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Mental Health Awareness Day contains triggers

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
napayshni
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun May 06, 2018 11:01 pm

Mental Health Awareness Day contains triggers

Postby napayshni » Fri Oct 12, 2018 5:09 am

WARNING! If you have a history of self-harming, have an eating disorder or have been a victim of rape or sexual abuse, this may not be ideal for you to read.

So I was diagnosed with depression at 16 when I started seeing a psychiatrist but I knew I had depression at 13 after my parents separated and a family member had been murdered then dealing with constant bullying by this violent person and at 14 I was raped.

At 18 years old I realised I wasn't just bisexual anymore but that I was trapped in the wrong body, I was born female but throughout my childhood I thought I was male, I attended a special needs school and the primary classes had unisex toilets and we didn't have to change in separate changing areas for PE class, we got changed in the classroom but then when I was 11 or 12 and started joining the higher year classes, I noticed I had to use "female" changing rooms and toilets then my body changed and I knew something was wrong. I came out twice, my brother told there was an operation where you can have your sex changed and I told him I wanted it so he told my mother but she told me "Don't be silly, you'll break your father's heart" as my father was very homophobic and I was just 10 at that time. I asked my aunt and my mother how would they feel if I was transgender at 17, they both said they wouldn't love me less but then my mother didn't want me to have it done as she thought I was just a lesbian.

For years when my mother kept accompanying me to my psychiatric appointments she kept telling the psychiatrist "I think it's just a phase" but now she's finally accepted it but she's freaking out about surgery but being transsexual and holding in for so many years made me depressed.

Also I had an eating disorder at one point in my life. I used food for comfort but then I'd overeat then regurgitate because I've been bullied about my weight so I didn't want to gain weight after eating and during college, I'd skip my lunch and spent my lunch money on cigarettes as someone told me that it'd help to lose weight but eventually I stopped as I nearly died from a severe asthma attack, my legs were filled with fluid and my O2 levels were 40% so I had to stay in hospital for nearly a week, the doctor said if I started smoking again, I'd die so I'd stopped but the bulimia continued until I started experiencing stomach ulcers, I had damaged my stomach lining from overeating then regurgitating and had to be placed on gastric resistant medication to get rid of heartburn and indigestion.

Recently I had found out my father who I'm related to sexual abused me when I was a baby and toddler so that's another huge thing I have to deal with as well as losing a lot of people I loved and cared for to tragic events.

My childhood best friend died from terminal bowel cancer at just 21 years old in 2008. He was like a brother to me as well and I lost contact with him after my 16th birthday and when I started college so I feel guilty for not being around when he was going through chemotherapy and radiotherapy etc. as he was always there for me throughout my school years.

Then I had this nice neighbour when I was 25, he knew I struggled with depression and I feel guilt over his death because his children were the same age group as me, I'm worried I stressed him out from my hospital trips after my numerous suicide attempts or from self-harming and I feel like I triggered his heart attack from the stress and also I had a broken ankle, it was in a cast and he was too heavy for me to turn over so I could perform chest compressions. I dialled "999" right away and let the operator hear his aginal breathing. I just felt useless and blame myself for his death. What if he was still alive if he hadn't known I existed?

I started taking Paroxetine aka "Paxil" or "Seroxat" 11 years ago which was a selective serotonin drug, I still suffered from other problems like rapid heartbeats and hypertension so the family doctor placed me on some beta blockers known as Propranolol they stopped my panic attacks for a while but then they came back again, it took until I was 28 or 29 to get the right dosage to stop the panic attacks but then the Paroxetine stopped helping with depression so around early spring this year I started on Fluoxetine aka Prozac, I've noticed I've stopped self-harming frequently and I don't experience horrible withdraw symptoms (electric pulses to the head, nausea, dizziness, confusion, headaches etc) but the only downside of this drug is I've lost my libido and my appetite sometimes changes.

Well, I thought I'd share my mental experience with everyone.

I'm still a newbie so I apologise to the admins and mods if this is in the wrong section.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1414
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Mental Health Awareness Day contains triggers

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sat Oct 13, 2018 8:28 am

Hi & welcome

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. Please try to stay strong.

upwards-is-the-aim
Posts: 72
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Mental Health Awareness Day contains triggers

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sat Oct 13, 2018 10:46 pm

Wow that is a great big ball of shit to deal with

You have all my sympathy but I am way out of my depth to comment much

I assume other than pills you have other coping mechanisms / activities

If so what are they
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself


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