Well, things are shifting. My current approach is to engage in person centered counseling. It is a chance to talk myself out, a chance to get in touch with the associated emotions. I think it may be starting to work.
I am feeling stuff, new stuff. Early days and the feelings are fleeting at the moment. It is tough going but I am giving myself permission to feel, including my most repressed feelings of self pity, bitterness, self compassion and perhaps the glimmerings of anger.
Yesterday I realised I was doing things because I wanted to. Not because I should, must or needed to but WANTED to. That is a real wow for me and I think it must be connected.
It's not just the counseling, I am leaning heavily on some buddies *Thanks Maisi! et al*. The self help group is a real boost too. Most of all, it is the continuation of all the work, all the therapists, self help books and all the advice and support I've received over the years.
A long way still to go but it feels like something fundamental is shifting, that I may be starting to come to terms with my past, that I am moving forward once more.