It sounds like you are on some terrible roller coaster ride. Wizzing to the top of emotion and then sinking to the depths of despair. What is worse is that you know that another dark episode will be on the way. I can see that you want to stop and get off.
What I can say is, I know when the darkness is coming and it is terrifying.
I can also say that I did have a psychiatrist, who worked very hard for me a few years ago and without his work I would not be here now.
My pen name is ‘Better in Recovery’ but I have really just now started to feel a bit better, it takes ages but having an understanding partner makes all the difference.
Within the last year I was relying on my husband to get me up and dress me.
I hope they can find a treatment path that suits you.
I know the desperate need to want to die, I just wanted out and I told any medic that would listen.
I stayed alive for my husband and now I am beginning to stay alive for myself.
So what I am saying is, that it is possible to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of death and yet survive..(quoting psalm 23 in the bible).