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I don't know how to stop my mothers metal illness ruining my life

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I don't know how to stop my mothers metal illness ruining my life

Postby skye137 » Thu Mar 15, 2018 10:39 am


5 years ago my Father died suddenly from a heart attack. My brother has special needs and he is my only sibling. My mother has always suffered from mental health issues (I think) although, it seemed my Father managed to keep her illness at bay. Over the past 5 years she has had 6 episodes of clinical depression - which usually last between 6-8 weeks. In between these episodes, she becomes hypermanic (however she was stable and didn't have a low for 3 years) She was admitted to Hospital in October and then diagnosed with Bioplar (which her Mother also had). She was put on new medication and I really thought that she was on the road to recovery. However, she is now going through a massive low again.

I am getting married in 9 weeks (when I got engaged 18 months ago, this was when she had her first low in 3 years). Engagement is meant to be such a happy time but I feel all the happiness has been taken away by this illness, which must be so incredibly hard for my Fiance too. It is my hen do this weekend, which my friends have gone to so much effort to make special and happy for me but I'm just worried i'm not going to be able to enjoy it because I'll be worrying about her. Everyone says I need to be selfish, but it's just not in my nature to be like that, especially towards my Mum or brother. My other family aren't really able to help (Aunts / uncles etc), so are not sharing any of the load! Plus, understandably everyone has their own lives to be getting on with!

I am seeing a therapist regularly, but I just wanted to join this group to see if any of you have been in a similar siutation and any tips you have on how to not let her illness totally ruin my life? I feel as though her illness is becoming mine, because every time she is low - I also go low and feel my life is doomed! I love her so much (of course) and just hate the idea of her feeling so empty, sad and alone - she says she can't see a single positive in her life and although I know that's the 'illness' talking, I find it so upsetting and hurtful. Every day i am worried she is going to commit suicide - I just don't know how I can possibly manage my life with this happening! It's also so hard to know where her 'personality' or 'character' and illness begin and end if this makes sense?

Any advice would be amazing. Thank you!! xx

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Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: I don't know how to stop my mothers metal illness ruining my life

Postby PureFrustr8d » Thu Mar 15, 2018 12:17 pm

Hi Skye137,

Congratulations on your engagement, I'm sure you're going to have an amazing wedding. It will probably be one of the happiest days of your mothers life too. Maybe she was triggered by your announcement. She has those happy memories too of meeting your father, falling in love and marrying. Sadly she is without her husband and that cannot be easy. I think once the wedding is out of the way she might start to digest her emotions a bit better instead of them being kept alive at the moment, if you understand?

I feel for the both of yous. I think it's important you adjust your expectations of your mother. She can't just recovery for you to feel happier, don't you understand she would do it for herself if she was able to. She's not well, that's not your fault. You love her, it's perfectly normal your hurting inside. She probably can't say it from the place she is in emotionally right now but your happiness is important to her. The last thing any good parent wants is to be a burden on their children. I think you need to grieve the loss of that moment that all children want with their mother, it's not happening the way you want it, she's not sharing in your excitement, happy that you are getting married etc...that would make anyone sad and I'm sorry you are not getting that, just cry, let it out. Then ask yourself what you do have? Doesn't it mean the world to you that she is still with you and will be there on your big day? She's not going to be the picture of health you want but she will be there all the same.

Just go and see her before your hen night and make plans to see her after too for your own reassurance. Make it like it's her idea 'would you like me to come to see you (the day after the hen night' ?

Forget those comments about being selfish, that's ridiculous, she's your mother. Just think more about what she would want you do to and my guess is, be happy, worry less.


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Joined: Thu Mar 22, 2018 9:30 am

Re: I don't know how to stop my mothers metal illness ruining my life

Postby imadino » Fri Mar 23, 2018 1:04 pm

Hi Skye137

I don't have any advice (wish I did for you and me both). But I just wanted to reach out and say that I am in a scarily similar situation to you. I'm trying to find supportive forums for families affected by mental illness and if I find any good ones I'll definitely share them with you.

It is impossible to describe how difficult this role reversal is to deal with. I also have a sibling with MH problems who is on the spectrum. I find myself being a single parent to both my sibling and my mother. We do not have any family support either. It's so hard to keep the resentment at bay sometimes. It's a constant internal struggle, I love my mum but she wasn't the best parent to begin with in all honesty and now, through no fault of her own, she has this illness that has blown our little family apart.

I wish you all the best and congratulations on your engagement! You ARE allowed to live your life, this isn't your mum's fault, but it's not yours either.

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Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2017 11:40 am

Re: I don't know how to stop my mothers metal illness ruining my life

Postby beads » Fri May 11, 2018 10:03 am

I’m very similar tht I was born deaf and I have two brothers and mother love my two brothers not me. I had never been hug or effection and mother have two sister one never speak and other sister don’t get on and live far apart. I have mental health and mother is not intresting my life or never txt if I’m ok include my two brothers. I feel lost and lonely and my daughter still still txt me and take me out to cheer me up. Sometime mother told my daughter I’m selfish when I feel low and tht is wrong which cause stir up. Mother hardly visit me at all and I been sucial in the pass and mother said it up to me kill shock and feel numb.i told my daughter who now 25 years old and she said no way mother said tht to me but it true.i feel hurt none of my whole family not intresting tht I’m illness but I stay strong but now I feel like I’m giving up. I don’t know who the hell I was born. I have anger only mother not other people maybe cos mother hurting me more all my life and mother cannot see how cruel she is.
I did shout to mother why did u put me in foster care and mother said I don’t have problem. She alway lovely to other people and neighbour but they blind tht mother is not nice to me since I was born. I have not told anyone and kept to myself.mother alway tell other freind I was rude Or selfish the more freind don’t like me. I told mother stop it u hurting me. She kind of laugh my face but she knew I got mental health other reason and she don’t still in lonely flat and no social life and my daughter live abit far away.the more she push me further I might not be around but I don’t want mother relive I’m gone or get away with it not fair. I don’t know wht do.

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