Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Wedding 4 days away - Fiance not sure he want to marry

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2018 8:31 pm

Wedding 4 days away - Fiance not sure he want to marry

Postby lucyelane » Tue Oct 02, 2018 9:06 pm


I am reaching out in desperation. My Fiancé (who is diagnosed bipolar and on medication) had a close relationship with a female friend who is also bipolar. I originally completely supported this friendship because I could see the benefit he was getting from having someone who could relate to the challenges that they both experienced. She was also more recently diagnosed, so he also found that helping her to deal with her bipolar helped him. The problem arose when things got intimate between them, I was upset and made it clear that was not acceptable. They agreed never to do it again. Maybe I should have been harsher and insisted that they end the friendship but I didn't.

About two weeks ago, my fiancé spoke to me (he had been drinking) and said that he and female friend (she is polyamorous) wanted to get closer and asked if I would agree to that them spending more time together but he insisted that it wouldn't be sexual. I said no, that given their past, I was not comfortable with that. I explained that whilst I still supported their friendship, it had to remain as that. He agreed not to pursue it.

Then last weekend, it transpires that said female friend again said she wanted to spend considerably more time with him, I have scant details from my fiancé but I believe that this caused a row between them, which spilled over in to Monday. There was constant texting between them (literally he had his phone in his hand permanently) On Monday afternoon, he told me that she had told him to F. off out of her life and that she was no longer coming to our wedding (which is this Saturday) I tried to get more details but was met with anger and told to keep out of it.

As I've just mentioned, our wedding is 4 days away, I am still working in my high pressure job (until Thursday) and trying to finalise and organise all the last few pieces with absolutely no help from him, despite asking and even making a list of tasks that he could easily pick up. So last night in, unable to sleep and him asleep in the other room I sent him an email (he does not listen when he is in this mood, so email was my only choice and we have both used it successfully in the past a) trying to explain that I was upset that his entire focus was on his relationship with this other woman. That I was feeling very alone in our relationship, in what really should be one of our happiest times. That I was struggling with my emotions and I'mm be honest, jealousy that he was spending all his energy fighting with her, rather than help out.

Well that went down like a lead balloon. He is now not talking to me, he sent me a text stating, amongst other thing that he "isn't 100% sure he wants Saturday to go ahead at all" He also seems to be blaming me for the breakdown in their friendship, that he hopes that "I feel better, even if it is at his expense" and that "I win"

I am absolutely heartbroken and to be honest I do blame myself for not putting a stop to this the minute they were intimate. I can't share this with my family, my Mum would be distraught, my friends know nothing of their friendship and what transpired and I don't want to tell them, so I am all alone, having paid out thousands of pounds for a day that I am now absolutely dreading (if it in fact goes ahead)

I know no one can help fix this but I just needed to vent. Thank you for reading.

Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2018 8:13 pm

Re: Wedding 4 days away - Fiance not sure he want to marry

Postby supportivewife » Wed Oct 03, 2018 9:35 pm

I just wanted to say that I really feel for what you are going through and can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now. Whilst I can't offer any advice (as really don't know what to advise you and I am struggling in my own marriage at the moment), I hope you and your fiancé work things out and you manage to have a magical wedding day. This must be such a stressful time for you so please try to take care of yourself. Wishing you all the very best. x

Posts: 526
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Wedding 4 days away - Fiance not sure he want to marry

Postby betterinrecovery » Thu Oct 04, 2018 8:07 am

Hi there,
I am just reading your post,
Hoping that you will be able to find some time to yourself to have a rest and to have some good food.
I hope I can write to you here later today.

with very best wishes

Posts: 526
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 10:07 pm

Re: Wedding 4 days away - Fiance not sure he want to marry

Postby betterinrecovery » Thu Oct 04, 2018 7:18 pm

Dear Friend,
would it be a really bad thing if you postponed the wedding?

I am not advising you as what to do,
but it seems like things are in a bit of a muddle just now.
I also think that you would rather marry someone who is really, totally committed to you, someone who will not bring you heart ache by being intimate with other people.

Either way, perhaps speaking to a relate councellor will help in the longer term, but right now, please do what keeps you sane a safe.
If you can't talk to friends and family, please find someone else to speak to...the Samaritans for example.

A wedding is a happy celebration of a commitment of two people to each other, not so?

wishing you safety and calm at this time.

Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2018 8:31 pm

Re: Wedding 4 days away - Fiance not sure he want to marry

Postby lucyelane » Thu Oct 04, 2018 8:58 pm

Hi and thank you to everyone who has responded.

Just to update you, I actually had a text conversation with my fiance's female friend to see if she could shed any light on what is going on. She is of the opinion that my fiancé is pushing me and pushing me to try and break me, so I'd snap and cancel the wedding. That way he has no decision to make, I would be making for him. And I am inclined to agree with her. This wouldn't be the first time he has tried that tactic.

So, whilst I appreciate the suggestion to postpone the wedding, with 1 day to go, that is not feasible. The venue, food and drinks have already been paid in full and people have flown in to the UK. So, I am moving ahead, if he doesn't show up, well then we get to skip the formality of the wedding and move straight in to the party.

I've also let me sister know what is going on, she actually works for a mental health charity, so whilst she will support and defend me as a sister would, she can also hopefully help my fiancé.

Oh and as a little extra gem fun to this situation, my fiances' family don't live in the UK, so on Monday, we (including my sister, Mum and Aunt) are all flying to the southern hemisphere to do a repeat wedding the following Saturday for his family and friends who still live there.

Again, thank you for the support and comments, I hope I am coming across and a bit more positive. Certainly one think my fiancé has never leant - You back me in to a corner, you knock me down, you try and break me.....I will come back stronger, with my head held high!!

Much love to all of you.

Posts: 553
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Wedding 4 days away - Fiance not sure he want to marry

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Tue Oct 09, 2018 10:03 pm

Well - go on what happened
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

Return to “Family, Friends and Carers”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests