My last diary entry was about what I want and self sabotage. This entry is about the inner emptiness that sucks the joy from me into a vacuum that can never be filled.
I have changed my life massively over the past 8 years. I have a good job, a home, I have made friends, I make new friends, I get involved in myriad activities. I had a great time doing stuff last night. I have massively increased my sense of self worth and massively reduced my fear of others.
So why am I still so fucking empty? Why is it all so pointless that I will get hammered or eat pizza to feel free for a night, even with a diseased liver, clogged arteries and a doctor telling me that stuff may kill me any day now. After all these years of work on my mental health, all those gains, why do I still need constant distraction, why am I so scared of being alone with my thoughts and feelings? Why is it still so hard to lay down and close my eyes at night, why does that make me feel so vulnerable and scared? Why do I still hate myself so much? Why am I still so terrified of whatever is hiding behind my eyes? I've changed my thoughts, I have changed my behaviours, I have learned to accept and process so many feelings. I have changed my life to an almost unrecognisable extent and I am so glad I have but underneath it all my mind is still Mordor and my heart is still hollow. I don't see it getting any better.