On the really bad days I feel that I can’t be around anyone.
I feel ashamed and too exhausted to hide the tears and pain anymore and I need to be alone to just ‘be’ without having to pretend I’m ok.
I can’t sustain ‘normal’ for a long period of time or indefinitely.
The mask I wear daily is a chore and yet it’s still not really good enough, as people can still see that something isn’t quite right no matter how hard I try to mask it. It’s exhausting.
No one really understands just how hard it is to live day to day, trying to pretend that you’re ok, feeling ok instead of just wanting hide away.
And then all the guilt that comes along with this, for feeling this way, and why I can’t just snap out of it and be normal. There are so many more people worse off than me, and so I feel worse and pathetic for being this way.
I wish I could be normal and happy, people seem to think that I like being this way or it’s just the way I am, when actually what they don’t realise is that this is me trying, I really am trying to function normally and wear my mask of a normal functioning human being. It’s hard work.
But I can’t let people see my real feelings as they tire of me on my really bad days when I can no longer hold my mask, let alone them having to deal with the real me on a daily basis. Their patients wears thin and I can’t be around them when I get to the point of needing to just ‘be’, at this point I need to be alone to recharge and remove the mask altogether.
Am I the only person like this???!!!