Search

Support Forum

SANE Support Forum

Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
reacon
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2016 3:01 pm

Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby reacon » Mon Feb 22, 2016 3:09 pm

My depressed girlfriend [F28] recently pushed me [M33] away and broke up with me 8 weeks ago, as she said she can't cope with the pressure of a relationship right now, and that she "needs to sort herself out on her own". She said that I deserve better, that she's not good enough for me and that she feels like she is a burden to me. She told me she wishes she could be a better person for me but her depression is getting the better of her. I'm heartbroken. She said she knows she will regret letting "someone as amazing" as me go, but she needs to "prove to herself that she can be OK on her own". She said there is nothing wrong with me, or our relationship, but there is something wrong with her and she can't give me as much as I give her until she fixes herself. The week and even the day before she broke up with me, we were literally planning the year (holidays, weekends away, visits), were having regular sex and she was still affectionate (holding hands, cuddling on the sofa etc). The break up came as a huge shock.

Since the split, we have met up once and we were laughing and joking like always. She was obviously upset about the break and cried a lot. She was hugging/cuddling me as we were talking things through. When I said I had to leave, she got really sad and asked me to stay a bit longer. She mentioned that she would love to meet up with me "once she feels better", but that I shouldn't "wait for her". I told her I'd always be here for her, and not to worry about me as I have a lot to focus on in my life right now. She told me she loved me four times and that she was really missing me, and finding it hard without me. Then when I did leave, she messaged me saying "I'm really upset now you've gone. Was really good to see you. Don't be a stranger, I love you x x".

I then proceded to try and cut contact, as I wanted to give her the space she wanted. My idea was to focus on my life, give her space but reply to any messages she'd send to me. I'd also planned that if she hadn't contacted me in 1-2 weeks, that I would drop her a little message just so she knows I'm still thinking of her.

However, she's been in touch with me a lot more than I expected. Recently, there was a week where she initiated contact in some way (texts, Snapchat, FB/Twitter likes) in 6 out of those 7 days. She was telling me things like "your photo made me happy", "you're looking good", "I miss you". So obviously I thought there was a chance of reconciliation and I invited her to visit. She said she was feeling ill, but if she felt better she would see me. Then I followed up again after a couple of days and she said she can't make it. Then a couple of days after, she sends me 3 more Snapchats! I posted a JustGiving fundraising message on my FB for a half marathon I'm running for a mental health charity (she knew I was doing this as I signed up when we were together). She messaged me saying "You are so incredible, this means so much to me". I told her how much I care about her and what a great cause it was and she told me I was "the most amazing person she's ever met" and that she "didn't deserve me". She said my kindness had made her tearful.

We messaged for around an hour last Wednesday, just general chit chat about what she's been up to. I always want to keep the interactions fun and light hearted, and it seems to get a nice reaction. The way the conversation was going, she started talking about the time we went for a run around a park near us, so I just mentioned that I was going again at the weekend if she fancied it, but she just completely ignored it. Then the next morning, I get a message saying "I really enjoyed our chit chat last night! Hope you have a nice day :) x x x". Because of this message, and our long interaction the night before, I replied by saying "Would be nice to have a chit chat in person soon! Hope you have a nice day too x x". But again, no reply. I felt I'd maybe annoyed her or put her under pressure, but then the following day, I get 5 Snapchats from her at various points through the day! They were just of random things in her day again like her in her car, her dog, her food etc.

It's just so so so confusing right now. She didn't have to message me those nice things, so why do it? She doesn't have to talk to me at all, so why is she? If she wants to be with me, but knows she can't, why not just tell me? It's hard for me to just be patient, as I literally have no idea where I stand. I feel I can't ask her outright as that will pressurise her and will push her away more. The actions of constantly reaching out would make me think she still wants me (once she's better)? Or is this false hope? If she actually wanted nothing to do with me, surely she wouldn't be messaging/Snapchatting/FB liking things? What do I believe? I feel I'm in a lose lose situation right now. If I push her for an answer, it could well push her away for good. But if I give her space and keep going through this push/pull behaviour I'm going to drive myself crazy and always wonder where I stand. Ultimately I want her to get back with me, I love her and know what I'm letting myself in for. Any advice?

We've not spoken now for a week. I want to reach out to her in the next few days but don't know what to say? I want to ask her about "us" but I'm terrified this could potentially push her away for good?

christabel
Posts: 1957
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby christabel » Mon Feb 22, 2016 7:51 pm

Hi reacon

Welcomes to sane. Don't know if I can offer much in the way of advice, maybe just a bit of support.

As a veteran sufferer myself I've said all the things your girlfriend has said. I'm afraid it goes with the territory. It takes special people to stay the course with someone with Depression. I'm very lucky to have one of those people and you sound as though you could be also. ( not that the old man's perfect )

It sounds as though you've got a very sensible attitude towards your girlfriend. Giving her space and letting her know you are there for her. I don't know if you could do much more. Does she have these episodes very often? You didn't say how long you've been together or if she takes medication or seen her GP.

Best wishes. C

reacon
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2016 3:01 pm

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby reacon » Mon Feb 22, 2016 8:37 pm

Hi Christabel. Thank you for your reply.

We have been together for around 2.5 years. She started taking medication around 2 weeks before she broke up with me, and she's seeing a counsellor. She's also exercising so she is helping her self.

Why would she be reaching out? Is she trying to ease her guilt? Does she just see me as a friend? Does she still want to keep me around for when she's better?

I just don't see how we can reconcile, surely not seeing me will mean she'll forget me?

Isap
Posts: 1576
Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2015 1:13 pm

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby Isap » Tue Feb 23, 2016 4:10 pm

Hi there

Your situation is remarkably common. As Christabel says giving her space and being patient is the best you can do right now.

I have posted a link. Scroll down till you find four free talks by Claire Weekes. Listen yourself and you will understand your gfs behavior. 3 a nd 4 are most relevant but syrT from the beginning. You could send your gf as e mail attacjemy od ahatevv

Good luck

Isap



http://www.junior-anxiety-depression-ex ... relax.html

logie
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Apr 09, 2017 10:57 pm

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby logie » Sun Apr 09, 2017 11:08 pm

Hi Reacon

This is over a year later so I'm hoping you're still active.
Just curious to see how you and your girlfriend got on ?
I have found my self in a similar situation with the girl I was in a relationship with previously for 4 months, when completely out of the blue after a lot of affectionate stuff and just general love, I received the "we need to talk" text. She then went on to say how she isn't in the right place just now for a relationship and that she needs to get her "shit together", she did however say she still really likes me. She's been suffering depression for around 3 years and I was told by a mutual friend that she had never seemed so happy when she was with me. She even said she had never liked anyone as much as me. She wants to meet up as friends and hang out. I'm all for this however I'm really not sure what to do because I would stick around for ages if it meant I'd end up back with her. Should I stick around and comfort her when she needs and give her the space she needs ? Or should I completely leave it and see if she actually ends up missing me?
I'm just really confused as she claims to still like me however seems quite happy now we're apart. What should I do ?

irish15
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed May 17, 2017 2:39 pm

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby irish15 » Wed May 17, 2017 2:42 pm

logie wrote:Hi Reacon

This is over a year later so I'm hoping you're still active.
Just curious to see how you and your girlfriend got on ?
I have found my self in a similar situation with the girl I was in a relationship with previously for 4 months, when completely out of the blue after a lot of affectionate stuff and just general love, I received the "we need to talk" text. She then went on to say how she isn't in the right place just now for a relationship and that she needs to get her "shit together", she did however say she still really likes me. She's been suffering depression for around 3 years and I was told by a mutual friend that she had never seemed so happy when she was with me. She even said she had never liked anyone as much as me. She wants to meet up as friends and hang out. I'm all for this however I'm really not sure what to do because I would stick around for ages if it meant I'd end up back with her. Should I stick around and comfort her when she needs and give her the space she needs ? Or should I completely leave it and see if she actually ends up missing me?
I'm just really confused as she claims to still like me however seems quite happy now we're apart. What should I do ?



Hi logie,

I think i am currently in the same boat with my girlfriend and she left me last week.

I am just wondering what's your situation is like at the moment? I want to be there for her but I don't know how/where to begin?

kfletchuk
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:01 am

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby kfletchuk » Wed Jul 26, 2017 10:18 am

Me too.
But with a boyfriend.

It's strange as it was a fairly short relationship. I met him in May and we had the most insane first two weeks together ever. Really intense. I fell for him pretty quickly. He told me he'd struggled in the past with depression but that he knew how to manage it now. Without medication.

But after two weeks it was like he realized how intense it had been and panicked. And he pulled back. He started texting less and being cold. Yet when I saw him in person it was just as intense as it ever had been... it was getting him to commit to actually seeing me that was the hard part. He’d ignore when I’d ask or make excuses as to why he couldn’t. It got to a point where I stopped really asking (couldn’t keep handling the rejection) and waited for him to drop a hint about doing something before I even offered that I wanted to see him.

The last time I saw him he had a lot on, he was going through some stuff that I would struggle to deal with. Losing his driving license, some old issues with an ex. But again when I saw him you’d never know. He was cheery. He still pinned me against the wall with a kiss every time our eyes met.

When I left that night he messaged me a lot more than usual. He told me he was happy when I was there but struggling when I left. He asked me to bear with him but told me I was worth more. That we were from different worlds etc etc.

The next day he was back to his usual quiet self. A week later I finished work and got out my car to an essay of a text. Saying he had stuff to sort from his past that he couldn’t do while he was with me and a lot of reassurance that I’d done nothing wrong but he needed some time alone. I asked him to block my number. I was hurt and I knew if I didn’t that I’d carry on messaging him when he was asking for time apart. We exchanged a few more messages and then he disappeared. He’d actually blocked me. Which in itself was a shock as I didn’t know that he would.

A couple of weeks went by and I decided to text him one Friday night just to see he was doing OK. We chatted over text for a good few hours and then when it felt like we were having a bit of a laugh and a joke I made the mistake of suggesting we meet and he stopped replying. Another week and a half went by of nothing and I text him yesterday. Just hope you’re ok, I still think about you. Nothing groundbreaking. Nothing forcing a reply. He waited the whole day to text back but he did. Just saying the same. That he was fine and he hoped I was too. I replied to let him know I was and nothing further…

I really miss him. I want to respect that he needs space but I’ve never been on the receiving end of a break up before where there’s been love there still. Maybe I’m imagining it. And maybe he has actually let me go but since he’s never said he feels differently I genuinely feel like the book isn’t closed.

It’s a nightmare to navigate. It is literally on my mind every day.

I know no-one can fix it but it does feel good to write it all down for people who understand xxx

morby
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2017 9:11 pm

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby morby » Mon Oct 30, 2017 9:21 pm

Hi there,

I am writing this as someone who has been in a very similar situation recently. After much research, I have been struck by how common this scenario seems to be.

My boyfriend of 15 months experienced a very traumatic event two weeks ago and quickly deteriorated over a few days into a state of what I can only assume is a stress response to trauma and depression.

His response to the event was to shut everyone out, blame me for not being there for him and tell me he wasn't in love with me anymore, can't be affectionate etc. He also admitted he was depressed and that he hasn't gone through anything as bad as this before. I know he has seen a counsellor in the past for anger issues but he has never mentioned being depressed previously.

It has been in incredibly difficult couple of weeks, watching someone you love change so drastically so that they're no longer recognisable. We had no signs of any problems before this happened, were very happy and making plans for the future. He had been very stressed at work and run down which I think has also contributed. He has always been clear that he wishes we saw more of each other and how happy he was with me.

It's clear that depression changes people and how they feel about loved ones, but I won't lie this has made me start to doubt things he said or did in the past. Which I know is not the right thing to do but it's very confusing! Nobody I have spoken to can understand his actions but I know he just isn't in a place to be with someone right now.

I have reached out a couple of times since he broke it off by reminding him I'm there for him. I have been so worried and finding the lack of contact hard, and felt so stressed yesterday that I asked to meet me next week so I can understand why he has ended the relationship. He did agree to meet, but I know deep down I won't get the answers I need or even have a conversation with the same person I knew two weeks ago.

I wondered if anyone has any thoughts on how to handle the meet up? I really don't want to make things worse for him, but if nothing else I just want to remind him that I really care about him and leave things open, so that if he ever feels like getting in touch in the future he can.

Thanks all.

malabros
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu May 17, 2018 5:16 am

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby malabros » Thu May 17, 2018 5:40 am

I am having a similar problem with my girlfriend who just broke up with me. I am still trying to understand what happened. she broke up with me and I feel I got blindsided. I was with her for a year and a half and I have never been happier in my entire life. She made me believe she was happy too. After the first 6 months she let me know about her anxiety and depression problems. I told her that i love her and I would be there for here. This made her really happy and for the next year we were always happy. Then a couple of weeks ago we were having a regular relaxing weekend in the beach and she told me that she needed to be alone. That she wanted to break up because being alone made her happier. I was in shock and I did not know what to say and she told me to leave her apartment. I called her a few days later because I was still in shock and did not understand what just had happened. specially after the weekend before when she had told me how much she loved me and how lucky she was to find a guy like me and that she will be stupid to dump me. When I called her she was very calm and sounded actually happy and relieved that she had broken up with me. she said that it took her to be with a great guy like me to realized that she cant be happy with anybody and that she just want to be with herself. I was in shock after hearing all this. I love this girl with all my heart and I think she is the best thing that has come into my life and I don want to loose her. I want to contact her again to tell her that i miss her and that I love her but I am afraid I will push her away more or she will say something hurtful again to push me away. What should I do ? I am just so confused. Can someone give me an advice on what to do ? I am really hurting here.

c.j.
Posts: 81
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 2:43 pm

Re: Depressed girlfriend broke up with me - help me to understand

Postby c.j. » Thu May 17, 2018 11:47 am

If she is genuinely happy, then for me I'd move on.


Return to “Mutual Support Group”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: dragonangel and 5 guests