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Screaming in the void

Sometimes you just need to let off steam...
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Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:23 pm

Screaming in the void

Postby mamaboom » Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:38 pm

Warning; it's going to be a long one. I need to vent and I don't know where else to go.

I'm having a really hard time right now. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and as far as the pregnancy is going, we're both healthy, but now I'm worried the stress is going to make me go into early labour.

I am a stay at home mom. In the past 2-3 months I've learned that my husband has a cocaine problem. It's apparently been going on for 5 years and I've had no idea. 2 months in a row he went on 1000$ benders which meant that we didn't have money for rent. I've forgiven him the first time, tried to be reassuring that we'd make it through. We both agreed that he should stop driving cabs seen as that's where he met up with a lot of people that would pressure him to do drugs and "loan" them a lot of money. (I use the term loan loosely; of course we're never going to see that money again)

He found a new job. Didn't pay much, but he would be working reasonable hours instead of those crazy 12h+ shifts he used to work on the cab and with a little budgeting, we'd make it through. He decided it wasn't enough and wanted to drive cabs part time to supplement our income. I asked him if he trusted himself not to fall back into his old ways and assured me he did. I told him If he trusted himself, I would trust him as well. You can see where this is going.

A month after the first incident, it happened again. He was driving his cab, met with some shitty acquaintances and went on another bender, emptying his account and mine in the process. What's much worse is that he felt so ashamed of himself, he felt he couldn't face me. So he disappeared into the woods with the intention of killing himself. He sent me some alarming text messages which clued me in, so I called the police and filed a missing person report. It was the absolute worst day of my life.

Thankfully they found him before he accomplished whatever he was trying to do. He had cut his wrist with a rusty can, apparently threatened an officer, and proceeded to spend a week in emergency mental health care. They let him go, seen as he wasn't considered a danger to himself or others. He tells me he was never going to go through with it, that it was his way of running away from some mob boss who was pressuring him to start working as his delivery boy. To be fair, some parts of that are probably true, I just don't know how much of it actually is.

He stopped driving cabs (thank heavens!) and I made it clear to him that if he ever drove one again, I would take the kids and bail. I can't imagine my life without him, but I had to set limits. I could understand and forgive a relapse, but not if he wasn't making every effort to make sure it didn't happen again. He also left his other job. He is completely burnt out. I support that decision. So it's been about a month now. We don't have any form of income and are waiting for social welfare to kick in. We've been hitting food banks and charities to survive. His parents were kind enough to help support us financially, which allowed us to move into a new (and much smaller) appartment before we got evicted from our previous place. We started moving stuff last week in a rush, and we're still carrying boxes from the old place to this one as we didn't have time to prepare a move and don't have the money to rent a truck.

He doesn't want me anywhere near the old place since the owner, who lives next door, is understandably pissed and also a biker with a history of physical violence. We are scheduled to attend a hearing tomorrow for non payment of rent which will invariably result in us being evicted, so today is probably the last day we can get stuff out of that house. We have so many debts now that we're filing for bankruptcy, so the owner of our previous place will find out tomorrow that he's never going to see a penny of what we owe him. Yeah, after that, we're not setting foot anywhere near that pleasant old biker.

I'm not eating right anymore, barely sleeping at all and spend most of my time crying. My darling son is almost 2 and taking up all the energy I have. I'm not doing much around the house. A few small chores here and there, cooking, changing diapers. That's it. I'm just so lethargic... My husband doesn't feel too good either, understandably. I feel like I'm asking a lot from him. He doesn't want therapy, feels like he should be doing more and doesn't know how to take care of himself. I see him freaking out, cracking under the pressure and I don't know how to help him. Understand, I know his fuck up is why we are here in the first place, but we have to move past it, make things better. Not to mention he is the sweetest, kindest most loving husband and father one could possibly ask for. He's just sick and he needs help. I don't know what to do.

The baby dropped over the weekend and I'm feeling a lot of pressure In my lower belly. I'm worried sick the baby will come early. I'm worried about his health and the fact that we are so not ready. We don't have a bassinet (the one my son used is no longer usable) and we're swimming in boxes. I'm already completely wiped out and I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I'm caring for a newborn and completely sleep deprived. Strangely enough, though, it's a nice change to be worrying about the baby for once as I've had so much else to think about. I know I'm at high risk for postpartum depression. To be fair, though, I'm not sure it's a question of actual depression or just plain reacting to my crappy situation.

I'm not asking for advice or support (although it is always very welcome). I guess I just needed a place to vent. If you're reading this, thank you. That was more than what I can ask for right now.

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Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:40 pm

Re: Screaming in the void

Postby mel14 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:08 pm

Just wanted to let you know that I've read your story and my heart goes out to you, hope things will get better for you soon, try and find someone to talk to and post back here any time, hugs xx

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Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: Screaming in the void

Postby christabel » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:14 pm

Sorry mamaboom I did not come across your post till tonight.

I really hope things improve for you soon. Feel for you.

Will keep you in my thoughts. Chris

Posts: 553
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Screaming in the void

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:25 pm

Wow awesome rant and very justified

I hope it helped you to rant away

And if not - let it be known that it helped me a bit just reading it so Thank You
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

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Joined: Wed Oct 10, 2018 12:20 pm

Re: Screaming in the void

Postby therrill » Wed Oct 17, 2018 11:45 am

Just let it out, Mamaboom. I hope things start improving fast. You're doing the best you can and I commend you on that. Stay strong.

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