Thank you Lu and Isap for your kind words and support, it's really appreciated.
I was back last year but a member who'd also been on for years said he decided to take his life, he didn't post again and I was too upset to try to keep using the forum.
When it comes to my own suicidal thoughts, I've had them more than half my life. I found an article which helps me a little but it's still distressing that they are always there. In crisis moments it's extremely difficult not to act. I had a plan at the weekend but after finding an article (not the one below) written by a mental health nurse re what would happen if I o'd on co-codamal (from what she'd witnessed)...that put me right off! http://ocdfreedom.com/suicide-ocd-vs-suicidal-thoughts/
I've actually showered and got dressed today, I have cried but I'm trying to push through this.