Point to remember.
The fear lifted for a little while this afternoon, the negative predictions weren't there.
I've felt that before but never been able to observe it in the same way.
I can always contest negative predictions with CBT or reframe the situation and that works, but it is still a struggle, the fear is still there, just not as powerful, I'm still trying to deny what I am feeling.
The absence of negative predictions felt different. Like a heavy weight had lifted, the fear just wasn't there. There was no need to contest my thoughts or reframe. There was no need to try to make positive predictions to counter the negative, that again brings the negative into some sort of reverse focus, by contesting it, I still feed it. This felt different. I felt free and it came from a change of my outlook, a change from within me.
I've understood the benefits of this intellectually for some time but I've never felt it and understood it at the same time before. I don't know how how I got there but I will continue doing work in this area in the hope that I can feel it again, nurture it, let that freedom grow.
The best thing about this is that I now have a sense of what life would be like without these negative predictions, without this constant fear and depression. I have something to aim at.