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Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1643
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Apr 02, 2019 8:57 pm

Hmmm. Nearly a month since my last diary entry.

I've not been well for a few weeks. Really struggling with both depression and anxiety. Still managing to go to work although I have had to make adjustments both at work and at home. Struggling to do anything.

The upside is that I have identified yet another core trigger for depressive mood. Surprise, surprise, it comes back once more to my inner narrative or inner bully or Radio Bollocks, whatever I choose to call it. If I feel not good enough or rejected then i don't think logically, ie. was the goal achievable? Am I mind reading? Am I putting myself at the centre of events, the star in my own drama? What else might be going on for the people around me? Are they being reasonable, proportionate and constructive? Am I being reasonable, proportionate and constructive? Instead I immediately switch to self-blame. It is all my fault. I then batter myself with telling myself that I am to blame because I am various flavours of scum and a burden on everyone around me. That is a reaction to the anger I feel at perceived mistreatment, I turn the anger inwards and attack myself, creating and sustaining depression.

Identifying this is really helping. It helps me hear my inner monologue, helps me to see it as the nonsense it is. Still very low but my mood is flickering slightly, I have hope it will change.

New task. Identify and accept my anger, try turning it outwards for once.

deb1960
Posts: 1804
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Tue Apr 09, 2019 8:14 am

Hi andthistoo

Just read this. You are very resourceful. Reminding myself how resourceful I am can help me. Being res... Is, I would say, massive in the ability to live and help oneself with all that is crap in our heads.

Keep up the excellent work you put into all of this!

Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1643
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Thu Apr 18, 2019 1:59 am

Thanks Deb

I agree being resourceful is a big help. Depression and anxiety are liars, never more so than when they convince you there are no alternatives. I equate being resourceful with recognising that there are options and that change is certain, despite what my mind is telling me.

Diary Entry

Mood slowly improving. In addition to the trigger mentioned above, I have also learned a key driver behind my overeating. It is no longer compulsive in the way that it once was but it is still a powerful drive.

1. It is an ingrained habit, my subconscious's go-to response to emotional stimulus that I am not processing.
2. It is a distraction (this is the new one). A distraction like many others I use to stop myself from thinking about the thoughts and feelings I am avoiding.
3. Your brain thanks you for eating and if I do not value myself, my health or my future then why not overeat?
4. There is an element of self punishment going on, it is not a dramatic form of self harm but it is self harm all the same.
5. Being very obese is something of a protection in social situations, having spent parts of my life in a much fitter state, I find being this obese leads to fewer social invites and much less romantic interest.

I started thinking about distractions following a conversation at a self help group. The facilitator gave me some excellent advice to avoid the distractions that I hope to follow.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1643
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:21 pm

Fuckey, fuckey, fuckey, fuck!

Wanted to try and stop avoiding whatever is trying to rise to the surface of my brain. Istead, spent the day avoiding it in an extreme manner. Fuck.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1643
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue Apr 23, 2019 10:10 pm

Diary entry

Had my first person-centered counselling session today. Interesting. I am trying to focus on feeling the emotions prompted by what I am talking about rather than the words themselves. I clearly need to talk because the first session went by in a flash.

I hesitate to say this because my posts here tend towards the positive but this diary is for me and it is important I am honest. Suicidal ideation has been back in strength recently. Largely prompted by feeling stuck in position, feeling that I will never feel that life is worth living for more than a few days at a time. The other big prompt is getting older, feeling I have wasted most of my life and I can now never have the things I have secretly always wanted for myself.

So, not for the first time, I am giving myself a literal deadline. 1 May 2021. If my experience of life has not changed substantially by then, if it is still largely emotional pain, then I will have a decision to make as to if the future is worth living for.

If anyone is following this diary, please don't worry. Giving myself two years to find other options means I will do nothing until then and maybe not do anything at all.

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1643
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Tue May 07, 2019 10:14 pm

Diary entry

Well, things are shifting. My current approach is to engage in person centered counseling. It is a chance to talk myself out, a chance to get in touch with the associated emotions. I think it may be starting to work. :) :) :) I am feeling stuff, new stuff. Early days and the feelings are fleeting at the moment. It is tough going but I am giving myself permission to feel, including my most repressed feelings of self pity, bitterness, self compassion and perhaps the glimmerings of anger.

Yesterday I realised I was doing things because I wanted to. Not because I should, must or needed to but WANTED to. That is a real wow for me and I think it must be connected.

It's not just the counseling, I am leaning heavily on some buddies *Thanks Maisi! et al*. The self help group is a real boost too. Most of all, it is the continuation of all the work, all the therapists, self help books and all the advice and support I've received over the years.

A long way still to go but it feels like something fundamental is shifting, that I may be starting to come to terms with my past, that I am moving forward once more.

deb1960
Posts: 1804
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 8:14 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby deb1960 » Tue May 14, 2019 9:19 am

Hi andthistoo

I had person centred counselling a few years ago. It helped with my self esteem a great deal. Some people don't get on with it but I really liked it.

Deb x

andthistoomustpass
Posts: 1643
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2016 11:02 pm

Re: Emotional resilience and the impact of its lack

Postby andthistoomustpass » Fri May 17, 2019 10:43 pm

Thanks Deb

I remember you posting about person centered counseling a long time ago, what you said is one of the reasons I have chosen it. It seems really beneficial so far :)

I don't visit the forum as much anymore and rarely post beyond this diary but always good to hear from you. How are you at the moment?


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