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Ex reached out

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sarahh2018
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 10:02 pm

Ex reached out

Postby sarahh2018 » Tue Nov 06, 2018 1:23 am

Hi Everyone,

I need some advice. My ex that I was dating for over 2.5 years wanted some space. I did no contact for 2 months and he reached out (we havent been together for 8 months but talked back and forth). We talked abit. He has started getting help. Understands that I am not to blame now. Taking accountability for his actions. I asked him what he wanted and he says he is not ready for a relationship right now, that he needs to fix himself. He loves me and misses me but he cannot commit to anyone. He doesn't know what he wants right now.

He wants to be friends.

What should I do? One hand I feel like I won't be respected if I stay as his friend when he says he isn't ready. But on the other, he is finally starting to get things.

Advice please.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Ex reached out

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:17 pm

Well the elephant in the room is do you want him back and if so why and/or why not

Once you are clear on that I think what you do next will be clearer to you because you will know why you are doing it

If you do not want him back - then work out where the line is for you at the moment and stick with that
Maybe it is texts only - phone calls - meet ups once a month etc

And then review and reconsider where that line is every now and then
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Ex reached out

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:18 pm

PS Can you explain the respected bit to me further - I do not understand it implies a lot and maybe on both sides
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

sarahh2018
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 10:02 pm

Re: Ex reached out

Postby sarahh2018 » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:44 pm

Thank you for replying.

I want him back. I miss him everyday. But he says he is not ready to commit and doesn't know what he wants.

The respect piece means this. When a girl hangs around a guy who says hes not sure if he wants her and tries to be his "friend", the guy will lose respect for her. If she valued herself she would walk away.

That is what I am struggling with. How can I be friends with him when I love him and he loves me.

sarahh2018
Posts: 9
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 10:02 pm

Re: Ex reached out

Postby sarahh2018 » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:44 pm

upwards-is-the-aim wrote:PS Can you explain the respected bit to me further - I do not understand it implies a lot and maybe on both sides


Please see my reply

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Ex reached out

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:58 pm

Okay got it

That is not to do with respect IMHO - but to do with protecting yourself and being cautious

Can you cope with being his friend for a bit - skip the friends with benefits stuff - see him socially and then go home or send him home
And if he pushes for sex - just learn to say no for now
Just tell him it is not where you are at at the moment - lose the minutes of passion and push for the bigger game - which is what it sounds as if you want

While also starting to have a life that that is not just to do with him
So that when he rings - sorry you are busy tonight

Making those changes will force him to think differently rather that just mess you about
ANd if it goes somewhere great and if not then - well you are better to know and get on with a new life
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

rsxo
Posts: 814
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: Ex reached out

Postby rsxo » Fri Nov 09, 2018 7:26 pm

Hi Sarah,

That's a tough one. I think it might be best if you let him go - it's clear that you want to be together, but he only wants to be friends. Going back and hoping that you'll be back together again is a dangerous game to play, or saying you'll be friends just to be close to him. Perhaps it's better if this was ended? But it's your choice at the end of the day :)

Much love <3
RSxo <3

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 361
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Ex reached out

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Fri Nov 09, 2018 11:56 pm

I think Sarah might be right

My question is what are you missing about him

And do you think you have some of your own issues that might be worth considering
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself


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