The new dosage has calmed down but so far I'm retaining a number of benefits
The anxiety is weaker and it seems far easier to adjust long standing behaviours.
Still hard as he'll but doable.
The thing that is pre-occupying my mind at the moment is loneliness.
This isn't anything new but I am more able to be honest about it.
It has always been me against the world, for as long as I can remember.
Never trust anyone, you will be betrayed.
Never let your guard down, you will be attacked.
Never show your true self, you will be pilloried, beaten and osracised (and rightly so).
I have worked really hard to challenge these beliefs in the last few years. I am more open and honest with others, more trusting. It has felt really good and I have made some lovely friends.
I want more than friendship. I want someone to pour my love into, someone who will love me back.
I've not dated for over 10 years. When I did, I needed alcohol to cope with the emotions but there was always the day when my feelings became too strong. My few relationships were short lived because fear would overcome my desire.
I can cope so much better with my emotions now. I think I could handle a close relationship. I think I could overcome my fears to create one. I want a relationship. I want to stop feeling so alone. It will take both hard work and luck to find and attract the right person. I have clearly shown interest and been turned down a couple of times recently. I am proud I am taking the risk but I won't have the confidence to seriously try until I've lost a lot of weight, which is underway. I do want to give it a go though. I want to share my love and joy. I want to share my life.