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Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Mental illness recognises no boundaries...
Pinkgrenade
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Jan 05, 2014 6:57 pm

Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Postby Pinkgrenade » Sun Jan 05, 2014 7:42 pm

Hi,
3 weeks ago my boyfriend (out of the blue for me) broke up with me after 3 years of being together. We were so close, best friends and madly in love, we were saving for a home and had plans to marry and start a family in the future.

In September, he started his career in his new job as a teacher, and this is when things began to change. He is under a lot of pressure with his job, and he always has so much work to do. Often he will stay up all night without sleep, or very little sleep, just to get the marking and lesson plans done. I noticed us becoming less close, but I understood he had a lot on. He started to become more distant, he became less affectionate, started to bottle things up, he often didn't seem interested in me, but I had no doubt that we would work through it and it was just the stress of the job.

He began to start putting other people before me, he would rather be with his friends than me, which is not like him at all (which I now realise it was probably because he doesn't have to talk about his feelings or anything with friends) We got in an argument about it. Our arguments never usually last long, but this time he started saying that he doesn't know how he feels anymore and broke up with me.

He has completely changed in such a short time. He says he has no emotions at all about anything anymore, and it's not fair on me because he can't give me the love I need, and he feels so guilty about what he's done to me, leaving me a week before Christmas. He says that he doesn't feel like himself any more, and that he is a different person. It's like he's dead behind the eyes and there is nothing there anymore. He said all he wants to do is sleep all the time and never wake up. He never drinks, he's never been bothered about it. Now he's drinking all the time, because he says it takes his mind off work and he can just feel numb. I've begging him to take me back, and let me help him. I want him to quit, but he's admitted that this is like an addiction, he can't leave the job even though he can see it being so self destructive. He was the most loving, selfless, patient man I've ever known, he is the opposite now, he just doesn't care.

Sometimes he admits there is something wrong, other times he dismisses it as a bit of stress and there's nothing wrong. He never ever wants to talk about his feelings, he gets snappy when I push. He says he's sick of people asking him, since his friends and family have been asking too. He doesn't want the stigma of asking for help, he doesn't want to be seen as not coping in case it ruins all he has worked for in his career.

What should I do to help him? All I want to do is text him and see him. We text or call every other day, but it's always me contacting him. We've met up a few times. All i do is hug him, stroke his head, hold his hand and tell him how much I love him and will support him and how none of this is his fault so he doesn't need to feel guilt anymore, but he's so cold, I can tell he only lets me do that because he thinks it will help me and make me feel better. I thought if I shower him with love and show how much I care it might help, but I don't think it does at all. I don't know whether to give him space, or whether he actually needs support. I don't want to be too pushy and drive him away, but I don't want us to drift apart either!? I've really struggled through this break up, I feel like my life has been turned upside down and I really need some help.

AndreR
Posts: 417
Joined: Mon Aug 26, 2013 9:34 pm
Location: United Kingdom

Re: Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Postby AndreR » Sun Jan 05, 2014 10:24 pm

Hello

Welcome to the forum

Sorry to hear about the difficulties you are both going through.

From the surface of things it seems your boyfriend could be slipping into depression triggered from stress. There is a number of behaviours you describe that have direct symptoms with depression, as well as following the stages connected with depression.
We can all manage a certain level of stress, but we all also have our limits. We won't know these limits until we are at these points.

Once our stress limits have been crossed, the mind begins to struggle, begins to trigger withdrawal behaviours from society and within themselves to what the mind believes is a place of safety, that place it believes is to move into the back of conciousness for a while until the things that had threatened it have gone.
However slipping into depression has its own negatives, once in depression the mind may find itself unable to find a way back, even when the stress has been relieved. This is where therapy comes in to help with the journey home.

Alcohol can also be a self administered sedative to provide the feeling of being taken away from the stress, yet could increase the risk to the depth of depression.

Of course there are various types of depression requiring different treatments. If he is entering into depression you may find at first any efforts to offer support in the way you have been giving may not get through to him as he may begin to close off to all that is around him, even his distancing from you may be part of his withdrawal. This is no fault of your own, but simply the process. But the care and support will always be an important of his trying to cope, especially at the times if he may at times feel alone and worthless.

Of course I can only comment from the details written in your post, therefore please don't take my reply as what is actually happening, he could consider seeking a health professional in person who may be able to help him in the best way possible undertaking an assessment to his behaviour.

Maybe he could take a short break, a change of scenery within a relaxing place, just the two of you, but not to talk about his work, give more quiet time, no pressure, no exploring for the moment, just to step back into a less pressure environment to see if it is the early depression that starts to subside as he starts to become more responsive to his environment and to you. If you both find this brings light to his behaviour and overall well-being improving, then maybe acceptance and a discussion can then begin to look at ways to alleviate any associated stress.

I hope you may feel comfortable to share how you feel and how things are going for you as you find yourself having to cope with the difficult situation.

Hope this may help.

Take care

Andre
Do it...Afraid.

telephantasm
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Nov 03, 2015 7:14 pm

Re: Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Postby telephantasm » Tue Nov 03, 2015 7:27 pm

Dear Pinkgrenade,

I have same problem now!
Please, tell me have things improved? Are you back together and is he same as before?

Best regards and hope you both are well!

shazzie
Posts: 40
Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2015 9:38 am

Re: Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Postby shazzie » Mon May 09, 2016 6:25 pm

I agree with Andre,
We all have our limits when it comes to stress, and once over those limits the world can fall apart. It does sound like he is experiencing depression and alcohol is most people's go to at times of stress, unfortunately it is also a depressant.

Tell him why you are concerned, ask if he will allow you to go to the GP with him, write down everything that needs to be discussed.

In terms of your relationship, it may be worth acknowledging that at this moment in time he views it as over, reinforce that you are still his friend and this is coming from a friend rather than a prospective partner. He may find that easier to manage at the moment.

I hope it all works out
Shazzie

saintest
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2016 11:52 am

Re: Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Postby saintest » Wed Jul 27, 2016 12:09 pm

You love him so much, and he cant see it, or doesnt want to, you should leave him alone, let he think trough, what he had! And after that maybe things changes)
Hi, ist me)))

m1008a
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:42 pm

Re: Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Postby m1008a » Sun Sep 02, 2018 12:46 pm

So what happened finally?

tofler
Posts: 291
Joined: Thu Sep 08, 2016 11:33 pm
Location: England (North East)

Re: Stress cause my boyfriend to end our 3 yr relationship?

Postby tofler » Sun Sep 02, 2018 7:03 pm

m1008a wrote:So what happened finally?


Hi m1008a and welcome to the forum! You might not get an answer to your question I'm afraid because you've replied to a post which is a few years old now and I don't think any of these people are still posting on here. Are you struggling with the same sort of issues at the moment?


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