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Coping with partners depression

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Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2019 10:07 am

Coping with partners depression

Postby debn » Fri Jan 04, 2019 10:30 am

I'm in a lovely relationship 70% of the time. My partner and I have been together nearly 4 years and we have a baby on the way. He has had depression since before we met, taking tablets, but never been to see a counsellor.
Basically, I'm starting to struggle. He says he's really excited for the baby, so it's not that.
He lets things get to him easily. He has a good career, but complains constantly about his job/company/people he works with/commute.
I try to make his life easier for him, food shopping, cooking, planning things etc. I pick up his prescription pills for him when he asks, but if for some reason I'm working later, he'll turn it into a bit of an issue where I feel guilty for not being able to get them. Other things that seem small (he'll ask me, "can we change the bedding later?" ...I just think, yep go and do it. When I feel it needs changing, I'll just do it. I just always feel like i don't have the luxury of asking, what we're having for dinner etc, it's always on me. I'm pregnant and really thought I'd get a bit of pampering from him, but no. He's allowed his feelings, yet he expects me to be happy and positive all the time, when in reality, I'm only human and have my own job etc so I have my own off days. He doesn't like this though, if I want to have a complain about anything, he'll tell me to not be negative.
When we have disagreements, which I think is natural, it turns into an argument that he'll let simmer on all night and the next day. Last night, he asked what was for food, I said fajitas as I know he loves them, but I was feeling particularly tired (last week my dad broken his collar bone, he's in his 70s and has two big dogs, so needs my help, so have been helping him also), and didn't get up right away, so asked if he'd mind chopping the veg. He did so, after stating he isn't sure how to do it, I reminded him he's done so plenty of times, and after I asked if he'd fancy putting the Quorn chicken in to cook them, and he storms into the living room telling me he's doesnt know how and to lay off him!! This upsets me and we argue as I try to calm him and he says he needs to get out of the house (he drinks daily but didn't yesterday) and wanted lager, so I reasoned with him not to, and after some more rowing (I'm only human and can't not react when he acts this way) he went to bed.
He knows he needs help but isn't being proactive to get it, but he'll book other things for himself, so why is he ignoring this issue?
I had a pregnancy scare last week after my dad fell, I felt stressed, and I text him to let him know, so he could come to hospital with me. Upon seeing me, he was moody and said he was struggling to take all the information in. What about comforting me? I'm carrying our child and just wanted his reassurance, yet I ended up being the one to comfort him all day whilst we waited on the scan.
I just want to be able to lean on him, but it's not happening lately as it's all about him. He'll also say very nasty things to me when he's low, calls me boring (before becoming pregnant I'd surf, and I got him into mountain biking, I just don't want to drink all the time) and will put me down by calling me dopey, but says that he's saying it 'with love's. If someone is told they're something bad for long enough, no matter what the context, it gets to them.
So anyway, as I said, it's not always bad, but it's becoming more regular like this and I want to know how to deal with it. I have my own mental health issues, I suffer with anxiety but have worked hard to help myself. So what I'm saying is, when small things turn into a huge arguement, my anxiety makes me want everything to be sorted ASAP, so I come across as needy, when in reality I just want to know everything is ok. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you

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Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2018 9:15 am

Re: Coping with partners depression

Postby claire81 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:55 pm

Hi there, I've just read your post and am amazed at how calm you sound - I would be furious! Obviously he is unwell, but we (as partners) are constantly told to go easy on them and not push them and, "if they had a broken leg you wouldn't expect them to walk to the shops". But I would certainly expect a grown man to be able to cook dinner for you both when you are carrying his child. Everything should be about you and baby at the moment and if he has problems that prevent him from supporting you he needs to sort that out.

Has he ever had big responsibilites before? E.g. kids, adult stuff? I just wonder because if you are both young and he has only ever had to think about himself he might not even be aware that you need more support at the moment. Men (and this is a sweeping generalisation!) seem to underestimate how much work babies are. Its almost like they think the baby is going to be a little pal that they can take swimming and go to the pub with.

Do you have any close friends or family nearby that could step into the breach and help you out a little while he gets himslef sorted? Or maybe if you are good terms with some of his friends and could have a word with them to see if they can talk some sense into him.

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Joined: Fri Jan 04, 2019 10:07 am

Re: Coping with partners depression

Postby debn » Fri Jan 04, 2019 7:28 pm

I do get furious if an argument erupts mind, I can shout until the cows come home! He is 35 and I'm 30, but I guess he's never had real responsibility other than his job, whilst I have grown up in a household where we've had animals and responsibilities. He does cook once in a while, if I ask him to, but then, it's always me answering his questions of how long such and such needs to cook for, which I don't mind, it's the pattern we've fallen into, it's the moods I'm struggling with most..
I feel like you've hit a point there, just about asking if he's ever had responsibilities before. Knowing he hasn't, apart from work can maybe make me think differently on how to manage his moods or ask for help from him. Ive got anxiety (under control), and have got abandonment issues after my parents divorce years ago, and it makes me a bit needy (in terms of wanting him around), so I think maybe I need to step back from doing what I do, even if that's not natural to me, and allow himself to sort himself out a bit more, as when our baby comes along, it'll probably go that way anyway.
I have spoken with his best friend recently and he's told him himself he's thinking of going to counselling about his own issues, butmy partner can tell me all of this, it's just actions speak louder than words.

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Joined: Thu Dec 06, 2018 11:32 pm

Re: Coping with partners depression

Postby rach476 » Sun Jan 20, 2019 8:16 pm

wow this is like my life except for the baby and the alcohol.

I can 100% relate to you on this, I am currently trying to stop doing everything that i do for my partner to try to force him into doing it for himself, I am so worn out by it all so can only imagine how you feel. we have good weeks, not so good weeks and then bad weeks, bad weeks tend to happen when he has time off of work, i get ignored, make all the effort etc sometimes it just gets too much

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