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Guess whos writing a book!!!

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sirhugo
Posts: 631
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby sirhugo » Wed Jan 16, 2019 5:19 pm

Chapter 9 – Banging set of tits

So now that I’ve realised that anti-depressant aren’t the magic cure for all that ails me, it’s back to the drawing board. Was still on the waitlist for counselling and was yet to hear anything new. So I struggled through the next few weeks as best I could. Fortunately I had an angel looking over my shoulder

This would be as good a time as any to tell you about the light of my life, my depression defender, my squidgy, dizzy rascal herself. The lovely Lizzie

I met Lizzie almost 12 years ago. Fortunately this was long before all the depression malarkey was buggering my life up. If it was there no way I would have pursued or landed such a wonderful girl.

I wish I could tell it was a case of love at first sight. But that like saying that Siberia is a bit nippy in winter. I saw her across the room and thought “damn, she got a banging set of tits”. Meanwhile, she probably saw me and though “who’s this hobo twat face?” Yes, she thought I was ugly at first. I asked her to give me a rating out of 10 when we first met. Her answer was 4.

FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say I’ve been winding her up about that number for years

We both worked at Primark back in Glasgow when we were both young and unburdened by life experience. I would see her around the sales floor and chat, which would quickly graduate to outrageous flirting, something Lizzie didn’t pick up on. She is an intelligent women in many ways, but in some ways she is a complete ball sack.

I would find any excuse possible to gravitate to the fitting rooms where she worked, so I could flirt some more. She was fun, sweet and down to earth, and with those aforementioned banging tits, I was hooked.

However, I wasn’t Lizzie type, plus she had a boyfriend or two during this period, so I was happy just being friends. We did have one particular evening that sticks out in my memory. We both got very drunk and she invited me back to her place. There was no pelvic tennis that night, but on the upside I was treated to her very special cock tease dance, which caused me to make a few “adjustments” in my trouser region. What I remember most is how easy she was to talk too and how much fun I had that night.

What made me laugh the most was that rumours went round the work about that night. The more I denied that anything happened, the more they all thought I was lying. So while I came across as a chivalrous gentleman, she came across as a slut. Fucking double standards!!!!

Not long afterword’s she left Primark. Fortunately I managed to get her number and stay in touch. By this point I had accepted that I wouldn’t be knobbing her. Then one day out of the blue I got a text from her hinting that she liked someone. When it came out that this someone was me, I nipped up to the rooftops for a song and dance. A couple of weeks after that she asked if she could stay with me for a few days. 11 years later, and I still haven’t got rid of her.
Not a bad result for someone who was a four only a few short months before

It later came out that that her dramatic turnaround had come from an erotic dream she’d had about me. Best fucking dream ever!!!!

We have a fantastic relationship, despite the depression complication. I know what a strain it can put on relationships. I’m sure I’ve made her life a misery at times. I had an ex-girlfriend who I suspect had some mental health issues, although it was never confirmed. Regardless though I don’t feel that depression or any other mental health issue is a valid excuse for treating your partner poorly

My ex would constantly scream abuse at me over the slightest tiny provocation. It got more and more common as time passed. Eventually I left because it was too much to deal with. It was making me miserable and if I think about it, I’m sure this is where my depression first started to manifest. I tried to be supportive and patient but we are only human and can only take so much

in my current relationship, there have been time when I’m particularly lowly, when I can get distant with my partner. There are also times where she irritates me hugely even though she’s not doing anything wrong. But I refuse to take it out on her. It’s my issue and I’ll live with it. I’m not going to drag her down with me

it seems that a lot of people try to push their partners away when there at a low point. Personally I think that’s nuts. These are the times you need your loved ones the most. No matter how bad I feel I know that I love her intensely and I’m going to hang on to what I have and that will never change. Sometimes I feel that she is all I have, so it would be madness to try to get rid of her

ok rant over. Hopefully I didn’t send you all to sleep

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1637
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Jan 19, 2019 12:07 am

I finished reading that with a big smile on my face. Sounds like a great relationship. Pleased for you.

Ps

Love your description of her, any chance of a pic :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

sirhugo
Posts: 631
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby sirhugo » Sat Jan 19, 2019 8:36 pm

You want to see the banging set of tits don’t you :lol:

sirhugo
Posts: 631
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby sirhugo » Sat Jan 26, 2019 8:44 pm

Chapter 10 – Hulk Smash

So the black dog was back with a vengeance, and the brief taste of happiness id had was weighing heavily on my mind. More than ever, everything seemed utterly pointless. This continued until a strange thing happened one day

I woke up feeling really down and the thought of going to work was unbearable. I managed to drag myself there and log in. after a couple of calls I felt lower than whale turds and had no fight left in me at all. I really thought I was going to have to throw in the towel and go home sick

Then I got another call and the guy was an utter cunt sausage. Afterwards I threw my headset down and was considering jumping from the window. Suddenly I thought to myself "if I jumped through this window right now, no one would care. None of them would even notice"

Suddenly instead of being miserable, I was raging. I was really fucking angry at my colleagues, myself, the world, pretty much everything. But after I calmed down, the worst of the misery was gone

The same thing had happened on the day I had first reported my concerns to Dr Dickhead. If I had gotten upset about the situation, I would have walked away and probably giving up on the idea of getting help. But the doctor’s flippant, uncaring attitude had rubbed me the wrong way

This is when I realised for the first time that anger seems to be a motivational tool for me. For example my boss had pissed me off by complaining about my work stats, so my anger lead me to become determined to improve them so I could rub it in her face. My anger at Dr Dickhead make me fight my case harder. And that day my anger gave me the motivation to keep going.

Obviously too much anger is a bad thing, but I have found that small doses can be very useful indeed.

Playing amateur shrink here, in my humble opinion a lot of depression can be traced back to repressed anger, rage or resentment. We haven’t dealt with this anger in our own minds and it has festered, slowly becoming depression. Finding a way to get that anger out can only be beneficial to our mental health

Misery is a really strong emotion. Maybe the way to fight it is to replace it with another emotion just as strong

sirhugo
Posts: 631
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby sirhugo » Wed Jan 30, 2019 11:54 pm

Chapter 11 – The miracle

Praise the lord! A miracle has occurred! Hell has frozen over! Katie Price has stopped being a complete tool for two minutes!

And what is this miracle occurrence? I finally got to the top of the counselling waitlist

(Brief dance break)

Yes my counselling had finally come through. However, by this point I still had fully accepted this situation in my own mind yet. At that point I was convinced that work was the cause of all my problems. So all me and my first counsellor discussed in any depth was how to manage work better. Ultimately, this was only scratching the surface of my surprisingly deep character

It wasn’t a complete waste of time though. Far from it. If it had been a bad experience, or if I had felt it was a complete waste of time, I would have been knocked out for the count. Because it was a pleasant experience, it set me up well for more in depth therapy later on. Also, after having sat quietly in the corner for years, I found just saying stuff out loud to be enormously therapeutic.

In terms of dealing with work I did learn a few useful tips for surviving the days. I will never bounce out of bed and skip to work through fields of daisies, but I at least learned to tolerate the place.

One of the mistakes I was making was thinking constantly about how long was left. How many hours, how many days, how many weeks before it was over? One time, I thought about still doing this shitty job when I was in my sixties and I damn near had a nervous breakdown. In therapy, I learned to stop worrying about the future and instead focus on the moment. By doing this I realised that in the minute to minute of the job, it wasn’t that bad. It was tolerable

I also starting to realise the importance of planning. I would try to plan small things that I enjoyed into my day to break up the monotony. Silly little things like taking a break every few calls to read something online, or going for a walk at lunchtime. Over time these little things started to make a big difference.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1637
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Feb 05, 2019 10:01 pm

Those are really good ways to deal with work.

I once had a job so monotonous that I would convert the hours into seconds and count down in my head all day. That was not healthy :)

sirhugo
Posts: 631
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby sirhugo » Tue Feb 05, 2019 10:08 pm

that's sounds as healthy as deep fried pizza :lol:

shame i dont get to use everything i learned anymore :roll:

sirhugo
Posts: 631
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby sirhugo » Tue Feb 05, 2019 10:12 pm

Chapter 12 - Depression is depressing

Time passed and work slowly became more bearable. I had taken 4 weeks off sick just before the counselling started and the break had played its part. I kept up with the anti-depressants slowly increasing the dosage from 10mg to 20mg (where I went through my brief “cured” phase) to 40mg
I was starting to notice small differences in my mind set and behavior.

For example, I used to be the world’s biggest diva. The slightest little issue could throw me into a foul mood for the whole day. This could be something really small, like the bus being late. I would then proceed to take me bad mood out of the world around me. The worst part was in my own mind everyone else was at fault. It wasn’t my fault that id missed my train, It was Lizzies because she should have made me leave earlier.

Such is the nature of depression. Pretty fucked up huh?

Lizzie once made me piss myself laughing with her brilliant insights into my condition. She one made the following quote.

“Sounds like having depression is really depressing”

No Shit Sherlock!!!!!

The good news was this dive type behaviour was slowly starting to disappear. Thank fuck for that. In hindsight, I wonder how people put up with me during this period. I’m surprised Lizzie didn’t knock me out. She could. The women is surprisingly strong

There were other noticeable changes. I used to have to fight the urge to smack someone in the face with a brick if they got in my way. That impulse was going away. Irritation in general was becoming less of an issue. Best of all I was starting to sleep better

For many years I couldn’t get my brain to shut off enough to let me go to sleep. Only sheer exhaustion would work. I would generally only get 2-3 hours’ sleep a night. Sometimes, for up to a full torturous week, I would get no sleep at all.

This was a hot topic of debate amongst my small circle of friends. They were adamant that I must be getting more sleeping than I was claiming, where I was just as adamant that I was right. One day, I attempted to take a nap on the couch while my friends were there watching TV. The whole time I was aware of everything that was going on around me and could follow the conversation they were having. However, everyone was convinced I was “spark out” and I was apparently snoring like a trooper. I must be the only person in the world who snores when they are awake. Either that or my friend’s definition of sleep is very different from mine

Recently though, I was noticing that at night my crazed, racing mind had calmed somewhat, enough for me to drift off easier. Obviously getting more sleep was having a positive knock off effect for the rest of the day.

So lots of positives, but there was one major downside. The more time passed, the more I was starting to feel like a walking zombie.

I felt dead inside. For example I found out that my mother was in hospital recently. I didn’t have even a tiny flicker of concern or worry. Turned out she was fine but I didn’t know that at the time. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t give a monkeys fuck about anything anymore. If a nuclear war wiped out half the planet I think I would just shrug my shoulders and get on with my day. I know I should care about this stuff but I just didn’t

I’d heard that this was a common side effect of the anti-depressants. They can stop you from feeling the misery, but did they stop you from feeling the happiness too? Was I basically getting lobotomised?

sirhugo
Posts: 631
Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 12:40 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby sirhugo » Mon Feb 11, 2019 6:30 pm

Chapter 13 - Resident Evil

So I struggled with these feelings for the next few weeks. At the same time in work, they had just introduced a new system. While nowadays it works well and is a huge improvement on the old one, when it was first launched it was a big steaming pile of horse shit, and it made my already tough job ten times harder. This, combined with my zombification worries and generally everyday depression-ness, send me into a tailspin. One day, after a particularly trying day, I made a decision

To quote the late, great Owen Hart “Enough is enough!!!! It’s time for a change”

After another morning at work going from zombie to misery to angry in the space of an hour it finally clicked. I can’t go on like this or I will lose my mind. Something has to give

I’d been thinking about this for quite some time and I’d made up my mind. First thing in doing is getting a sick line for at least four weeks. When I return to work, I’m going to get my hours reduced.

Counselling wise, I had finished my first round. I was told if I needed more then I was free to re refer. I had done this, but of course this meant going back on the waiting list for several more months. I decided to ask Dr Dickhead to refer me to other counselling options

I also have to accept the fact that my meds aren't working. I’m going to ask about other options. I decided that I was tired of being a zombie. I spend enough time shooting them on Resident Evil. There was other disturbing side effects id recently noticed. I’d been feeling very weird and all over the place. For example there was one day where I’d start feeling fine, then start to go the familiar numb, zombie way. Then I would feel like I was going crazy. I would be seized with a crazy urge to do something stupid, like hit someone or scream loudly at the top of my lungs. Fortunately I managed to fight these urges

I was starting think it might not be garden variety depression I have. Most likely though, it was a side of effect of the anti-depressants

Finally I decided to stop lying around feeling sorry for myself. I was going to get up and exercise, eat better and generally look after myself more. I was determined that a new and improved Gary was on the way

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1637
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Guess whos writing a book!!!

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Feb 16, 2019 11:13 am

Another good chapter! You are right about effects of ADs at high doses, weird as hell but can be so helpful too. Really good to see the progression in your story. The growing self awareness and ability to see others perspectives plus the shift towards taking actions that help you. Impressive.


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