Funny I have sometimes wondered I wish there was a place I could just go online to let off steam.
Not sure what todays rant is about but basically in a bit of a pickle and trying to work my way through it and getting frustrated.
Really f***ed off about what someone said to me earlier this week. It threw my mood / schedule out. Yes I know what I need to do is learn to step back, rationalise etc. etc. but I'm not superwoman and can't do everything at once.
This week has been s**t. I got back from holiday on Saturday and while it was good I find sometimes it is unhelpful as I car crash in the week after.
Feeling incredibly anxious about work. I have a really stressful job and I am so worried I am underperforming. I've been putting in place strategies like I bought a two page a day diary, so I can have one page for work and one for home. I like writing and I like ticking tasks off so it will work for me better than the email calendar. It's still at the post office waiting to be collected and I need to transfer all the stuff across.
I realised recently that I am depressed. I signed up to online cbt and my homework is to write a schedule of my week including positive activities, then write down against it what I do. It has been giving me anxiety although writing this I am realising it doesn't need to be perfect, and I can start small.
I was meant to meet two friends for dinner but I had to cancel due to travel anxiety plus working late, so missed out on opportunity to lift mood. I was meant to see my brother tomorrow, he is ill so it is a bit draining and have decided to cancel that too. Not sure be very healthy to spend whole weekend alone but can't face seeing people.
I have also got to do some work over the weekend which is a bit rubbish. The only positive other thing would be going for a walk around the nature reserve which is always nice but done so many times before. Maybe I can have bath too, and read relaxing book when done jobs.
I think writing here is good because there is no pressure. The problem when you start telling people your problems is they ask if you are okay, or try and invite you things, or stop inviting you, all of which can make you feel worse when low.
Honestly the root of my problems are a massive health episode I had 18 months ago when I got diagnosed with something. My employer allowed me to work from home as a result but god it has been awful. The problem was my boss did it 'on the side'. If she'd done it properly through HR I would have been given a disability assessment and a plan to ensure well being. As it happens I've just been given one, which has steps in it I've written to ensure well being. Things like take lunch break, regular supervision etc. Problem is the isolation / depression has really set in over last year and now struggling to get into the plan. Don't want to mention depression in case they think I can't manage from home. Not really sure what to do. I think if I can follow the plan, do my CBT then working from home will be ok. But I'm fluctuating between these feelings of fear / low periods, and periods where it's ok. I was thinking about going to docs for medication but it said might take me longer to conceive online - although now I think about it that might only be while you are taking it. I think maybe I will go to my doc for medication, just because I need to give myself a break.
Ok rant done. Positive steps identified:
Make doc appointment to discuss medication
This weekend go for two walks, have a bath and read
Hope this place can help me over coming months while find my way back to well-being.
Night night, thanks for reading xx