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Conflicted

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rreb
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:34 am

Conflicted

Postby rreb » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:53 am

This is a really long story but I don't know who else to talk to or to get help from. I'm planning on going to a therapist Monday but need something sooner.

I've been anxious and depressed since September. It began with my best friend starting to hate me because she didn't think I did enough to celebrate her on her birthday. I'm a sophomore in college and had a solid group of friends. I was finally happy, I finally found people to be friends with. I was having a rough night the night of her birthday- my sister and boyfriend were both having mental breakdowns because of school and I was extremely overwhelmed myself. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep but a few of our other friends refused to leave our room until 12 to celebrate. But I was dead at that point. I had a shitty day and I was exhausted. So they started screaming and singing and dancing when it hit 12, but I just couldn't. Obviously, I gave her a hug and said happy birthday, but I wasn't going crazy like the others. I didn't think anything of it until the next day when I got a text from one of the girls who was in my room the night before saying that she thought I made my best friend upset because of the way I was acting, meanwhile my best friend was acting completely normal. I wasn't sure what to do so I just texted my best friend saying that if she was upset I was sorry, but this just made her mad. She got so pissed off at me that weekend that she made the rest of my friends not want to talk to me too. I asked her to talk about it but she said that she refused to talk about it until her birthday weekend was over, and I was just upset. Everyone was being mean to me and she wouldn't even talk to me about it. Finally Sunday we talked and she told me everything she was feeling. I listened and apologized even though I didn't think I did anything wrong, and I even tried to make it better by decorating our room on that Monday to make up for it. Well, for about a week she was acting like she was fine with me. But the next week she wouldn't even talk to me. Not a word. Same with the rest of my "friends." So now I have to live with this girl until the end of the year. And that's where it all started. The depression and anxiety were soon to follow.

But now, it's even worse. Once I finally officially got kicked out of that friend group, I was actually feeling a little better, a little less anxious because I didn't have to worry about them anymore. I reached out to some other people to hang out with, and I have been, but I know I'm not the person anyone really sees as a friend or would go to for anything. And now, on top of that, my boyfriend left. He didn't leave me, but he left the country, until May. And this is a whole other story in it of itself, but we're basically planning on getting married even though we're not even 20 yet. We met freshman year of high school and have been dating on and off since sophomore year, but since last January we have been dating solid. He is the only person in this world that I need, and him leaving is the hardest thing that has happened to me. He is not only my boyfriend but my best friend. He's been here for me through everything. He knows me better than I know myself. It hit me really hard in November that I was beyond depressed and that him leaving just wasn't going to help. And this made him depressed too. He became so upset that him leaving made me feel this way that he dind't want to go. But we spent the last 4 weeks at home together over break and our relationship could not have been made stronger. He knows I'm depressed and I hate school and I didn't want him to leave, and he has been here for me through everything. He tells me that I'm his whole world and that he's always thinking about me. And I know that he loves me, I really do. He is the best person in my life. But he left the country on Tuesday, and now he's acting completely different. We used to fight all the time, I couldn't help it, but since he's left I've been trying so hard not to fight. To make it easy on him. Because the day that he left, he was hysterically crying. Saying he didn't want to go. So as hard as it was for me, I wanted to be there for him. He's my baby. He needed me, and I wanted to be there for him. But now, 3 days later and it's like I don't even know him. He's mean to me like he's never been before. He was so mad at me for making him upset about leaving that he's starting to hate me. And he loves it there. And I'm happy for him I really am. But why does he have to act differently towards me and just make me feel worse about everything? I don't know how to stop feeling like this but it's killing me.

Sorry for the long post- hopefully someone can help me though.

breatheinandout
Posts: 358
Joined: Mon Jul 17, 2017 10:03 am
Location: UK

Re: Conflicted

Postby breatheinandout » Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:04 pm

Hi rreb, so sorry to hear what you're going through. Really glad you posted on this forum - it can be a bit quiet but everyone is really helpful and supportive.

The story with that friend group made me mad - it sounds like bullying to me, so toxic. College/ university is such a tough time - you are not the only one struggling, I hope you know that. Getting to know and trust new people after your experience takes time, and you're reaching out already which is wonderful - take it easy and it will happen.

I don't know what to say about the boyfriend: if i wanted to think of the best of him i'd say he is going through change too, we all handle it differently, also the stress that goes with it so give him time - is he acting out as he's away and stressed himself..... But then I don't like thinking that he is treating you so badly. which he is and you don't deserve that.

Brilliant that you're thinking about getting support on Monday - shows you know yourself, you have the strength in you to get through this. Sending hugs xxxx
Why did i pick such a long username?! Do call me Biao :D


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