services are good options.

Posts: 526
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Feeling depressed and suicidal

Postby betterinrecovery » Fri Jan 18, 2019 10:29 am

Hi again,
Probably last post on this thread unless you have any news.
Was watching BBC and they were talking about Jo Pavey, the athlete...who if she qualifies will be one the oldest track and field athlete at the next olympics.
Got to thinking that, in modern academic study, tutors and lecturers are a bit like coaches and trainers...they are not aloof anymore, they share ideas and framework and such....a lot of communication. So different approach from school.
I hope you can get help so that the depression is managed and I hope that you can get into communication with tutors and your peer group.
Wishing you all the luck in the world.

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Joined: Fri Feb 01, 2019 12:00 am

Re: Feeling depressed and suicidal

Postby em-j » Fri Feb 01, 2019 12:04 am

I'm new to this website, so not exactly sure how this works.
I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I too am at university, and I identify with many of the things you said. I'm here if you want to talk more about it, and share things. I know it can be hard being so alone. I feel like my mood goes up and down, well not up very much, but it annoys me. I too have had mental health issues for a long time and it wears me down sometimes.

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