I don't know where to start exactly with introducing myself, am I suppose to have a diagnosis to post in this forum or is it open to anyone?
My story made very short would be: 30 years old, living in France for the last 7 with my French husband and now two children (boy 5 y.o and girl 4 y.o) I have a degree in history which was as much use as a chocolate tea pot here in France so have since gone back to 'school' to become a qualified beautician (because in France you have to be qualified for everything!) I got my first qualification after one year and have done the first year of a two year diploma but I have had to drop out this year as I could not find a job to go alongside my studies which I would need to validate my diploma. Sorry I'm digressing but my point was that I'm unemployed and struggling to get employed, I've had to drop out of school, so the last year has been a 'waste' of time and I had a miscarriage two weeks ago, two days after finding out I was pregnant. I'm trying to stay positive and not slump into a depression but it's getting really hard as every time I try to be proactive and make positive change I just get slapped down.
I've been posting on and off on the bipolaruk forum for the last 5 years but after seeing several psychiatrists in English and French and a psychologist over the last 4 years and never receiving a diagnosis of biploar or anything else for that matter I thought maybe I shouldn't be on a specific forum but rather a more open one.
I'm sorry I'm not being very coherent, I'm really struggling with brain fog at the moment, it feels like it's been a long day but it's only 4pm.
What I wanted to come on here to talk about is I quit smoking in June (for the third time) and I've been successful at staying quit but with all the bad stuff that's been happening I've been wanting to smoke again, not for the nicotine or the 'relaxing' effect, but for one of the reasons I used to smoke: a form of self punishment or self harm. I have the same urges towards food, I want to starve myself or binge on junk foods that will make me hate myself even more. When I was a teenager I used to self harm until one time I cut myself worse than I meant to and my mum found me and when she saw what I'd done she made me promise never to do it again and it's a promise I've kept. But I want to do it. I want to destroy my loving marriage by cheating on my husband, not because I love or lust for anyone in particular I just want to make him hate me as much as I hate me. And maybe even leave me and take my kids away where I could no longer infect them with my misery. I don't know how to stop wanting to punish myself, or how to at least alleviate these feelings in a less destructive way. All I know is it physically and emotionally hurts to be me right now, and I just want it to stop, some times I wish I could stop exisiting, just crawl into bed and not come out but I know it can get better, I know there are better days and I would never do that to my husband and children. But I want to stop hurting.