I was 12 when my father first touched me in a way that I knew wasn't right. Accidental, I told myself. Until the next time......Every Sunday evening, when my Mum went to her church meeting, I became afraid of being alone with my father. He didn't force himself on me. No; it was the suggestions he made. I was a skinny adolescent - and he'd say things like I'd be beautiful when I got something up top. When I got to fourteen and made a close friend at school, he compared me to her. She was far more developed than I. Weekends she spent at our house, I tried to keep my secret - but came the day my father made suggestions to my friend. My dirty little secret was revealed. My friend, however, had a secret of her own. She confessed to me that her brother-in-law had been trying to get her to touch him every time he'd driven her home from baby-sitting her nieces. We kept our secrets between us. My secret was revealed in the worst way, when I was sixteen.
He'd never stopped, all the years between. He'd taken every opportunity to come into my bedroom and make suggestions. One night, I was in bed, suffering from a nasty stomach virus. He came into my room and told me that my stomach was upset because I needed to have sex. Once you've had sex, hed said, you'd crave it. It would cause you to have stomach upsets. My stomach wasn't REALLY upset from the virus my GP had diagnosed, he saidf; it was upset because I needed to have sex. I'd realise that he was right. When I was ready, he said, he'd be more than happy to, 'relieve,' me of my, 'frustration.'
Long story. Went on to the day he died. Along the way, he revealed himself as the predator he really was. My mother couldn't ignore it -as she had all those years. Terrible incident when he showed himself to the wrong person. She told someone else. And my mother blamed ME! I gave up then. I went out off the rails. And STILL he tried to get into my bedroom. Till I took a screwdriver & hammer to the painted-over lock on my door - freed the lock from years of paint. Locked that door every time I entered my room. Mother told me I was being silly. Though she knew what he was trying. At my age, I'm supposed to have come to terms with my past. I haven't. It still haunts me. And I feel I've been punished for keeping that secret. Why else would I have had to endure all I have over recent years?