I’m not sure why I’m posting here. Perhaps it’s in the hope that someone will give me a reason to dissuade me from taking my life or out of confusion, guilt, I don’t know.
I have considered ending my life for around 5 years now after being diagnosed with PTSD, Agoraphobia, Depression and Anxiety subsequent to leaving a violent and controlling relationship which not only left me with these illnesses but causing me to lose my home and belongings, family, friends etc.
I have never really felt I ‘belong’ anywhere, growing up in a family where I was the ‘only child’ after my mother remarried and had other children leaving me feeling like an outsider in my own family. I also had no contact with my father after he left when I was 1 year old and went on to have his own family. I am also gay, owing to which I was bullied extensively at School to the point I attempted suicide aged 11. I have also dealt with persecution, homophobia and rejection subsequent to coming out as gay and all my adult life. I was rejected by ‘friends’ and have family members not being understanding of my lifestyle. I have also ever had relationships that were volatile, controlling and oppressive. However, my Grandmother has always loved me without condition, made me feel wanted and always ‘had my back’ so to speak and therefore I have not ended my life as I did not want to her to have to endure any pain and suffering.
Last week, my usually fit and healthy Grandmother took a fall and on being taken to hospital and undergoing tests she was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and has been given only weeks to live. I am having to watch her deteriorate which is killing me and have therefore decided to end my life once she passes. I have begun preparations such as dealing with finances, clearing out my home and saying goodbye to people in a round about way in order for them to not know of my intentions.
I am not afraid of dying but know I have nothing to live for once my Grandmother has passed. Yet I do keep having moments of confusion, reflection and even guilt, knowing I will be leaving my ‘family’ to have to deal with the fallout from this.
As I’ve said I’m not entirely sure why I am even posting here. Perhaps just hoping that someone can give me some advice or say something that will give me some clarity, I really do not know.