Partner with depression being very distant

[sparkle101]

Hi all,
Just wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any advice or even reassurance at all.
My partner of 4 years is depressed, however he is very reluctant to seek help about it so is not on medication and does not have any form of therapy. I have tried to advise him to seek him gently and not so gently and my efforts fail. He has the opinion that he can cope with it and it is not so bad, but I see a real change in him when he is feeling down.
He had a head injury when he was younger and i wonder if that is what it stemmed from as he has said this himself.
Recently however his depression has got worse it seems. He left me saying he doesnt love me and needs space but we got back together soon after and he realised this was a mistake. We then went away and it was great but during this time he said things that worried me e.g. that hes not surprised so many young people kill themselves. A while after we got back from holiday he broke up with me again but this time for a few months saying he doesnt love and he doesnt want a relationship right now because he cannot deal with it and needs space. We spoke often during this time, i just let him contact me when he wanted to. We are now back together and have been for around 2 months now. Things were good for a while but now he seems distant.
He does get in touch but not very often, and is not very affectionate, seems quite emotionless towards me though he says love you to me. He also doesnt seem to want to see me that much - we dont live together.
Its hard to deal with as i feel powerless, nothing i say seems to help the situation which has occured for a few weeks now. Im just wondering if this is normal in relationships with depressed partners and will it get better?
Its hard as it makes me feel insecure, as he wont get help so its hard to know whether it is the cause of his depression.
I love him and cant stand seeing him isolate himself so much from me and other things.
Any advice/have people had similar experiences?? I have been quite needy at times and think that may not help. Just wish we could connect more really especially after our recent breakups im so scared itll happen again, or do i give him space and let him talk to me when he wants to/let him arrange things?? Just hate feeling he doesnt love me!

[lilliep]

Hi Sparkle

I’m in a similar situation. After 4 years of being with my man he sent me a text message last September saying that nothing in his life made him happy, we weren’t working and he had to look after himself and shut down emotionally whoever that upset. That came totally out of the blue and was such a shock. He’s refused any help and the counsellor he did agree to see was useless. I’ve stuck by him throughout and offered unconditional love, help and support. We don’t live in the same city (long story) but had plans to move in together when things changed.

We have stayed in contact since that day, not as much as before when we talked daily but enough. We met up every weekend for a meal, a few drinks and a chat. I found his initial coldness towards me very hard to deal with considering we had been very openly loving before. To start with he would barely hold my hand but things improved and after a few months a bit of intimacy crept back into our lives. A few weeks ago he asked me to stay over which was lovely and gave me hope that maybe he was starting to love me again, but the offer was never made again and this week he told me he only loves me as a friend and doesn’t know if he will be able to love me as more than that. He said he was sorry and wished he felt differently as he cared about me and didn’t want to lose me.

All I can say is dealing with how these people make you feel is tough as they have no empathy. Posting here will help as lots of us have been or are in similar situations. I love my man with all my heart but depression has stolen him from me.

Take care

Lillie xxx