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hopeful79
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 10:48 am

New and Looking for Support

Postby hopeful79 » Fri May 18, 2018 11:41 am

Hi Guys,

I guess I'm just looking for people who I can talk to and will help me. I'm 39 years old - a new working mum to a beautiful one year old baby girl, married for 3 years, managers job at a large company on a good salary. On the face of it I should be deliriously happy and compared to a lot of people I have nothing to be depressed about. But I just cant seem to be happy, I always have something I am worrying or stressing about. I've now reached a point where I have realized that I'm not getting any better and that the darker days are outnumbering the light

To give you a bit of history I've had a lot of upheaval and conflict in my life to this point. I was brought up in a violent marriage as an only child where my father used to beat my mother, I spent my time going between huddling up stairs trying to ignore what was going on and doing everything and anything to be peacemaker to try to prevent arguments before they started. At school I was bullied as we couldn't really afford the top range clothes or glasses or toys- my mum worked in a chemist and my dad spent it on pub trips. So I always felt very alone - being bullied at school and then coming home to that environment with no one to speak to or support me. As I moved on to high school I made better friends and had a better time. My mother divorced my dad and I then inherited a stepfather. He was a kind generous man at first and he was really good for my mum - I was happy that she was finally getting the treatment and life she deserved after sacrificing so much for me. But along the way he became controlling, always wanting things done his way or he'd stop talking to us, being nasty and offhand if I chose to stay away from home for the night or go out and there would be damage appearing on my car or personal items. He was also inappropriate with the sexual behavior towards me behind my mums back, putting his hands in places they weren't wanted, I told him to stop or I would tell my mum and my dad and he said that he'd just show them personal letters I had written to my boyfriend if I did. I never ever told her or anyone else about these things that were happening to me as I couldn't bear to put my mum in that position and give her yet more crappy things to deal with - She deserved to have happiness so much more than life had given her. So I took to staying out if I knew my mum wasn't there and never ever being alone with him - but it wasn't always possible. Eventually I moved out and the situation sorted itself in absentia, I was with a partner and we were eventually together for 20 years. 7 years ago I met a man at work that made me feel like Id never felt before, he made me feel alive and hopeful and for the first time I can ever think of in my life I was excited and looking forward to the future in the way I imagine is normal for most people. We were both with other people at the time , he had already separated from his wife, but she didn't want that to happen and was fighting tooth and nail to change it. He has two daughters from that marriage that she told them everything about (They were 15 and 17) and the outcome of that was she mentally messed them up and across the last 7 years they are on and off speaking to him and treating him so badly. I wanted to leave my partner as I was unhappy and felt my life was dribbling away but I struggled as I was scared to hurt people and Id become conditioned to my circumstances. Eventually in 2014 I walked out of the house one day and never went back - We went and stayed with my (Now) husbands family in US to take stock and just have a break from the 3 years of constant attacks and drama. When we went back his daughters were not speaking to him and my mum wasn't speaking to me and didn't want anything to do with me because Id embarrassed her. I apologized more than once and just wanted her to be happy for me but my stepdad was making all the decisions and exercising his control saying they wouldn't accept my husband - on that basis I had to sever ties as without accepting my husband they didn't accept me and we couldn't have a relationship. My husband eventually resolved his younger daughters issues and she came to live with us after falling out with her mother - I did everything I could to show her I accepted her and wanted to be friends with her and classed her as family - I gave her a roof over her head rent free (She was 18 and in a job by then) allowed all her friends to come and stay with her as and when, fed her when she was there, gave her lifts. When she wanted a step on the ladder to better things I got her a job in my office , drove her to and from, lent her and her boyfriend money against a new house they bought. I loved her like my own family. All the while her mother was still mentally abusing them with all of the details they never needed to know despite this being years after divorce and ultimately separation. We got married and his youngest daughter was my bridesmaid and I did everything on the day to make sure she was included. Things ambled along for a while and in July I became pregnant, we had been trying and were happy, we left it until November to break the news to his daughters (At this stage they were 20 and 22) When we did the elder was quite gracious and polite. The younger, the one I had done so much for stormed out in tears. Then came back in and said nothing and left. At work the next day it was horrendous, she was clearly angry and she was getting everyone else in the team to try and alienate me - she made a comment on the phone to someone about a wire coat hanger being the solution to my "situation" told everyone it was disgusting and that she had been let down. She called me any number of names on social media and tried to get everyone in the work area to "gang up" against me. My husband didn't get involved as he said it was a "work related issue" which angered me as he has always been soft where parenting those girls is concerned. I had to go to HR and raise an official complaint and go through an interview process which was saddening. Eventually she left but the damage had already been done. For the last two years she has not once tried to reach out and apologize for the behavior, she has shown no respect whatsoever. It causes rifts as her dad misses them but cant move the situation along as she wont apologize for how she has behave (Apparently she's "not in a good place") and I refuse to reconnect unless I trust there is genuine contrition and respect for building a new start. We have so many arguments about it and I come to the conclusion that this will end up ruining our marriage, I wont allow their half sister, my daughter anywhere near someone that has no respect for me and doesn't have the best interest for her development and mental health. I wont allow my daughter to be poisoned by their drama. I have gone through the biggest events in my life - My wedding and the birth of my child without my mum being there - I have no siblings and all of my friend are still in the town I moved out of so I have no one really - My husband used to be my best friend but now I look at him and I'm convinced he's cheating on me -this is on the back of giving birth and being out of shape - despite him telling me IM beautiful and he loves me. The constant disagreement about his daughters and how that should move forward has been slowly killing us - I just don't feel that he views anything from my perspective - to him its just something that needs sorting and screw whether any apologies have been made - he sometimes says things that come across as blaming me for his estranged children situation which makes me even angrier. He made contact some weeks ago to say he wants it sorting as he's hurting so much and she apparently apologized to him and said she knew she needed to apologize to me and she was wrong and we used to be close and she missed it and she wanted to see her half sister and sais she would contact me when she thought about the right think to say. I waited for that text with an open mind and two weeks later nothing had come, my husband then thought it would be the best thing to chase her again (Against my wishes as if you have to chase an apology its not worth anything) and she said she wasn't in a good place and it wasn't the right time for her to sort this out. Which infuriated me as she is just full of drama and doesn't realize her actions have consequences/ I just feel like every day I wake up, try to be happy and I just cant because I always have something in the back of my mind that I am waiting to blow up, Next month is fathers day so that will be another occurrence of the same argument about his other kids. I just feel like my marriage isn't working because my husband doesn't respect me or think about me in this situation and I have nothing to look forward to - We argue and he tells me I'm selfish and dramatic and never think of what he goes through -I feel alone and I cant snap out of this feeling. I guess I need help?

penguin5
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed May 09, 2018 2:00 pm

Re: New and Looking for Support

Postby penguin5 » Fri May 18, 2018 12:19 pm

Hi hopeful79!

Firstly, thankyou so much for sharing your story! I'm sorry for what you've had to go through in the past, but also well done for getting through it with amazing strength despite having some struggles now - you've overcome so much!

There is quite obviously a lot of unsolved issues which need to be resolved, especially in relation to your husband and his daughters, which are unfairly effecting you (it does sound however that you've done everything that you can). Yes his ex-wife is hurting because of what happened, but that does not give her the right to effect the relationship he has with his children, but also the daughters should be old enough to be able to make up their own minds about their dad without it just being one sided - your husband probably needs to speak to them properly so everything is out in the air so that everything isn't bottled up and repressed.

It also sounds like his youngest daughter was perhaps, despite her age, upset at the fact that you would be busy looking after the new baby that you and her dad have together, that you wouldn't have as much time to spend with her. It's a shame that despite you helping her and almost treating her as your own, that she has lashed out at you like a child out of jealousy - and what she said about your baby at work was completely out of order, but that anger she had also needs to be questioned because that sounds like a lot of hatred.

By the sounds of it all though, the main issue is the complications with your husband and his daughters and once that has been resolved, things will be much easier in your household - but you and your husband also need to talk properly too. I know it sounds so easy to say that you just need to talk things out, but there seems to be anger due to unresolved issues - everyone needs to be honest with how they feel and why, which will be difficult to do so perhaps seek family counselling groups to guide things in the right direction! Please correct me if I'm wrong by the way, as none of this is meant to come across in the wrong way :) happy to talk if you need someone to talk to though, hope things are eventually resolved!

c.j.
Posts: 81
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 2:43 pm

Re: New and Looking for Support

Postby c.j. » Fri May 18, 2018 1:19 pm

Hi, sounds like you have a lot to deal with and understandably drained.

hopeful79
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 10:48 am

Re: New and Looking for Support

Postby hopeful79 » Fri May 18, 2018 8:12 pm

penguin5 wrote:Hi hopeful79!

Firstly, thankyou so much for sharing your story! I'm sorry for what you've had to go through in the past, but also well done for getting through it with amazing strength despite having some struggles now - you've overcome so much!

There is quite obviously a lot of unsolved issues which need to be resolved, especially in relation to your husband and his daughters, which are unfairly effecting you (it does sound however that you've done everything that you can). Yes his ex-wife is hurting because of what happened, but that does not give her the right to effect the relationship he has with his children, but also the daughters should be old enough to be able to make up their own minds about their dad without it just being one sided - your husband probably needs to speak to them properly so everything is out in the air so that everything isn't bottled up and repressed.

It also sounds like his youngest daughter was perhaps, despite her age, upset at the fact that you would be busy looking after the new baby that you and her dad have together, that you wouldn't have as much time to spend with her. It's a shame that despite you helping her and almost treating her as your own, that she has lashed out at you like a child out of jealousy - and what she said about your baby at work was completely out of order, but that anger she had also needs to be questioned because that sounds like a lot of hatred.

By the sounds of it all though, the main issue is the complications with your husband and his daughters and once that has been resolved, things will be much easier in your household - but you and your husband also need to talk properly too. I know it sounds so easy to say that you just need to talk things out, but there seems to be anger due to unresolved issues - everyone needs to be honest with how they feel and why, which will be difficult to do so perhaps seek family counselling groups to guide things in the right direction! Please correct me if I'm wrong by the way, as none of this is meant to come across in the wrong way :) happy to talk if you need someone to talk to though, hope things are eventually resolved!



Hi Penguin, thanks so much for your kind words.
The youngest of his daughters with his pre is partner is a major sore point, every time it comes up I get so angry and defensive- it's like he and his family are now using my daughter like a tool to try and broker a reconciliation but unless she proActively and willingly wants to make amends with me and can show she can be trusted and she can move forward with the new family unit I will not allow it. I cannot allow the kind of drama and negativity they bring into my daughters life and have them poison her and be mentally damaged the way their mother has to them. And your right- such a strong negative reaction like she had comes across as hatred and after everything we/ I have done and the fact she was saying that she lhad Ed me and we were family is even more hurtful.I often feel alone because my own mum doesn't want anything to do with me and I don't really have any of my own family for support, I miss her but she won't come out from my step dads shadow. And most of all I fear for my marriage, because of all this I feel depressed and can't be happy-I look at my husband and I get angry that he doesn't do enough and he doesn't fix it and I'm constantly thinking he's cheating on me ( absolutely no evidence of this) plus my work is getting a lot on top of trying to bring up my daughter as best I can. I don't know how to feel happy again


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