Dear Capitalt, I’m so sorry you’re struggling but I read your words and personally found them very helpful.
My partner is very up and down and some of what you said- lavendergirl, felt a bit familiar.
So much of that kind of behaviour is a cry for help, it’s self loathing coming out, frustration and fear.
That said, at no point do you have to put up with abuse.
This may sound easier said than done but you need clear boundaries. Of course be supportive and let him know you love him and want to help, but be clear with him that the things he’s saying are hurting you and that you are human and it’s not ok to keep pushing like this.
As capitalt says, the next step is admitting there is a problem/getting treatment. You could offer to go with him to the docs or an assessment so he knows he’s not alone. He may not want it or be ready but all you can do is try. Having said that someone once said to me ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’, ie for any help to work, he’s got to do it for himself.
It takes a lot of patience to not take being snapped at and, in your case, feeling victimised, personally. So be kind to yourself. I hope what I’ve said is helpful. My partner and I had an argument this evening and he was snapping at me a lot and locked himself in the bathroom and as it turned out, had fallen out with an old friend who hasn’t been a good friend to him while he’s been going through hell. I feel like an arsehole for not having responded with more sensitivity and patience, but it wears me down and I get upset by it too and want to help and can’t and sometimes nothing I say helps. It destroys a little piece of me every time we argue and even with every dip he has. I’ve not been on here in a while as he’s been doing really well until last week. But he’s a lovely person and so kind and I get how horrible and isolating it can be and how trapped it can feel to have the thoughts in your head telling you your worthless- I do have that myself to some extent (which isn’t to diminish anyone’s experience or condition). I just hope that, and I’ve never said this and this sentence is all my own anxiety- that I’m not making him worse. Walking on eggshells so often makes you wonder things like that.
Sorry, I really hope that I’m not saying the wrong things on here. I’m spiralling a bit, it’s late so I’ll stop now.
I hope you’re all doing ok. xx