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Ex-Pat in France

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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:08 pm

Ex-Pat in France

Postby doe88 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:48 pm


I don't know where to start exactly with introducing myself, am I suppose to have a diagnosis to post in this forum or is it open to anyone?

My story made very short would be: 30 years old, living in France for the last 7 with my French husband and now two children (boy 5 y.o and girl 4 y.o) I have a degree in history which was as much use as a chocolate tea pot here in France so have since gone back to 'school' to become a qualified beautician (because in France you have to be qualified for everything!) I got my first qualification after one year and have done the first year of a two year diploma but I have had to drop out this year as I could not find a job to go alongside my studies which I would need to validate my diploma. Sorry I'm digressing but my point was that I'm unemployed and struggling to get employed, I've had to drop out of school, so the last year has been a 'waste' of time and I had a miscarriage two weeks ago, two days after finding out I was pregnant. I'm trying to stay positive and not slump into a depression but it's getting really hard as every time I try to be proactive and make positive change I just get slapped down.

I've been posting on and off on the bipolaruk forum for the last 5 years but after seeing several psychiatrists in English and French and a psychologist over the last 4 years and never receiving a diagnosis of biploar or anything else for that matter I thought maybe I shouldn't be on a specific forum but rather a more open one.

I'm sorry I'm not being very coherent, I'm really struggling with brain fog at the moment, it feels like it's been a long day but it's only 4pm.

What I wanted to come on here to talk about is I quit smoking in June (for the third time) and I've been successful at staying quit but with all the bad stuff that's been happening I've been wanting to smoke again, not for the nicotine or the 'relaxing' effect, but for one of the reasons I used to smoke: a form of self punishment or self harm. I have the same urges towards food, I want to starve myself or binge on junk foods that will make me hate myself even more. When I was a teenager I used to self harm until one time I cut myself worse than I meant to and my mum found me and when she saw what I'd done she made me promise never to do it again and it's a promise I've kept. But I want to do it. I want to destroy my loving marriage by cheating on my husband, not because I love or lust for anyone in particular I just want to make him hate me as much as I hate me. And maybe even leave me and take my kids away where I could no longer infect them with my misery. I don't know how to stop wanting to punish myself, or how to at least alleviate these feelings in a less destructive way. All I know is it physically and emotionally hurts to be me right now, and I just want it to stop, some times I wish I could stop exisiting, just crawl into bed and not come out but I know it can get better, I know there are better days and I would never do that to my husband and children. But I want to stop hurting.

Posts: 553
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Ex-Pat in France

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Wed Oct 10, 2018 6:18 pm

Wow way beyond my knowledge of how to help or advise

You have my sympathy

Can you use your knowledge or experience to help others on the forum

Then even if that does not help you - it might help them

You may also find out more about your own situation by helping others

It is part of that learn one - do one - teach one school of thinking
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

Posts: 2105
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: Ex-Pat in France

Postby christabel » Wed Oct 10, 2018 7:08 pm

Hi doe

It sounds as though you need some help from your GP or whatever is the equivalent in France.
You have been through so much it is not surprising you are feeling rough.
You are not a bad person and don't deserve to be hurting. Please get some help a.s.a.p. to cope with all the emotions you are having to cope with.
Take care and keep posting. Chris

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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2018 3:08 pm

Re: Ex-Pat in France

Postby doe88 » Sat Oct 13, 2018 4:50 pm

Thank you for your replies. I will of course try to participate on other posts and other rooms to help people but I’m not sure I’ll be much help experience wise, perhaps more a sympathetic ear. Whilst I have suffered from depression (and in my opinion hypomania) since I hit puberty around 11/12 years old I’ve not improved particularly, no one has ever tried to help me medically except to put me on meds which never really worked. Now I’m free of meds and trying to find coping methods myself because medical professionals here don’t seem to be interested in helping you manage your mental health or even finding the root cause.

Posts: 38
Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2018 8:28 pm

Re: Ex-Pat in France

Postby thenewkgb » Thu Oct 18, 2018 2:04 am

when I read your story it really moved me. I think your extremely brave.

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