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HAD ENOUGH

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francessmith
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:29 pm

HAD ENOUGH

Postby francessmith » Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:42 pm

I have had enough of living under the black cloud that never leaves me, I am just making my husband and kids suffer they would be better off if I was out of their lives, I feel so tired of living, I want to be free of this mental torment that never lets up. I am just existing hour by hour, I feel as if I am losing the battle to carry on I just want peace and I know that will only happen when I am dead.

francessmith
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:29 pm

Re: HAD ENOUGH

Postby francessmith » Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:19 pm

Still feeling really crap, I have this huge black cloud of depression hanging over me, and it never goes away. The anti depressants dont feel as if they are working any more, been refered to the mental heatlh crisis team but I dont feel I can hang on much longer. My doctor is trying to help me but nothing seems to be working any more I just feel so desperate. My family are trying so hard to help me but I feel I am bringing them down in to my depression. I keep thinking that the only way to stop this depression is not to be here anymore and that by ending it I will finally get some peace. I am so scared of this dark pit and I cant seem to find my way out. I dont want to hurt my husband and children any more but they deserve so much more than I can give them. I feel scared of what I might do to myself. I feel so tired of feeling this way all of the time. I just want to escape from the hold that my depression has on me. I feel that every thing is out of my control and I dread every new day that starts as I feel that I am only existing and not living.
I just don't want to be like this any more I want to be some where away from this depression some where I can find some peace.

francessmith
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:29 pm

Re: HAD ENOUGH

Postby francessmith » Tue Jun 21, 2011 9:07 am

Hi rj turner,
just read your reply just wanted to say thank you so much for your support it meant such a lot to me to know that someone else understands how I am feeling. I am sat here reading your reply with my husband its the first time that I have shown him what I have been writing and feeling, it feels good to know that I am not so alone with this black cloud that contiues to follow me around. I have an appointment tomorrow with the crisis team but I don't feel very hopeful that they will be able to help me in anyway. I often feel so alone with my thoughts and feelings but most of the time I just feel really scared that I may act on one of my destructive thoughts some times the urge is so strong just to end it all and escape to some where peaceful, but I dont really want to leave my husband and childrren. Every day I struggle with my depression and I have been admitted to hospital a few times which did seem to help for a while. You would laugh if I told you that I have almost finished my training to be a counsellor and that I help people like me every day but some how I cant seem to be able to help myself. I feel so tired some times and find it so hard to carry on doing every day normal stuff, I often feel that I will never reach the top of my mountain no matter what I do. Things have been worse since christmas when I had a family bust up and I am now no longer in contact with my family, which actually has done me a favour. Some times things come to a head and I completly loose control and go into mental melt down, this happened a couple of weeks ago and my husband ended up calling the police as a last resort to keep me safe. I just wish that I could have just a couple of days where I feel like a normal person and be a good wife and mum to my children. They deserve so much more as they are wonderful. Anyway thanks for being there for me it means so much to be understood.

francessmith
Posts: 121
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2011 7:29 pm

Re: HAD ENOUGH

Postby francessmith » Thu Jun 23, 2011 9:57 am

Hi rj turner,
just thought I would keep you up dated on how I got on yesterday at my meeting with the crisis team. They were really helpful and supportive to both my self and my husband, we were in the meeting for over an hour talking about how I am feeling right now and the trigger for this latest episode of depression. They seem to think that the bust up with my family at christmas started off my symptoms again. Between us we have put together a support system which they think will be helpful and they are arranging some cbt therepy for me and reviewing all my medication.
I spent most of the hour crying, but at least now they know how crap I am feeling right now.
I am still struggling and living hour by hour, but I dont feel so alone now. I still feel really scared of what I might end up doing to myself as the feeling of wanting to end it all is sometimes over whelming and really powerful. At the moment I can only see the black cloud that hangs over me all the time, and the future is impossible to think about. I am finding it hard to sleep at night as thats when my thoughts are at their worst. I am trying to keep myself safe by not being alone, and when I feel scared or out of control I put myself to bed and stay their as thats where I feel the safest. I know people must wonder what I have to be depressed about as I have a wonderful family who love and care for me and I am at the begining of a new career doing something that I love, but knowing this does not help if anything it makes me feel even more guilty. But thanks to you and the support of my family I am hoping that things will get better but I know that it will take time. RJ thank you your support it has meant so much to me I would like to send you hugs xx


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