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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Aug 25, 2019 10:10 pm

Was waiting in for a delivery all day yesterday, sleep problems left me too tired to do much of anything aside from Netflix, overslept today. Too long inside on my own, feeling it sap my mood. I have done a little cleaning and tidying, doesn't sound like much unless you know chronic depression but a real positive for me. Especially because I did it because I wanted too, for me. Not for others, not because I 'should'. Half the front room cleaner and tidier than it has been in a long time. Feels good. The rest of the front room can wait and that is okay. I want to finish setting up my home office so I can be more productive when I need to work from home but it is okay if I don't manage it. I am good enough as I am.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 22, 2019 1:09 pm

Diary entry

Took a day off work a couple of weeks ago. I have never slept well and recently been relying on caffeine to get through each day. Caffeine is a good, quick impact, mitigatior but it makes the overall situation worse by making sleep harder and leaving me really tense after a few days use. Keeping up with both work and socialising has been a struggle. That day, I hit exhaustion. Got the essentials done by 8am then went back to sleep, still really sleepy now. Been better since because laying off the caffeine.

Been really struggling to go to work lately but I know it is good for me overall.
I'm learning to keep my focus away from those depression feelings. Monday morning I'll buckle my belt, shine my shoes and put best foot forward once more.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 22, 2019 1:15 pm

Diary entry

A few weeks ago I realised the bulk of my difficulties in going to sleep are not anticipation anxiety but fear of the vulnerability of being asleep and defenseless. Been exploring that fear and it has been tough. Fear and anxiety are now much more present 24/7. It is necessary to continue exploring that fear to address my sleeping problems. It will be worth it.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Sep 22, 2019 1:19 pm

Diary entry

What do I want?

I want a relationship.
I want more friends.
I want more experiences
I want to be as healthy as I can be for as long as I can be.

I know what I need to do to improve my life, I know how to do it and I am capable of it but that fear of a different type of life, a different way of being, of being without the black dog, the vulnerability of wanting, leads to so much subconscious self sabotage

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Oct 13, 2019 9:51 pm

My last diary entry was about what I want and self sabotage. This entry is about the inner emptiness that sucks the joy from me into a vacuum that can never be filled.

I have changed my life massively over the past 8 years. I have a good job, a home, I have made friends, I make new friends, I get involved in myriad activities. I had a great time doing stuff last night. I have massively increased my sense of self worth and massively reduced my fear of others.

So why am I still so fucking empty? Why is it all so pointless that I will get hammered or eat pizza to feel free for a night, even with a diseased liver, clogged arteries and a doctor telling me that stuff may kill me any day now. After all these years of work on my mental health, all those gains, why do I still need constant distraction, why am I so scared of being alone with my thoughts and feelings? Why is it still so hard to lay down and close my eyes at night, why does that make me feel so vulnerable and scared? Why do I still hate myself so much? Why am I still so terrified of whatever is hiding behind my eyes? I've changed my thoughts, I have changed my behaviours, I have learned to accept and process so many feelings. I have changed my life to an almost unrecognisable extent and I am so glad I have but underneath it all my mind is still Mordor and my heart is still hollow. I don't see it getting any better.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:56 am

I will get hammered or eat pizza to feel free for a night,


Well, that was an interesting choice of words. I'm toying with the idea that I feel trapped by everything, by life itself. That I am not so much looking for an escape as for release. I suspect some re-framing of some of my basic premises in my view of life will be beneficial. Not sure how much truth there is in this or even how to go about it but certainly worth exploring.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Wed Oct 23, 2019 1:00 am

Diary entry

I went cold turkey on my head-meds a little over two weeks ago. Don't have anything against meds. Was feeling trapped / stuck and figured shaking up my brain chemistry may help. I feel more stable but suspect my mood is creeping down. I want to continue to monitor this and get back on the meds if mood dips too far.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1693
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Sun Nov 10, 2019 11:15 pm

So, being med free has been interesting. My mood did dip for a while and I was going to return to the pills. Stayed off for another week and I started to stabilize. Stabilized lower than par but stable all the same. Some things seem easier because I am more grounded, easier to do the little things, easier to follow through on decisions. Not really sure if this is because of being off the meds or because of progress made in counselling.

The problem is that since I stopped the pills I have been having nightmares every night. The intensity has reduced to where they are now more anxiety dreams than nightmares but still causing me massive difficulty sleeping and leaving me exhausted all day. This is causing problems with work and everything else.

These dreams also have a massive effect on my mood. I didn't sleep last night but had a good day all the same. Got something important done this morning, had a long and very tasty lunch with a friend, watched a good game of football. Was in a good mood and was glad to be exhausted when I arrived home.

The exhaustion was good because an early nights sleep would set me up for work in the morning. Had a horrible dream where, among other things, my depression was stronger than it has been in a long time. Woke up after an hour feeling exactly that depressed. My mood is easing but feel too scared to go back to sleep because I know more nightmares wait for me.

I'll ride it out a while longer and see if the intensity of these nightmares reduces further but if not, back on the pills for me.


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