If I could find something I could do to myself which wouldn't upset the dog I'd do it. I can't get drunk,I have to phone the gp in the morning, I can't harm because it makes the dog scared, I've eaten everything in the house and just want to find something that will end this combination of emptiness and desperation. Stuffing my face full of junk dulls it for a while.
Everything is changing. I'm not fit for work and intend to resign next month, I'm tied because I'm in a rental contract on the house so have to make sure the job ends when the contract ends because I'm going to move 5 hrs away from here, back to my parents, where I can get a less stressful job, I hope.
So I'm thinking that everything I've done in my life so far amounts to nothing. I am 36 years old and a complete failure in everything. I'm going to give up a reasonably paid job because I can't cope! I'm going to move in with my parents because i don't have any other option. 36 years old and running home to mummy! I'm going to lose the only 2 friends I've got, I know no-one in the small town I did senior school in, there's no gay community, and there's precious few jobs. Wtf is wrong with me? Why do I have to have anxiety? Why do I have to be depressed? Why am I so Damn useless? There is no point in my continued existence. I am alone and will always be alone. I shall never have a family of my own, when my parents die no-one will even know I am alive so why do i keep trying? I have never been anything, and never will be.
And this rant goes on over and over and over in head . Constantly. A broken record. I am so sick of fighting it. How can I fight something I actually believe to be true???
You are braver than you think, and stronger than you know.