’m 24. I currently live in a city around 5 hours from where I grew up, where my parents and best friends live. I’m meant to be going to uni here in September but have been living here and working for over a year. I was living with a close friend however some arguments happened and it was a toxic friendship so I moved and now rent a room in a house with one other person. We get on but are not really good friends and don’t really see each other much. I started on antidepressants 4 years ago have had some time off them when I felt better but always ended up back on them and now accept I might have to be forever. I just started going to counselling at my doctors surgery. My depression has got much worse in the last few months and although I am functioning, going to work etc I do not feel good. I feel hopeless and cannot see a good future. I have thought about suicide every day for a while. I’ve got close to doing it, the only thing stopping me the thought it might not work and I’d be worse off than ever. I have recently had a couple of weeks off work to try to sort my stuff out but it’s not really helped. I’ve talked to my parents and a couple of close friends about my depression. So I feel like I’ve done everything - ADs, counselling, talking - that is suggested and it isn’t helping. I don’t have many friends here and no super close friends, only really people from work who I don’t see often as my job is lone working and my brother lives here but again don’t see him often. So I spend a lot of time alone. The only way I see any hope is moving back to my hometown. I love the place and I think having people close to me around me to socialise with will help get me better. I can’t see how I can get better when I spend all my time alone despite any amount of counselling and medication.
However this obviously means giving up my uni place at a good uni and everyone knowing that. Feel like a fairlure if I do it. I’ll have to live with my parents for a while at least. But if it means I can be happy or get on the road to being happy is it worth it?
I genuinely feel like if I carry on here I will end up dead because each week the suicidal thoughts get more and more of a real option and not just a passing thought. I’ve looked up ways to do it, I’ve thought what I would write in a note, where I’d go. I don’t want to do that to my family and friends. Please give me some advice?