Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

[scn]

Hi Ariane,

Yes it does sound very familiar, doesn't it?

I think what I am coming to realise is that it's impossible to nurture people out of their depression.

As much as they will be triggered and revert, insisting they don't want or need any support, the fact of the matter is human beings DO need those things. The Henry Harlow monkey experiments proved that - when given a choice between a wire prop mother monkey with a bottle of milk and a soft terry cloth prop without a bottle, the babies always chose the soft one because they needed to be nurtured.

So wtf can we do? A lot of people would say play the 'no contact' card, but in cases of people with emotional abandonment fears, that will just put even more distance between you that will take twice as long to traverse if you go back. Is it wise to keep hold of those straws, the crumbs they occasionally let slip? Must we become mind-readers and know when saying 'I love you' is safe and when it's not?

Are we losing ourselves by fighting for what we've convinced ourselves we must have? I have no answers, just endless frustration and more questions.

I hate this so much.

[ariane]

Scn,

I told my guy when i went home after my last visit a week ago to talk to his friends about the meds and the dark thoughts. I told him that if he didn't I would, I told him that I had done it before and i would do it again. to which he responded i know. His problem is that he does not want to bother anyone with his S..T (his words) as everyone has their own problem to deal with. Yet he tells me about it... why push me away after then, i wonder...

Did he stop contact to prompt me to get in touch with his friends as this way it wasn't him bothering them it was me
Is he still refusing to contact me but not blocking me because he wants to prove to himself that he is not good enough and that i will walk away
Is he expecting that i will show up unannounced like i did the last time

What is bothering me in all of this is the fact that none of his friends, although they all said they would, have contacted me to give me an update on how he is doing. Why wouldn't they contact me? Even if he was fine and didn't want to see me, how hard is it to say Listen he is ok, don't worry

[lilliep]

Hi Scn and Ariane

There is just no knowing with these men. They change mood without any warning and it’s impossible to predict. Early last week my man was quite chatty and happy about his court case, we were planning the nice meal and champagne I promised him ages back for a good result. By the end of the week he was evasive and uncommunicative. I know what’s happened. He’s had a whole weekend drinking binge with his Eastern European mate. He did it when I was with him but he always told me then.

I don’t know if this will help at all Ariane but I read in an article that one of the signs that a depressed person has not yet convinced themself to let you go is the fact they continues to stay in contact despite you asking them not to. I guess this applies to you as he hasn’t blocked you despite you suggesting it.

Take care both

Lillie xx

[ariane]

I really don’t know. Does him not responding really qualify as maintaining contact?
One minute I think it’s a relapse, the next I am brought back to his friend talking about fear of commitment and typical behaviour from him.
I hate this...
The last few weeks I was so happy...

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

He’s reading the messages even if he’s not responding, my ever optimistic self would call that keeping in contact in his own way. He’s also keeping read receipts on which is good. My guy, ex or whatever he is, turned his off again so I never know when or if he reads my messages. I feel you had a lot more positives in your meetings up than I ever did, I still hold hope that things will work out for you.

Lillie x

[arwen2018]

My ex shut me out for a month and a half before breaking up with me. During that time, he would read my messages (not always straight away), but very, very rarely responded. I reckon during that time he was planning who to move on to (my replacement) and how he would do that because he can’t be on his own (abandonment issue/Personality Disorder).

You need to think whether you want to carry on in limbo, walk on eggshells all the time and accept crumbs, or do you deserve happiness, peace and to be in a healthy relationship?

It has been hard for me. It has been confusing. The grieving process was the hardest I’ve been through. But I’m glad to say it gets better. You will get there too. Be strong. We are all here for you xx

[ariane]

Sent this this morning. He’s been online as soon as I sent but didn’t read. He was chatting to someone else at the same time.
I am very anxious today, I just want answers

Whatever is going on with you does not give you the right to treat me the way you have been in the last week. You keep mentioning these friends of yours who have gone through a shit time. Do you consider the shit time you are putting people through by your actions. Your silence is cruel. Not only have I been worried about you, I am also at a loss as to what’s going on. The last time at least you had the decency to text me an explanation. If you want out then please just tell me instead of blanking me out. I don’t deserve this from you, I really don’t and honestly this is impacting me to a degree you wouldn’t imagine. It is not fair on me.

[scn]

Arwen I took a lot of comfort from your post. The 'wind down' period in my relationship was the same - about six weeks of him getting steadily worse and less communicative. There is no evidence he's looking for a replacement - on the contrary he is so badly affected by his childhood abandonment stuff he's adamant he never wants a relationship again.
I'm curious to know more about why you thought he had a Personality Disorder however - can you elaborate?

[arwen2018]

Hi scn

I read about Borderline Personality Disorder. Although I'm not 100% sure and it would be up to a Professional to diagnose, my ex appeared to have displayed some of the signs. For example, the intensity of the relationship and how he seemed to have idealized me. How after the 2nd date he really liked me and changed his mind about wanting to take it slowly. After breaking up with me, his behaviour changed to how he used to be 15 years ago and before he was married (according to his cousin) and his cousin said my ex turned very selfish and back to womanising. The day after the break up, he re-activated his Facebook account and spent hours on there, which I believe was to contact his female Facebook friends. Some of them were ex girlfriends from before he got married. I suspect he eventually hooked up with one of them who has recently been separated from her husband. I believe I saw them by chance. He was driving a convertible and she was the passenger. My ex did not have a convertible, but on the night he broke up with me, he told me he wanted to buy an Audi TT and an expensive watch. He was in debt and didn't have a job. He declined to continue with a training course that his cousin paid for to help him get a well paid job. Instead, he took an unfulfilling job. I didn't experience the devaluation phase (not to my knowledge), as we didn't live together and I hadn't seen him for 1 and half months. He might have done it in his mind.
Having said that, all of the above might just be abandonment issues and regression from his depression. Personality Disorders are, I understand, very difficult to diagnose. What I know for sure is that my ex is sick but refuses to seek help and treatment.

[arwen2018]

Hi Ariane

I'm concerned about you and feel so bad for you. This is not right, nor healthy for you. I don't think your guy will respond to you. You can't reason with the irrational. And he is irrational at the moment. Unless he takes his medication, it will get worse. As hard as it is, you need to think about yourself first and put yourself first. Do you have anyone you can talk to? May be find the help of a Counsellor through your GP? For your own sanity and health, leave him be. Go no contact if you have to.
If you need to vent, vent on here. But don't message him.

We are here for you xx