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Looking for advice

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
worriedhusband
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:21 am

Without sounding needy i want to thank you guys for talking to me about it. It actually helps a bit. I am starting to empathise with her a bit which gives me a clearer picture of what i need to do. Still obviously not fully there yet. Some good advice too.

robin71
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:02 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby robin71 » Sun Nov 11, 2018 5:18 pm

Asking for gp help, because you feel a bit sad, thousands have struggled with that before and will continue to do so.
It will be a bit impersonal, but the gp is only the gatekeeper for mh services, the first gp conversation will most likely be an anticlimax, also a relief, but if you feel you should go then go.
As you know you will probably be in the waiting room longer than with the doctor, surrounded by people with sore throats, so you will probably end up with one of them too.

She says your not genuine, and have become needy. I say you have suffered a psychological collapse brought on by stress. You are not functioning as well as you normally do. Hence you are behaving differently. And her drive appears even more driven from your perspective.

Ironically you are probably both being more sincere than ever before, but just can't see it.

To be old fashioned for a moment, men go for attractiveness, women for confidence, if that fits your relationship before, then that may be a turn off for her. (But don't take that too seriously)

Journaling indicates to me your state of mind, possibly more than any thing else, because I am not a psychologist and don't have a mental illness. But when under stress it is some where I go, working it all out on paper helps focus. And third parties help provide an outlet so you can avoid overloading the second person with a rambling monologue.
Hug

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:31 pm

worriedhusband wrote:Without sounding needy .


I am curious about why you even added that

Did you mean it - in which case you are in a mega rut there about how you see yourself

Or was it a joke

Asking for support and help is NOT being needy
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

worriedhusband
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Sun Nov 11, 2018 8:16 pm

I am just terrified of losing her and am desperate to be close to her. I am constantly asking her if there is anything I can do for her, giving her foot rubs, telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is. I am genuine in what I say but as she says it is too clingy and pushing her away. As you say it screams lack of confidence so I need to gain my confidence back. I have realised that being close to her and pandering to her is what I need. I need to stop being selfish and focus on what she needs for her to be happy with me. Space and for me to get myself together.
I was half joking, because we've been talking about neediness. But it has genuinely helped so wanted you to know I appreciate it. That is a bit needy really, thanking you for talking to me.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:00 pm

Er yes - you need to get yourself together - or you will lose her

You and her need a life beyond and outside each other and to also do things together

What you write does sound very clingy and needy
Now I am not saying that is good or bad - some women would love it - some would hate it
But it seems that it is not your wives cup of tea

Have you always been like this or is it a new thing
If not what has changed in your life to change you to this new type of person

And this is not meant as callously as it sounds - but why are you terrified of losing her
There might be something in working that one out
Were you terrified last week last year - the year before

You are using the word terrified - not hate to - or so hope you don't etc

I am asking these questions and saying these things to try and help you think about them
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:01 pm

It has been an interesting journey since your first post.

So I hope you see this thread/forum as doing a useful job
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:04 pm

Do you work at all and if so what are you like at work with your colleagues
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

worriedhusband
Posts: 15
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 10:43 am

Re: Looking for advice

Postby worriedhusband » Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:08 pm

We have just had a chat. We are 1 month into the 6 months she is giving us. She has said that it is only a very slim chance that it will work. She hasn't been happy for years and it is more deep rooted than just my behaviours. Everything I say she shoots down. She has checked out. Basically it's over. What the hell do I do for 5 months. What the fuck do I do after that. How can I not have her in my life. I can't, I just can't. Fuck this shit.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:34 pm

Okay so now we have got to the root of the problem

She is not happy and maybe wants out and you are desperate to stay with her

So answer my previous questions and do not give up hope

5 months is loads of time - have you asked her what she wants
Have you considered Relate

The good thing is that you seem to have a conversation between yourselves and time to try to work out

Have you asked her what has changed for her and when - in a casual chatting it through trying to work it out type of way.
Just say that you are trying to get your head around it all so that you can see where it has all changed/gone wrong

And be brave and ask her does she really just want out now or does she want to see if another 5 months changes things
But again in an enquiring way -not a needy way
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Looking for advice

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:37 pm

worriedhusband wrote: What the hell do I do for 5 months. What the fuck do I do after that. How can I not have her in my life. I can't, I just can't. Fuck this shit.


We can work on these issues later
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself


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