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voices in my head

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stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Wed Mar 14, 2018 8:15 pm

How do i stop these voices in my head telling me to hurt myself, most of the time i can ignore them but they are now at the stage where it's getting harder and harder not to obey them again.

The last times they got the better of me i've smashed my hand up with a hammer,overdosed and slashed my wrists.

Just don't know what to do anymore, they're even now in my dreams or rather nightmares, afraid to sleep afraid to be awake.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Thu Mar 15, 2018 1:59 pm

Hi Stephsept,

I'm sorry to read about your struggle. Self harm is real difficult, it's really great you want help not to act on these thoughts. It's great that you have reached out instead of acting on them, that is one thing you can do to help yourself. Just to talk about it. Did something trigger? (you don't have to tell me, just yes or no if that's all you prefer to say). For example, when people aren't very kind with me that is a major trigger for me. Sometimes we can be really hard on ourselves and hurt ourselves as punishment, other times it's a way to manage more intense emotions etc. More attention we give to these demands to self harm, the more powerful it becomes and harder to control. It's not your fault you have these instructions in your mind. I just shared a link re self compassion, it would be good if you read up on the subject.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-compassion

I clean non-stop to not hurt myself, practice self compassion, go to sleep, put loud music on, I go online and look at self harm pics which make me feel so sad for the person ...y'know it just looks so wrong and you just wish they didn't do it and sometimes I'll cry and that will make me not want to do the same to myself.

There must be more to this, what you are explaining are symptoms of a bigger problem. What's causing you to feel so unsettled? Your poor mind and body are probably exhausted. Listen to calming music, have a relaxing bath, take a seat and observe your breathing. You need to calm your body down because if your mind is triggered so is your body and if you can't calm your body down your mind will stay triggered. Slow, deep, relaxing....inhale....and exhale. Focus on your breathing, your mind and body will thank you for it.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4386/A- ... -Body.html

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Thu Mar 15, 2018 7:58 pm

The worse voice in my head is 8 year old me punishing me for what i allowed to happen for 5 years.

In my head are many locked boxes holding memories, at time they come open or start to open even though i try to keep them closed, they're triggered by smells, words or even the look of someone, things i have no control over, then the fight begins.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Thu Mar 15, 2018 9:24 pm

You can identify your triggers. New and unexpected triggers are of course more difficult to deal with. Once you know you have been triggered, you tell yourself exactly that - 'I have been triggered'. If it causes flashbacks, the thing I do is something practical...I like to think of it as balancing a negative thought with a positive action. It can be anything at all like getting up and making yourself a cup of tea or hoovering etc.

You have to do the act mindfully. Are you aware of mindfulness? Lets take something mundane like doing the dishes...who doesn't go away in their head when doing the dishes thinking about what they are going to do next, what's for dinner and unfortunately unpleasant thoughts too. Well, when you do something mindfully you fully engage with the activity you are doing, all your attention goes on to it...so you would observe and construct a narrative about doing the dishes...the temperature of the water, the bubbles on the sponge, the smell of your washing-up liquid, how clean the cups are after scrubbing etc What this does is bring you into the here and now and out of the past/memories/flashbacks/voices etc.

When dealing with triggers that involve others (looks, comments, vibes etc), there is a therapy called mentalisation based therapy which has been invaluable for me. I bought a book. My symptoms have not gone away but I do feel better equipped to deal with them. I do have some awful days though when I'm fragile and react but I try so hard not to punish myself for it afterwards because I know all that it does is keep me from recovery.

There are things you can do to help yourself, it is very hard though.

Please read up on self compassion. The subject meant nothing to me until my 20's and I'm so glad I know that self compassion is not something that is there or not, it's up to you to tell yourself I care about my suffering, not to blame yourself, to be gentle with yourself. Teach yourself to care about yourself.

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Sat Mar 17, 2018 1:22 pm

I am trying to care about myself but at the moment it seems to be a loosing battle,have been used and abused by people all my life so at the moment i don't know how to care for myself.

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Sat Mar 17, 2018 3:27 pm

I'm sorry if I've bombarded you with too much info. I know it's a real struggle to care about yourself when you've been used and abused. I don't think I'd still be here if it were not for my young son. Are you away from everyone that has caused you harm? That is the 1st step.

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Sun Mar 18, 2018 3:04 pm

The people involved are now all dead,part of me is glad but part feels let down that i never got justice for what they done to me.
The thing is when i go out i see them in other people,the way they look,smell of their aftershave,stupid little things that send me into a panic attack and i have to get home and shut myself away where i feel safeish.
Like you my son has saved me from a lot,even though he doesn't know it, if not for him i wouldn't be here now,that i know for sure

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby PureFrustr8d » Mon Mar 19, 2018 5:34 pm

I've seen enough to know that justice is never guaranteed.

Have you heard of a book entitled The body Keeps The Score? (brain, mind and body in healing trauma) it's written by Bessel A. van der Kolk. It has helped me so much and I recommend anyone suffering from the consequences of trauma to read it. Things make more sense to me now.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/186 ... -the-score

I'm pleased to hear you too have a little angel :)

Peace

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:23 pm

As i said if it wasn't for him i know i wouldn't be here today. Many times hes pulled me back from the brink without him even knowing it. He knows there's things in my past, thanks to a nurse who started to blurt it out at the hospital on my last admission till i told her to stop. He doesn't need to know what i know.
My own head and memories are my worse enemy.

stephsept
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:56 pm

Re: voices in my head

Postby stephsept » Sat Mar 24, 2018 8:41 pm

Guess i should have turned the music up louder and put the blade down sooner.

Guess a bad day makes the voices louder and more convincing


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