My depressed girlfriend [F28] recently pushed me [M33] away and broke up with me 8 weeks ago, as she said she can't cope with the pressure of a relationship right now, and that she "needs to sort herself out on her own". She said that I deserve better, that she's not good enough for me and that she feels like she is a burden to me. She told me she wishes she could be a better person for me but her depression is getting the better of her. I'm heartbroken. She said she knows she will regret letting "someone as amazing" as me go, but she needs to "prove to herself that she can be OK on her own". She said there is nothing wrong with me, or our relationship, but there is something wrong with her and she can't give me as much as I give her until she fixes herself. The week and even the day before she broke up with me, we were literally planning the year (holidays, weekends away, visits), were having regular sex and she was still affectionate (holding hands, cuddling on the sofa etc). The break up came as a huge shock.
Since the split, we have met up once and we were laughing and joking like always. She was obviously upset about the break and cried a lot. She was hugging/cuddling me as we were talking things through. When I said I had to leave, she got really sad and asked me to stay a bit longer. She mentioned that she would love to meet up with me "once she feels better", but that I shouldn't "wait for her". I told her I'd always be here for her, and not to worry about me as I have a lot to focus on in my life right now. She told me she loved me four times and that she was really missing me, and finding it hard without me. Then when I did leave, she messaged me saying "I'm really upset now you've gone. Was really good to see you. Don't be a stranger, I love you x x".
I then proceded to try and cut contact, as I wanted to give her the space she wanted. My idea was to focus on my life, give her space but reply to any messages she'd send to me. I'd also planned that if she hadn't contacted me in 1-2 weeks, that I would drop her a little message just so she knows I'm still thinking of her.
However, she's been in touch with me a lot more than I expected. Recently, there was a week where she initiated contact in some way (texts, Snapchat, FB/Twitter likes) in 6 out of those 7 days. She was telling me things like "your photo made me happy", "you're looking good", "I miss you". So obviously I thought there was a chance of reconciliation and I invited her to visit. She said she was feeling ill, but if she felt better she would see me. Then I followed up again after a couple of days and she said she can't make it. Then a couple of days after, she sends me 3 more Snapchats! I posted a JustGiving fundraising message on my FB for a half marathon I'm running for a mental health charity (she knew I was doing this as I signed up when we were together). She messaged me saying "You are so incredible, this means so much to me". I told her how much I care about her and what a great cause it was and she told me I was "the most amazing person she's ever met" and that she "didn't deserve me". She said my kindness had made her tearful.
We messaged for around an hour last Wednesday, just general chit chat about what she's been up to. I always want to keep the interactions fun and light hearted, and it seems to get a nice reaction. The way the conversation was going, she started talking about the time we went for a run around a park near us, so I just mentioned that I was going again at the weekend if she fancied it, but she just completely ignored it. Then the next morning, I get a message saying "I really enjoyed our chit chat last night! Hope you have a nice day
x x x". Because of this message, and our long interaction the night before, I replied by saying "Would be nice to have a chit chat in person soon! Hope you have a nice day too x x". But again, no reply. I felt I'd maybe annoyed her or put her under pressure, but then the following day, I get 5 Snapchats from her at various points through the day! They were just of random things in her day again like her in her car, her dog, her food etc.
It's just so so so confusing right now. She didn't have to message me those nice things, so why do it? She doesn't have to talk to me at all, so why is she? If she wants to be with me, but knows she can't, why not just tell me? It's hard for me to just be patient, as I literally have no idea where I stand. I feel I can't ask her outright as that will pressurise her and will push her away more. The actions of constantly reaching out would make me think she still wants me (once she's better)? Or is this false hope? If she actually wanted nothing to do with me, surely she wouldn't be messaging/Snapchatting/FB liking things? What do I believe? I feel I'm in a lose lose situation right now. If I push her for an answer, it could well push her away for good. But if I give her space and keep going through this push/pull behaviour I'm going to drive myself crazy and always wonder where I stand. Ultimately I want her to get back with me, I love her and know what I'm letting myself in for. Any advice?
We've not spoken now for a week. I want to reach out to her in the next few days but don't know what to say? I want to ask her about "us" but I'm terrified this could potentially push her away for good?