First time ever I have done something like this. I'm surrounded by people who can't understand what I feel like most days. Haven't even got the courage to see a doctor yet but I'm planning on tomorrow as I can see it's affecting my job ( I got sent home today for kicking off at my boss.) ..Actually did plan on going in march but rang them and all the appointments had gone..typical.
It really started a year ago when I started living on my own. It started off me not eating or sleeping properly for weeks, before I knew it, it turned in to self harming on my arm with cigarettes. Then it kind of got better for a few months, There was a few times or moments where I would be seriously low, I remember walking to the supermarket completely fine, then walking out and just not feeling human. I wasn't even paying attention to crossing the road. In December I started to get really bad anxiety mainly on public transport.. I remember getting on a bus and only making two stops which is about 5 mins. I'd feel really sick and panicky.
January it got worse. My moods were literally all over the place for about two weeks. I'd spend most days in bed crying, just couldn't see a way out of the darkness I was in, then, my mood switched and was like I was on speed or something. Then 30mins later it'd dropped down again. I remember walking to work one evening laughing to myself.. even took an Iphone contract out which I couldn't afford (still can't afford..) I did end up completely exhausted. Couldn't stand up or even type.
The next bad episode after that was February. I had problems with my Dad and his wife messaging me nasty emails about me and my siblings, this got me really angry, I tend to be wound up really easily. I ended up cutting my arm and putting my fist through a wall.
I changed jobs in March and to be honest I just was down, not harming. Recently though it's got a whole lot worse again. I've stopped eating as much as I did by half. I have breakfast (2 crumpets usually) before work at 5am, then nothing till dinner. I'm not purposely starving myself, I just don't wanna eat, loss of appetite. Sleeping was a struggle too, for months I was plagued with nightmares and paranoia at night, fearing someone would break in or walk in my room and stab me. These dreams were horrible and I could never sleep after them. One was haunting me on the way to work one morning too.
Last Saturday I had a mood switch. I was fine at work till about an hour before my shift ended (I only work 3 hours a day) I went really low and tired. So went home early. Sunday I woke up for work but felt like I couldn't step outside. Not sure what it was but I just got scared at the thought of being outside in the open and air. So I didn't go in. Monday I walked to work but could feel panic over me.. even the slightest breeze moving a leaf would make me look twice. I couldn't sleep either which I thought wasn't like me.. though I really don't know what is normal anymore.
Today was fine at work till my mood switched and I kicked off. It literally takes the smallest bit of criticism to set me off. I didn't say nothing too bad, told my boss to do the job himself and he told me to leave. I'm having trouble with him as he's new, and really doesn't understand what it's like for me. I like to have a routine with work and he's been changing the days off lately which completely messes me up. I even have dinner at the same time each night. I watch the same shows on telly each day/week (things that are on constantly like the news, the simpsons and eastenders- even though I can't stand eastenders..)
Many times I have thought about giving in. Not giving up, just giving in. Just taking a load of pills and be gone, or just hope and not really care if I did or didn't wake up in the morning. But it's only ever the thought. I channel all of this in to my art work, I spend hours and hours drawing animals and people and think if I wasn't here I wouldn't be able to do it.. or more of not knowing if I'd be able to.. if there's a heaven or not..
I couldn't tell you why it started. I didn't have a particularly pleasant childhood. Well more teenage years. I was surrounded by alcohol and violence with my parents. Both my mum and dad were alcohol abusers and also my mums boyfriend. I can remember it starting from the age of 13-20 when I left. I'd be running out the house or hiding upstairs. That was something I had to deal with alone. This is why I can't trust anyone or let anyone in to my life. I hate being hugged by my family (sounds weird). But either my mum won't understand or I'll be the guilt trip. I don't really know how to open up to people. There's one person who I adore, we work in the same place and he knows about it, but not the full extent. But basically I've been dealing with this on my own for the past year. No medication. Just praying for me to feel normal.
Money is another problem. I never have any but owe a lot. I'm dealing with that though.
I've put this out there mainly for others, to see if anyone else is in the same boat as me. And to get it off my chest.
Call it talking to an invisible therapist..