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my Past is destroying my future trig

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anon
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:28 am

my Past is destroying my future trig

Postby anon » Mon Jun 11, 2018 5:03 am

I’ve never done this before,
I’ve had depressive thoughts since I was six years old, I was abused at that age by a family friend and then when I was 12 and then when I was thirteen, I thought I was numb to it because I didn’t feel anything at the time, but at 11 I went into system I had the most amazing foster mum and my parents loved me very much Evan though they could not meet my needs physically emotionally and intellectually I started school at the age of 12 year 8, I was abused my first week there by year 11 I never told anyone because I thought I had done something to instigate it because he gave me alcohol, before the age of 12 I tried many different substances and got into a lot of trouble when I went into care I was given a second chance at life but on my 13th birthday I was saluted again by a friends big brother I didn’t say anything again because she was my friend I didn’t want to loose her as a friend, then I became a loner I would go to school and have panick attack’s and spend most of lesson in the toilets,I still managed to finish school with 10 GCSEs and all a to c, I went to college and completed my course with a pass because of my soca anxiety I had 20% attendance but still passed because I spent most of t time in the library when students went home or during class, I moved into my own house at 18 I had to start working to pay my way, I got accepted into the police but because I was afraid of rejection I didn’t go to the interview so I got a job at a supermarket working nights so people wouldn’t be around me that much I’ve had four jobs since then and sacked from them all because some days I can’t Evan get out of bed I don’t sleep though I went to the doctors 1 month ago and explained I couldn’t be diagnosed with anything because it would ruin my chances of getting into the police if I ever got better, he gave me anti depressants that help with sleep and social anxiety, I haven’t had a normal sleeping pattern since I was six coz of nightmares I’m afraid to fall asleep because I have them I can’t let my partner see them, I’ve been with him since I was 14 ino it’s crazy coz of what I’ve just explained but it’s got to the point where nothing is enjoyable anymore we argue coz I’m messed up I feel like I have nothing to be hear for no goals or anything I ran out of tablets a week ago and it took me 7 years to go get them coz I was in denial about everything but my past is ruining my life and i can’t talk to anyone coz I protected my family when I went into care I was like nobody could say anything bad about my family but now I resent them all I can’t Evan talk to my mother coz I feel anger and pure annoyance when I see her think about her and father is a old fashioned so I wouldn’t dream about telling him any of this coz it would bring shame on him, I feel like I’m going insane because I know what’s wrong with me but I can’t fix it and if I try I fail I can’t Evan keep a job and I still get interviews I just can’t get the courage to go to them I’ve missed so many opertunities coz of my passed I’m lost it’s just to much, I can’t tell you how great full I am to be able to ofload this, I might not Evan post it but it feels so good to know there’s support out there Evan if I’m afraid to do it in person
Last edited by anon on Mon Jun 11, 2018 6:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

anon
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:28 am

Re: my Past is destroying my future

Postby anon » Mon Jun 11, 2018 5:06 am

I did post this but it took me two weeks sorry for confusion if any at the end of letter

am
Posts: 11
Joined: Sun Jun 10, 2018 9:02 am

Re: my Past is destroying my future trig

Postby am » Mon Jun 11, 2018 7:41 am

Hello.

You’ve had an awful time of it and none of it was your fault.
You’ve been strong and gotten on with it even managed to get your credits from college despite your struggle and for that you deserve a medal , well done !
Maybe you need to speak to someone? , if you feel better writing on here it shows you need to get your emotions and feelings out. Perhaps a practitioner could help you?.
Please don’t let your past destroy your future you deserve much better you are not alone
Stay strong
Annie xx

anon
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:28 am

Re: my Past is destroying my future trig

Postby anon » Mon Jun 11, 2018 10:44 pm

Thank you for replying, I’ve had councillong and therapy before my foster mum thought it was good idea, I went for 3 months it didn’t work.cbt was not for me, when I leave the house I’ve found that having headphones in Evan if music isn’t playing helps me go out without freaking out, I think I’ve just had enough rubbish for a life time, I want to move on but it’s hard when your mentally tormented by your own thoughts everyday, I tend to analyse every word someone speaks and so I just don’t talk to cbt workers because it’s repetitive and drives me crazy coz I just replay everything I think I am just sinical of others because you don’t know what they want and everybody wants something there’s no good deed that is selfless after all,
Thanks for the reply though

Demelza
Posts: 29
Joined: Sat May 03, 2014 12:59 am

Re: my Past is destroying my future trig

Postby Demelza » Thu Jun 14, 2018 3:41 pm

Your phrase ‘I think I’ve had enough rubbish for a lifetime’ just about sums it up.youve been very brave to open up on here .best wishes to you

meggs
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2018 5:07 pm

Re: my Past is destroying my future trig

Postby meggs » Mon Jun 25, 2018 6:19 pm

I was 12 when my father first touched me in a way that I knew wasn't right. Accidental, I told myself. Until the next time......Every Sunday evening, when my Mum went to her church meeting, I became afraid of being alone with my father. He didn't force himself on me. No; it was the suggestions he made. I was a skinny adolescent - and he'd say things like I'd be beautiful when I got something up top. When I got to fourteen and made a close friend at school, he compared me to her. She was far more developed than I. Weekends she spent at our house, I tried to keep my secret - but came the day my father made suggestions to my friend. My dirty little secret was revealed. My friend, however, had a secret of her own. She confessed to me that her brother-in-law had been trying to get her to touch him every time he'd driven her home from baby-sitting her nieces. We kept our secrets between us. My secret was revealed in the worst way, when I was sixteen.
He'd never stopped, all the years between. He'd taken every opportunity to come into my bedroom and make suggestions. One night, I was in bed, suffering from a nasty stomach virus. He came into my room and told me that my stomach was upset because I needed to have sex. Once you've had sex, hed said, you'd crave it. It would cause you to have stomach upsets. My stomach wasn't REALLY upset from the virus my GP had diagnosed, he saidf; it was upset because I needed to have sex. I'd realise that he was right. When I was ready, he said, he'd be more than happy to, 'relieve,' me of my, 'frustration.'
Long story. Went on to the day he died. Along the way, he revealed himself as the predator he really was. My mother couldn't ignore it -as she had all those years. Terrible incident when he showed himself to the wrong person. She told someone else. And my mother blamed ME! I gave up then. I went out off the rails. And STILL he tried to get into my bedroom. Till I took a screwdriver & hammer to the painted-over lock on my door - freed the lock from years of paint. Locked that door every time I entered my room. Mother told me I was being silly. Though she knew what he was trying. At my age, I'm supposed to have come to terms with my past. I haven't. It still haunts me. And I feel I've been punished for keeping that secret. Why else would I have had to endure all I have over recent years?

anon
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Jun 11, 2018 4:28 am

Re: my Past is destroying my future trig

Postby anon » Thu Jul 19, 2018 10:57 am

Hi, I know exactly what your going through, first of all your very strong to have endured so much all those years second of all if our parents can not for what ever reason acept the stuff their actions brought upon us then shame on them, I’ve come to terms with the fact my family can not own up and say sorry for what their actions caused, but let me tell you getting help via a gp goes along way I’ve found, I don’t want to say you have to acept it because you should not and I want to make that very clear but please don’t let it ruin your life there’s so much positivity that you could help others with have you ever thought of doing something job wise in relation to your past, it really could help heal you and others that are suffering or have suffered this abuse. I really really hope you stay strong and show them that what they did to you did not break you and that you have a good life for yourself, there’s no greater power then healing and showing others that they can’t hurt you,
Thank you for sharing your story.


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