Hi lovely, first of all, don’t feel alone, so many people care about you without you even realising it and their lives would change dramatically if you weren’t around. You have so much to live for, does your boyfriend understand how you’re feeling and support you when needed?
It’s a positive thing that you’re back on your meds, a big step forward, so you should feel proud of yourself for taking that step. In my own experience I think a feeling of numbness will always be there underlying no matter how good you are feeling because the fear of being let down haunts you, so a guard is always up.
It’s so important to be able to get all your feelings off your chest because I feel that a build up of emotion is what automatically brings you back to suicidal thoughts, so the smallest things feels like a huge bombshell because previous worries and frustration hasn’t been spoken about and dealt with. Websites like this are amazing for crisis moments when you’re feeling horribly low, just to talk and let it all out.
I know words don’t make everything all better, but things will get better eventually, I can’t express how much people really do care for you even though it doesn’t feel like it. You deserve so much happiness and more, and I wish you the best luck with progressing to feel better and happier.
Look after yourself and remember there ARE people to talk to, we are here.