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BPD and relationships

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
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Joined: Sat Feb 22, 2014 12:23 am

Re: BPD and relationships

Postby midnightescape » Sat Jul 14, 2018 4:12 pm

missymoo wrote:Recently I have found out that when my fiancé distances himself during a bad crisis period he will seek attention in other females. Not sexually but will go to them as they will listen. Obviously these females don’t know his diagnoses. He will tell them how evil I am and a few days later he will regret the whole thing and realise how stupid he has been.

Is this normal? It’s breaking my heart and I can feel myself getting to the point of a bad spell of depression

I really need someone’s help



Not sure if you are still around but I will reply anyway.

I'm not sure whether it is "normal" but I noticed a similar thing with my ex boyfriend. (We split up last night but this time it is final). BPD is very complex and my experience of it is trying to support someone when they continuously hurt you and disregard your feelings. It isn't necessarily intentional but it is very hard.

If it's making you depressed then that isn't a good sign. It might be worth going to see a counsellor if possible (through the NHS, Mind or a local drop in service).

Unfortunately the reality is that if your fiancé isn't seeking help/doesn't see a problem then this behaviour is unlikely to change. It is very difficult to help someone if they don't want to help themselves.

I was determined to make things work with my ex but it just didn't work out and honestly it was really hard and draining. Things may not be the same for you BUT please make sure you think of your own feelings and mental health first/as well as his because honestly it's draining.

I am here if you need to talk x

Posts: 6
Joined: Mon May 21, 2018 11:32 am

Re: BPD and relationships

Postby missymoo » Sat Jan 05, 2019 11:20 am

Thank you for your response.

I think looking after myself aswell is something I need to make a priority. I have fallen into this downward spiral of doing what he wants just to keep him happy and so that I don’t get bad reactions from him. I myself am new and still learning about BPD and how it affects both me and him. It’s really hard to help him or sit down to talk when he just pushes his diagnoses to one side.

Recently It’s become apparent to me that he tries to say I’m the one who needs help, I’m the one with mental illness that I need to go to see the doctor. He will call his mum and tell her I’m always angry at him, I’m emotionally manipulative, I’m the one making him get angry and lash out both verbally and physically. When I then ask him if it’s truly how he feels and if it might be better that he’s not with me he will go through a rollercoaster of emotions and usually threatens to self harm (which has been common in the past) so I don’t want to risk just leaving because I’m scared of something bad happening.

I have spent the last 8 months or so telling myself and believing I am the nasty and angry person he says I am, but after speaking to people in a similar situation I have come to realise that I’m not. I care for the elderly and young people with special needs and (not being big headed lol) they love the bones off me because I care more than most and I’m a happy bubbly person who makes them laugh and smile. I’ve been using the positive and lovely comments/gestures of appreciation from them to pick myself back up and gain my self confidence back.

I know it’s a bit of a rant :lol: I suppose I’m just looking for a way to gain knowledge/guidance or just to socialise with people who understand.

Thank you for listening xx

Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2018 8:13 pm

Re: BPD and relationships

Postby supportivewife » Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:58 pm


So sorry to hear about everyone's struggles with loved ones with Personality Disorders. Having a husband who has Mixed Personality Disorder and is emotionally unstable is overwhelming at times and really upsetting; but I try to focus on the good qualities that my husband has when he is not being abusive towards me. It is really hard not to take things personally when you are being shouted at, undermined, called names and generally blamed for everything, on a daily basis though, but I try to remember that it is his emotional turmoil taking over and how awful it is for him too. It is easy to go down the road of cutting yourself off from others and focusing everything on supporting your loved one with the disorder, but that only leads to misery and further isolation as I have found. With the new year I am trying to build things for myself by reconnecting with family/friends and trying to lift my spirits with various activities. I do have my good and bad days, more bad than good lately, but I am going to stick by him and hope that one day he will take the help that he so badly needs. Wishing everyone peace and better health for 2019! X :)

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