What is happening?? Violent thoughts

[elle]

Recently I've been having these thoughts about hurting police and feeling paranoid that they will hurt me.
I take antipsychotic medication but I don't like to take it. I've had these thoughts before and vivid dreams but they are becoming obsessive. Even to the point I am looking up where to buy weapons like guns. I sort of zone out and then come to and I'm on a private gun selling forum.
I don't have a doctor atm and am not willing to engage with cmht or the hospital as I know they are working with the police and I don't trust them. I am also on a trip to the UK from Australia (I'm Englishbut live there). I go back next week and could see my gp but I don't want to go down that route I want to manage these thoughts myself. Luckily I don't believe I am doing any unusual behaviors.
I have attacked a police officer once before but wasn't charged to due mental health and was hospitalized instead. I think I could be heading there again but I'm not sure. They could just be intrusive thoughts triggered by travel anxiety??
I haven't acted on these thoughts and even though I don't like it I am still taking the medication (but I recently reduced it) as I know if I stop things will get really out of hand and possibly quite dangerous.
I'm not a violent person and I don't like getting stuck in these 'fantasies' about hurting people but at the time I sort of do.

[upwards-is-the-aim]

Keep on taking the tablets and at the prescribed dose would be my suggestion

Otherwise you are liable to end up in more trouble

They have been prescribed for a solid reason - according to your post

Don't get excited about managing these thoughts yourself - why does it matter

What matters is getting yourself as well as you can and you should use the assortment of resources available to you - to help you

Posting on this forum is an example of a resources

GP's are not the devil - but trained caring professionals

[elle]

I probably should take more medication but I really don't like it. The amount they want me on is so high sometimes I'm just sedated. I will consider going up a bit more if it quietens my head and helps with the urges.
If it gets worse or if I notice my behaviour change I may see the gp.

But if she tries to make me go back to the hospital I won't go so I'm not sure if she can help me.
The problem is with the police. If they didn't want to hurt me I might be different and more trusting. The psychiatrists at the hospital also can't be trusted. I know for a fact that they are not real good doctors who want to help people. They have their own agenda to make money. It's all a fraud. They will fiddle with the discharge summaries to cover their arsed and for selfish money purposes.
I used to be help seeking but now I know the truth I can't.

[upwards-is-the-aim]

Okay

So what ideas do you have for changes to improve things for yourself

And what would you like to change for yourself

[myheadspacerace]

Thoughts are just thoughts. Everyone has them. I think sometimes for example what if I were to punch 'him' in the face? 'I could just take a swing' for example. Plus many more every now and again. Don't feel that you are a bad person because of them. They are not you.

[elle]

Yes they are thoughts atm but also beliefs and facts. I don't think I'm a bad person, l like myself alot. I'm actually a very special gifted person. I need to channel my gifts though away from the police and negative feelings.

I've had times where I have spiritual awakenings and I can predict things and I have an incredible connection to nature. Then they make me take more meds and it goes away and it is unfair.
I have read about shamanism (which is what I think I might be) where powers and gifts are mistaken for mental illness. Antipsychoitcs block the messages. This is a reason why I often come off or reduce meds as I want to be the person I was made to be.

However it all goes a bit wrong when I get paranoid thoughts. When it gets extreme I become aggressive toward police and hospital staff.
Ideally I want all the good and none of the bad. Seems to be a fine balance I haven't yet mastered.