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Sometimes i ask god... why me? *Trig*

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amandasantos
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2018 4:50 pm

Sometimes i ask god... why me? *Trig*

Postby amandasantos » Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:14 pm

Hi there whoever is reading this....

I don't really know what to write on here apart from what I'm feeling or going through. I used to think it was easier to talk to people about what i feel until i started to notice, there's nothing really they can do and sometimes the worse part is some people don't really care if you are feeling down or depressed... they think we are just being lazy, but it's deeper than that. It is not as easy as it sounds or looks to have a mental health issues... i don't like to say problem because its a negative way to put us down even more, i choose issue because every issues can be resolved.

Only a hand full of people know what i been through and iv'e always wanted to brush it off, because i did not like seeing people sad around me, i didn't want people knowing me thru my pain and suffering i wanted them to know me from making them happy because i was around them, and it made happy making those close to me happy... oh so i thought, who's going to make me happy or laugh?

So here it goes At the age of 6, my parents got divorced.. and i had to live with my mother in a different country with my new step-father with my brother, and we had to leave our father behind even though he took care of us when our mother left us. Anyways.. i never wanted to leave my dad's side and was extremely upset that i left him after all he done for us, but my mother had a chance to give us a better life so my father allowed her so, even though he had full custody. At the beginning living with my mum and her new husband was ok, until my step-father started coming into to my room and sexually abuse me, he used to make me do horrible things to him and i used to cry till my eyes burned like the flames of hell, i never understood why this is happening to me.. and how could i? i was 6 years old! as time went by i was rebelling like a demon has possessed me and my mother never understood why i would be acting up, i used to run away almost every night to try and get away from this nightmare and my best friend's mum would let me stay every time and never said a bad word, maybe she knew deep down what was happening to me.. as she would look at me in a way that she was expecting me when i came knocking at their house door at late hours of the evening, she would bath me and tuck me into bed with her daughter just like it was a normal bed time.

Eventually my mother & step-father got the police involved and forbid me to ever see them again, bare in mind my best friend lived in the same road as me.. same bus to school, same class and i couldn't say hi to her until i was in class and even then we couldn't talk because my teacher would always tell me off, so recess was my escape heaven... oh how beautiful it was to play with my friends and not carrying about nothing in this world, sometimes id forget that i even had a family of how happy i was... but it was a shame it only lasted 1 hour.

Years went by, at the age of 10 i became worse and worse, i would hang around with kids twice my age, who smoked, drank did drugs... and i was just a kid! Don't get me wrong i never did drugs nor drank alcohol EVER! i did it all to get back at my mother for allowing this suffering to happen to me and me not understanding why she would, let this happen to her own daughter. i used to hate going back home after school so i stayed around these kids just so i could stay away from the devil himself. But every time later in the evening my mother would come shouting and grabbing me from my so called "friends" and lock me in the house once again.

At the age of 13 one night i decided to get up go in the kitchen grab the biggest knife i could find and i sat on the kitchen floor praying to god, for forgiveness that what i was about to do was not kind, i kept thinking over and over again " if i kill him i will end up in prison, my family will never see me again and my whole life will be over" then i decided to think " ok, then ill just kill myself and this whole living nightmare will be over in less than a heart beat"... then id hear a voice in my head telling me to " stay strong and don't give up, push through", i didn't understand what it meant, i'm just a kid at the time but i kept crying and crying and praying for strength to do either one or the other if i killed myself my Father's sacrifices and life will just die in vein, so after 3 hours of tears and doubt something came to me, i felt it in my heart my tears stopped running down my face perhaps because i had none left in me. So i decided from that night that i'm not gonna let this monster destroy my life or my family's... i wiped away my tears, got up from the floor, still with the knife in my hand i went back to my bedroom and slept with the knife in my hand.

Then one night the devil decided to come in one night, so i woke up and i screamed " GET OUT!!!!!!!!! so loud that i could almost feel my vocal cords rips, and my lungs collapsed and then the devil tried to cover my mouth from screaming but i hand my knife in my hands and i pointed at him pushing against his stomach till he realised what it was.. and from that moment he realised i was no longer a kid, that he molest or abuse. I stood up for myself because nobody else would not even my mother, my father or my brothers... and they couldn't do you know why? because they never knew....

so the next day i was acting up again, and my mother once again was taking his side and i went CRAZY I WENT INSANE!!!! i screamed and yelled at my mum all the pain and hate i had inside me and said " HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME? I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH I HOPE YOU DIE! YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT! I WANT MY DAD! I HOPE YOU DIE!!!" and the list goes on, with the shock of how hysterical i was reacting my mother started asking me what was wrong and i used to get even more ANGRY and screaming at her again with disgust and hate towards her " HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT! ARE FXCKING BLIND? JUST DIE! DIE! DIE! YOU AND HIM DIE DIE DIE! I WANT YOU BOTH DEAD!!"... and my mother would grab me and ask me " TELL ME WHATS WRONG, WHATS HAPPENED TO YOU?" and i would scream back " ASK HIM!!! YOUR PEADOPHILE HUSBAND WHAT HIS BEEN DOING TO ME FOR THE LAST 7 YEARS"... and thats when i looked into my mother's eyes and saw her eyes filled with tears and pain like her heart had been ripped off her chest and her soul set on fire, i saw all the pain and hate that was consuming me go inside her body like it shifted and then i passed out, all i remember was her squeezing me so tight that i let go of myself.

Next thing i remember was waking up in my room, and my mother came to bring me food and water and she sat in the bed with me and asked what movie do you wanna watch, and i felt so confused why is she being nice to me now all of the sudden, after all these years of pain and suffering, i went numb i had blocked out any emotion or compassion towards my mother, i felt even more hate towards her because i didn't believe it was genuine and she tried and kept trying so hard to make me happy and make up to me, but i never understood why she was still married to my step dad after all this has happened to me, although he never came back into my room again even tho i wouldn't sleep every night just to make sure i was confused, why on earth he was still living with us, which that drove me mad even more... once again i used to stay out late with friends and stay at my friends house, but my mother never used to say anything to me she just used to tell me off for not letting her know that i was ok, so it made me think how have you not done anything about it, you're even allowing me to do reckless stuff and yet not having ago at me for doing so.

Years went by my neglection towards my mother grew deeper and deeper until i turned 18 and went to college and went to live my life away from home, finally i was free and happy i even would forget again that i had a family and would go weeks without texting my mother telling her i was ok at University. Unitl she told me she's finally getting divorced and thats when i saw hope for the first time in my mother's love, she finally believed me and is finally doing something about it.

The Divorce went thru, my mother found a new husband who now i consider and call him my Dad number 2, who is an absolute Angel from heaven, looks after me and my mother and my brothers specially my Father, whom lets not forget still to this day does not know that happened to me, it would absolutely destroy him and that i couldn't live with, the guilt that i caused my father so much pain, even though it wasn't my fault this nightmare happened to me i had the choice to not let it affect those who i loved the most for their own sake of sanity.

Last but not least 13 years later i was arguing about something with my mother on the phone, as you would the amount of hate and anger i had towards her that consumed me as a child and teenager would not so easily go away when i became an adult. I blamed her for all the horrible things that had happened to me and that she didn't deserve to have a husband like my new step father or my father as the father of her kids, so she decided to tell what had happened to her after the day i told her what had happened, when i passed out she argued with him and tried to call the police, he strangled her and threatened to kill us all when we were sleeping if she ever tried to call the police on him or to run away, he would find us and kill us.. so that's when i realised she made a choice for us to live and by having to sacrifice herself and go thru the same pain as i went thru, she would mistreat her and rape her just so he would not come near me, she would try to distract my brothers from seeing me being rebellious, because they would not agree with me misbehaving and getting away with it, but once again they didn't know and still don't know to this day either, neither does my New Step Dad...


But yes life may seem unfair to you, and you will question god or whoever you believe why this is all happening to you, and the truth is no1 knows nobody will ever know why bad things happen to good people, but what i do know is that YOU have a choice, just like i did when i sat on that kitchen floor with a knife in my hand, i had a choice to either kill him or myself... but don't be blinded by the darkness nor ignore to been living in it or have lived in it, because it was in that dark hole that i learned to see in the dark. i may not have had a light shinning in the end of the tunnel because truth is sometimes that is not always there like a helping hand, sometimes you have to fall over 1000 times in that dark hole looking for a way out that you learn to see where those stumbles are, by then every time you get up from falling down you know where to step even in the dark.. then one day your going to feel that crack, windows or door thru those dark walls and you will, i promise you will rip, break, punch thru it like your pain and suffering has left you with nothing but strength and courage to push thru.


To be real honest with you, i still sometimes hold little grudges against my mother but then i remember there are 2 sides of a story.. and we cant blame ourselves and live life causing more pain and suffering to others, because just like i was consumed with so much hate and pain and it was shifted and consumed towards my mother, i believe love and happiness can also shift towards others and consume them too.. and this is why i believe YOU can do it too, if you're ever feeling down or having bad thought remember YOU are in control, You can choose greatness, You can achieve anything, and you can win by pushing thru any pain and suffering happening to you right now. Although i do not know you i am connected to you thru pain but we can also be connected thru happiness, its all about energy and believing and not giving up, you are not weak. You are strong, they just want you to believe that you do not have the strength but you do! GET UP! Walk in the dark! Feel the Walls, Fall thru the gaps! Get UP AGAIN! learn to see in the dark.


Remember you are so loved, I love you.

A.S

PureFrustr8d
Posts: 591
Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:21 pm

Re: Sometimes i ask god... why me? *Trig*

Postby PureFrustr8d » Fri Mar 16, 2018 11:05 pm

Hi amanadasantos,

I just wanted to acknowledge your post. It was quite a read. I hope it helped getting it out. You're right that sometimes talking to people doesn't have the effect we desire. Sometimes just being heard counts though so it's still nice when people give their time even when they don't have any solutions.

I'm really sorry for everything you have been though. Naturally your strength is admirable. I do find it necessary to say that not everyone overcomes trauma and it's not because they make a choice not to. You had a loving father and mother that wanted to give you a different life where she believed you would profit from the opportunity of moving. Those precious years before the abuse began have probably saved your life, in that you felt love, you were cared for and protected, your brain developed as you should etc. As much as I love that you want to encourage others with your story, it's important you understand it's not because you managed that other will too. People who never had a good attachment to a care-giver, those who were born into abuse, those who were never shown love - these people won't manage the same as you and are certainly likely to find the struggle to overcome trauma extremely difficult on account of the way their brains developed so please use the word 'choice' carefully. They did not choose how their brains developed when the were young. Sometimes addiction is the best they can manage because it's the only way they know to numb the pain etc.

Anyway, you keep going as you are and as they say if you trip make it part of the dance. Your way of looking at your own life will definitely be helping you as our thoughts are very powerful. They can make or break us.

Peace

amandasantos
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2018 4:50 pm

Re: Sometimes i ask god... why me? *Trig*

Postby amandasantos » Thu May 17, 2018 10:19 pm

thank you for your reply, means a lot to me and you're right.. people born into abuse is harder for them to overcome when they never felt love, i pray for those still struggling to overcome or going thru it, wish we could help everyone but its difficult as many suffer in silent. :(


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