My mind has been restless, im all over the place. My feet's tapping to a rhythm I cnt hear. Heartbeat has been fast, I feel so alone. Head’s aching.
I want to reach out to him. I want to hold him so close, I feel so scared of my mind and of myself. Help me! I feel so alone and embarrassed that I can't live a normal life, I can't talk to him, friends or family as I don't want to worry them. I just feel like a failure and wish I knew where to start to try and get my life back on track.
I realise I’ve been turning into a burden more than anything to him. He’s fed up of me and the state I am in. I was trying so hard not to tell him how bad it is today for me. How my mind has been drowning me. I want to feel better. I want to be healthy. I want to function like a normal person. He doesn’t understand, I don’t blame him. He has his own life to live and worry off. I tried so so hard to contain this, find means on my own to settle it.
I tried reaching out so many times to him, but I just switch it to love messages, I just want him to know I love him whole heartedly, because I know I’m having dark thoughts. Thoughts like how would it feel if I swerve a little into another lane, drive a little too fast, how if I get into an accident. The misery ends with just me. Everyone will have lesser to worry of. I keep on sending him I love yous and hugs tight because I don’t want him to know the extend of how broken I am. I just needed reassurance of his presence and me assuring him, whatever happens to me, just know that you were once loved by someone whole heartedly and will do anything to see you be happy.
I choose to learn to suffer in silence because I know he will get fed up like how he got over putting up with my flaws. I don’t want him to find reasons to not love me. I know I am hard to put up with, might not even worth loving but I appreciate all that I get and I promise I wont demand anything from anyone. It feels like a failure when he doesn’t want to open up and talk to me about his issues and I run to him for all of mine. I cut my hair thinking it will help with my mind. It used to. its not really now.
I think I should start writing letters to everyone if ever anything were to happen. At least, they will have a part of me and know how much they mean to me once I’m gone.