Update part 2
I’m hoping where I am might help some people.
One of the big problems I’ve had with moving on is my head constructing these stories about my ex and how she’s feeling/What she’s doing. At various points I had myself convinced that I’d meant nothing to her. That I was just a rebound or a transition, that she was much happier now. This was my brain trying to make sense out of a situation that makes no sense. I do think now that we both jumped into the relatio ship too quickly. I don’t think that invalidates the relationship or means it meant nothing. But I do think it made it inevitable that there would be a problem at some point (As we saw) as neither of us dealt with the very real issues we were coming from. Looking back there was very little gap between the end of her toxic relationship and us getting together. Just a matter if weeks really.
I’ve thought a lot about the ‘relationship’ I was convinced she is in. I’m not so sure about that . And whatever is happening it isn’t a relationship as I understand it. She goes to the pub with him to watch the football. That is seemingly all they do. I got the impression that maybe he wants more? And maybe more has happened (but as it’s happening outside our relationship I’m not giving it too much thought) it’s all part and parcel of her self medicating behaviour I think this is indicative of where her head is right now. She’s functioning so much better but she still seems confused about what she wants and what she can handle (as muxh as I can tell). But I am trying to wean myself off thinking about them. I don’t know the truth. She isn’t telling anyone about them and all I’m doing is drawing conclusions from very little information.
These stories aren’t any help to me. They’ve made me feel miserable. They’ve made me obsess over the smallest thing (social media has been a big problem with this) the ‘breadcrumbs ‘, at least in my case, have all been constructs of my own. It’s hard to not do it and I’m still guilty of it, but by occupying yourself with other things (exercise, social life, hobbies) you can make life more bearable for yourself.
As a postscript. Strangely in the last month or so my ex has shown me so much more attention than she has in the previous 4 months. Now a lot of that could be that she’s more comfortable with me as she thinks I’ve moved on. But I actually wouldn’t be surprised if I was another thing she is confused about. I don’t expect her to reach out to Me, that’s not who she Is, but equally it wouldn’t surprise me totally if in another month or so that happens. That’s acomplete turn around from a few months ago when I was convinced she didn’t have one positive thought for me at all and rather wished I wasn’t around. Like I was a bad reminder of something. Now I’ve given myself a bit of closure and moved on for myself im able to observe her with a lot more impartiality and largely stopped making up narratives of how much happier she is without me etc. As we had a short relationship it’s entirely plausible that the process of recovery has completely reset her emotions concerning me. But I think I still represent a life to her that she wants but still feels incapable of achieving. Or possibly even someone she wishes she could have such a life with. This has probably been exacerbated by seeing me doing well in my life lately, as in the last few months I’ve lost a lot of weight, got a promotion at work, bought a house etc. We used to talk about her hopes and dreams for the future a lot and I know her current life doesn't match up with anything we talked about. This seems to me to be another indication that she isn't fully recovered. And likely what she's doing with her spare time is about all she feels she can handle right now. Hanging out in the pub takes is easy. It demands so little.
Sadly this whole process has made me realise that for me at least it wasn’t a rebound. I wasn’t just lonely and filling the gap in my life after my fiancee passed. The feelings are real. As I say I’d get back together with my ex, but not without a lot of thought and a lot of long conversations! And we’d obviously need to start again completely. And as I say above that seems unlikely still. I think we will likely just slowly drift apart and just be one of those things that isn’t meant to be. I’m starting to realise that all the things we worry about. Contact no contact etc. Is largely irrelevant. I think you can push them away yourself with too much contact and in particular negative comments such showing your hurt because that just exacerbates the negative feelings that plague them. No or limited contact does give them space but more importantly it gives us time to heal. The most important thing is time. Obviously this all depends on the specific situation. My ex’s depression seems relatively mild compared to some (although I’m sure not to her) and as she is seeking treatment I have no doubts she will emerge from this latest episode. I think th problem with time is that it can take a long long time and for those of us left waiting that can be an impossible length of time.
Sorry. A bit of a long ramble!
TL;DR: Don’t let your brain run away with itself. Take time and space for yourself. Time is the key. We will all be ok!