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Looking for advice

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:32 am

She left me.
She did it tonight.
I just looked at that link. I definitely have dependant personality disorder.
But whatever. She left me. I'm moving in with my dad tomorrow.
Done

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 18, 2018 2:24 pm

Sorry to hear that

It suggests that it was going to happen eventually - in which case it is probably better than a prolonged period of dental pain with the same end result of the tooth being extracted

Don't give up on this forum though - we are still here to support you going forwards

And maybe the space between you both will start to improve things for you both

It is going to be a tough time for you and although she has made the decision - possibly a tough time for her also

Hang on in there mate
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

robin71
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby robin71 » Sun Nov 18, 2018 5:59 pm

my sympathies go out to you.

But your not done, once the shock subsides a new phase In your life will come into focus.
I hope the sense of an immediate urgent problem will fade and you can think more clearly.

Take care, and I agree with up' there are many people prepared to listen.

worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Sun Nov 18, 2018 9:03 pm

I can't stop crying. Like proper balling. I am a complete mess.
I have no idea what to do with myself or what my future will be like. I am currently lying in a single bed in my dad's house, there is not enough room for my clothes never mind anything else, there is no telly or anything I have in my home. It is so unhomely and unwelcoming. I feel like I'm just in the way. I hope there is enough room on the floor for my son's mattress. He is staying tomorrow night. He was here earlier and me and my dad just sat in his living room in silence watching my son play, waiting for her to pick him up. I need to get my own place.
She has been very kind, patient and supportive. I have taken advantage of that and pushed it too far. She has held it together for our son. I have not. She really is an incredible woman.
People keep saying that maybe with time apart she will realise and change her mind or whatever. She made it clear, she took the time to make sure she was making the right decision. This has been 3 months in the making. We are never getting back together. I have to accept that. I haven't accepted yet don't get me wrong, but I need to. False hope only prolonges the pain. And my god the pain is intense. If you want to know how to break a man, show him pain like this. It's unbearable.
I know, I'm listening. Once the initial shock is over I need to find new meaning in my life. And again I thank you guys, this has been a welcomed release. I know what I'm saying is intense but it lets me get it out. And yes I am still not thinking clearly. I do need time.

worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Mon Nov 19, 2018 10:16 am

I woke up at 5 this morning. I felt normal for a second, not upset or devastated. Then I realised where I was and reality hit me like a train. It all came flooding back and my heart broke again.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Mon Nov 19, 2018 1:23 pm

I get the same but over different things - wake okay - feel stressy within about 5 mins

The reality currently is shit for you at the moment it is not worth trying to pretend otherwise

And so this is going to go on and slowly you are going to get things back together - with effort and time

And you are going to end up with a different but also great life

Your wife might have decided out but you have caring qualities that many women would dream of having in their partner

So one day even that will come right again

For now you have to cry and be strong and carry on
And the sooner you get other things happening in your life then the better before you get to low down to want to do anything

Try to get out each day
Maybe go to the pub with your dad and use it as a chance to form a new and different relationship with him

Exercise

Hey do some right swiping on tinder just for the fun/laugh/distraction

Try to plan to do things with your son

What is the situation on the house - whom is going to be paying for what ?
Are you working ?
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Mon Nov 19, 2018 5:33 pm

It is so hard to imagine how my life can ever be good again. I keep thinking that I need to find someone to make me happy again. But that would just be using someone to get over the hurt of her. That is not healthy for me or right for whatever woman comes along. I will just end up needy and getting hurt again. I need to be truly happy within myself before I can be with someone. But that is the hard bit. I don't think I have ever been truly happy within myself. That was part of the problem. I have always found happiness in the people I care about. How can I be happy within myself, without relying on other people when I'm so lonely. It feels like the cause of my misery. I'm confused.
How do you truly raise your self esteem? Seriously are there techniques, I've looked and nothing works. I think this is an area I need to work on, even the root cause of my unhappiness.
I am determined to get out and do things. Running, kick boxing, driving range, all with mates. I need to get them on board though, I can't push it and be needy. These are my intentions but I currently am so low down I don't want to do anything. I hope I don't just give up. I hope, but I don't know right now.
I have spent most of today in our family house. She is at work and he is at school. I have been collecting my things. I could have done it in an hour but I have spent all day here. I don't want to leave. This is my home. I keep going upstairs and smelling her pillow and imagining she is lying there with me hugging me. Everything reminds me of her. It's all so raw.
We haven't figured out the finances yet. We talked about it, she doesn't know if she can afford to stay in the house, she may end up back at her parents. But then my son could be living at his grandparents for 3 years instead of in his own home. And I would move back here for 3 years. I so want to because it feels homely and safe but I'm not sure. It may not allow me to move on. There are too many memories. All I have to do is look at an object we shared or bought together and I'm in tears.
I have thought about tinder. I've never used it before. May give it a shot.
I am working. I had a holiday for Monday and Tuesday. Dreading going back on Wednesday. I told my boss last night because it has been affecting my work. He was very understanding. He is a great guy I'm lucky.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Mon Nov 19, 2018 5:59 pm

Well I cannnot find fault with your attitude and approach

And although you may not be feeling it there is a positive sounding edge in your comments

Maybe you suffer from co-dependency - hey there is even a regular podcast devoted just to that

So boot up your podcast player and go find it and see what you think

You ending up in the family home might not be all bad
I am not sure why you say 3 years though - what happens after that
I think - rather dully - that financial arrangements might be what determines a lot of what happens

Just remember this is all as fresh off the press it can get - and even a week then a month can make a big difference to how you feel about things and see things
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

worriedhusband
Posts: 21
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Tue Nov 20, 2018 11:44 am

So I've just joined tinder, literally just to make myself feel better and maybe chat to some other women. Few swipes in and my wife pops up. Absolutely crushed!! I texted her a couple of angry texts. This is my worst nightmare!!

robin71
Posts: 42
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby robin71 » Tue Nov 20, 2018 7:41 pm

You may think it is strange but I have come to appreciate that pain, like my chest is going to collapse, life always moves on, and if I feel like that when something is lost that pain is inevitable if it was a good thing. To appreciate the memory I am happy to take the pain, and the sobbing.

I don't think it is unusual to only find happiness with others, we are social creatures.
But your right it needs to be done in the right way. So be careful of the internet, question if it is healthy and whether you are ready, it can be a slippery slope.
...
I wrote that before your last message, damn that internet, catches you out every time.
I hope you sent some consolatory texts too, anger is only useful to help you question your own assumptions not not useful in relationships.

Self esteem can be a downward spiral, but I'll try to think about that.

Back to work tomorrow so I wish you well with that, take some breaks away from your desk, go offsite for a coffee, make eye contact with everyone, say hello, time to start noticing how your demeanour can open up other people, your not stuck in a shell.


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