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just getting it off my chest

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maisi
Posts: 429
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:29 pm

just getting it off my chest

Postby maisi » Fri Dec 07, 2018 11:50 am

My friend lashed out at me last night, using the issues I'm having trauma therapy about to undermine my calmly expressed, honestly caring point that she's exposing herself and her child to unwise levels of risk. She's defensively said something hurtful to me before, when she was just digging herself into a deeper hole with justifications that don't work, but to use my really serious trauma background, that I am working through now after 20 years of keeping it hidden, has hurt me a lot. I don't have a social circle, can't afford to lose friends, but it will take a lot of sorting out, and I'm still upset today. And have other big priorities today, and in general.

She phoned me for support because another friend has raised concerns to the point she's going to report them if things go much further. She needed to phone me fairly late, so I kept my evening free for that, and I offered support, but just couldn't agree that it's fine to let this guy use her home. So she said something really cold about my inability to defend myself from harm in the past, to say I'm being hypocritical to feel she should consider safety issues. She lies- has told me different versions of fairly key info, and not told me about things I'd need to know to judge whether I am safe round there myself. To be clear, she's not in a relationship with him, and isn't being abused, but is inviting significant risks, and at best a situation her child doesn't need to be around.

To use the issues I'm having therapy for, that are raw now, that I feel lucky to have survived, and that have lifelong, profound impacts- what sort of friend is that? I honestly don't think my reaction is because of my current state, I just think she had no restraint in that moment. Not sure what to say to her. She apologised when I said it wasn't right to do that, but the apology hasn't really helped.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 553
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: just getting it off my chest

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Fri Dec 07, 2018 5:24 pm

Hmmm

Not sure who is in the worse state you or her - but she is doing wrong for sure

It is easier to change your own reactions/behaviour than someone else's - so maybe take it on the chin for a while and then calmly point out what she saying is wring etc

And that you need to be supporting each other and not harming each other and your relationship

So that is she wants your opinion then fine and listen

You may find moving the conversation to email works better - it works in a totally different way and a history builds up that can be seen and read and rearead etc
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

maisi
Posts: 429
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:29 pm

Re: just getting it off my chest

Postby maisi » Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:59 pm

Thanks, yeah I feel I just need to leave her to it for a while. She doesn't want my opinion on this unless I agree there's no problem, or as she puts it 'it's a calculated risk'. I tried 'agree to disagree' but that wasn't accepted. Other people are geographically very close by, concerned, and keeping an eye, so I can back right off. But it has harmed our friendship for me to realise she's been dishonest about things I need to know for my own and potentially my daughter's sake. I'm sure I'll forgive the verbal lashing out with a bit of time, since she did apologise.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1526
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: just getting it off my chest

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:58 pm

Hi

Sorry to hear how that has gone. It must have been so hard to see your friend to use that intimate info to lash out at you. Pretty nasty. As you say, she felt judged, her temper was high and she has apologised, so that is something.

I hope things work out between the two of you.

UITA said 'It is easier to change your own reactions/behaviour than someone else'. I can't agree more. It is understandable to be upset but don't blame yourself because your friend chose to get angry / defensive and escalate. That was her choice, not yours. From what you have said, you were being a friend in giving your view of the threat to her and her child. When she objected, you offered to agree to disagree. Can't say fairer than that, especially as she had not been honest about the environment your daughter and you were visiting.

Hopefully things will calm down and your friendship will heal.

maisi
Posts: 429
Joined: Fri Jul 20, 2018 9:29 pm

Re: just getting it off my chest

Postby maisi » Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:27 pm

Hi,

Thanks, saying it here and getting 2 kind replies and some good advice helped. It just felt really below the belt, but I'm not nearly so bothered now- a bit unimpressed. And I know she's alarmed at people's reactions, worried about losing friendships, but also that she'll never quite see this issue clearly. The length of time I've known her, we'll be ok eventually.

:)


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