Recently I've been having these thoughts about hurting police and feeling paranoid that they will hurt me.
I take antipsychotic medication but I don't like to take it. I've had these thoughts before and vivid dreams but they are becoming obsessive. Even to the point I am looking up where to buy weapons like guns. I sort of zone out and then come to and I'm on a private gun selling forum.
I don't have a doctor atm and am not willing to engage with cmht or the hospital as I know they are working with the police and I don't trust them. I am also on a trip to the UK from Australia (I'm Englishbut live there). I go back next week and could see my gp but I don't want to go down that route I want to manage these thoughts myself. Luckily I don't believe I am doing any unusual behaviors.
I have attacked a police officer once before but wasn't charged to due mental health and was hospitalized instead. I think I could be heading there again but I'm not sure. They could just be intrusive thoughts triggered by travel anxiety??
I haven't acted on these thoughts and even though I don't like it I am still taking the medication (but I recently reduced it) as I know if I stop things will get really out of hand and possibly quite dangerous.
I'm not a violent person and I don't like getting stuck in these 'fantasies' about hurting people but at the time I sort of do.