I crashed yesterday. Too tired, too hungry. Continued with the self-care by having a nice walk for a few miles. I was utterly exhausted so I chose to eat some chicken to supplement the rabbit food I have been eating for the last 7 days. That led to eating somewhere North of 2,000 calories in the space of 10 minutes
. That is kinda normal for me to eat at lunch when out, hence being severely obese. Not beating myself up about it. It is ok to slip occasionally and I am very glad I avoided alcohol.
I weighed myself and was disappointed but not particularly surprised to see that the last week of effort has only put my weight back to where it was a month ago. Still a reduction and I want to get back on the horse today. I am already feeling so much better because of my improving fitness and I want to lose weight for me.
Fell asleep when I got home, nightmares as usual. In these lockdown days they are more TV based than reality based but there was some stuff featuring work. Still stressed after the best part of two weeks away.
My mood since I woke up has been bleak, I want to die again
, I'm so bored with that state of mind.
Still being an emotional yoyo. One day everything is groovy and the next I want to die. At least I am recognising my emotions and I know the dark days will pass quickly. I have started reading various materials on CPTSD and there is hope there. My biggest takeaway so far is the neurological impact of mindfulness and group activities. Group activities will have to wait but I want to get back in the habit of meditating, it has been years. I hope meditation will also help address the main problems I have at work, anxiety and lack of pause before action.