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What is happening?? Violent thoughts

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elle
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2018 7:41 pm

What is happening?? Violent thoughts

Postby elle » Sat Dec 08, 2018 8:04 pm

Recently I've been having these thoughts about hurting police and feeling paranoid that they will hurt me.
I take antipsychotic medication but I don't like to take it. I've had these thoughts before and vivid dreams but they are becoming obsessive. Even to the point I am looking up where to buy weapons like guns. I sort of zone out and then come to and I'm on a private gun selling forum.
I don't have a doctor atm and am not willing to engage with cmht or the hospital as I know they are working with the police and I don't trust them. I am also on a trip to the UK from Australia (I'm Englishbut live there). I go back next week and could see my gp but I don't want to go down that route I want to manage these thoughts myself. Luckily I don't believe I am doing any unusual behaviors.
I have attacked a police officer once before but wasn't charged to due mental health and was hospitalized instead. I think I could be heading there again but I'm not sure. They could just be intrusive thoughts triggered by travel anxiety??
I haven't acted on these thoughts and even though I don't like it I am still taking the medication (but I recently reduced it) as I know if I stop things will get really out of hand and possibly quite dangerous.
I'm not a violent person and I don't like getting stuck in these 'fantasies' about hurting people but at the time I sort of do.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 553
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: What is happening?? Violent thoughts

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sat Dec 08, 2018 8:51 pm

Keep on taking the tablets and at the prescribed dose would be my suggestion

Otherwise you are liable to end up in more trouble

They have been prescribed for a solid reason - according to your post

Don't get excited about managing these thoughts yourself - why does it matter

What matters is getting yourself as well as you can and you should use the assortment of resources available to you - to help you

Posting on this forum is an example of a resources

GP's are not the devil - but trained caring professionals
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

elle
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2018 7:41 pm

Re: What is happening?? Violent thoughts

Postby elle » Sat Dec 08, 2018 9:56 pm

I probably should take more medication but I really don't like it. The amount they want me on is so high sometimes I'm just sedated. I will consider going up a bit more if it quietens my head and helps with the urges.
If it gets worse or if I notice my behaviour change I may see the gp.

But if she tries to make me go back to the hospital I won't go so I'm not sure if she can help me.
The problem is with the police. If they didn't want to hurt me I might be different and more trusting. The psychiatrists at the hospital also can't be trusted. I know for a fact that they are not real good doctors who want to help people. They have their own agenda to make money. It's all a fraud. They will fiddle with the discharge summaries to cover their arsed and for selfish money purposes.
I used to be help seeking but now I know the truth I can't.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 553
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: What is happening?? Violent thoughts

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sat Dec 08, 2018 11:50 pm

Okay

So what ideas do you have for changes to improve things for yourself

And what would you like to change for yourself
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

myheadspacerace
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2018 7:37 pm

Re: What is happening?? Violent thoughts

Postby myheadspacerace » Sun Dec 09, 2018 5:36 pm

Thoughts are just thoughts. Everyone has them. I think sometimes for example what if I were to punch 'him' in the face? 'I could just take a swing' for example. Plus many more every now and again. Don't feel that you are a bad person because of them. They are not you.

elle
Posts: 3
Joined: Sat Dec 08, 2018 7:41 pm

Re: What is happening?? Violent thoughts

Postby elle » Sun Dec 09, 2018 8:13 pm

Yes they are thoughts atm but also beliefs and facts. I don't think I'm a bad person, l like myself alot. I'm actually a very special gifted person. I need to channel my gifts though away from the police and negative feelings.

I've had times where I have spiritual awakenings and I can predict things and I have an incredible connection to nature. Then they make me take more meds and it goes away and it is unfair.
I have read about shamanism (which is what I think I might be) where powers and gifts are mistaken for mental illness. Antipsychoitcs block the messages. This is a reason why I often come off or reduce meds as I want to be the person I was made to be.

However it all goes a bit wrong when I get paranoid thoughts. When it gets extreme I become aggressive toward police and hospital staff.
Ideally I want all the good and none of the bad. Seems to be a fine balance I haven't yet mastered.


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