If only life was as simple as you see it..
You may mean well.. But listening is good to...
What is it you said to me again? Oh yes.
" First of all, I think I understand the despair you feel, but I'll offer you another point of view - my point of view. There is no hope for you, no happy ever after because a person you cared about has betrayed you and made you feel bad."
I think you were saying that from.. My perspective outlook.. But, I think it was a bit much to be honest, and not thought out well, when you consider I am suicidal right now.
If only life was that simple, or that three dimensional. It isn't. Many factors play into people's lives you have only seen a small snippet of mine.
Deep sigh.. Here we go....
Iam child victim of abuse, long term.. believe me, when I say, that pain stays with you forever.
It's not about not letting people help you, I have and I do, and I respect them for it.. Its about living each day without rembering things, cruel, tortures things I went through. It's about, being able to sleep at night without having nightmares and recurring bad dreams. It's about drowning out those memories.. Only when I can do that petmanantely , can I heal.
And that is what I'm trying to do.
But some people in the present day, have added to the stress of my life. So I've found myself going one step forward and five steps back.
They are not there anymore.. Which seems to be for the best.
They have their own issues, and I can't take any other people's problems anymore. I'm 51, time for a break...
I am not a sponge that soaks up everybodies problems and I'm not a sage that has the answer for everybodies ills, I am merely a man, in pain. That's the experience I carry.
Rome wasn't built in a day Modin, I need time and understanding..You can't rush a building, otherwise if you do the building may look great, beautiful in fact, but the foundations it lays on are crap and won't last long.. . I am sure you understand what I mean Modin.. Time is a healer.. And I need time.
Considering what I have been through in my life, uptil when I had a heart attack and heart surgery in 2016 I had survived pretty well.. I had contained all the pain, controlled all the hurt and tried to be the best loving father a man can possibly be. So my children may have a better life than I did and not see their dad in turmoil because of his past.
Sometimes I failed, my children sometimes saw my pain and my depression, but I tried so hard to contain it, and keep it private to me.
It wasn't easy..
I am very family orientated. My kids are everything.
But as I got older, the cracks started to appear, a few years before my heart attack and especially after. By then, my children are adults of their own.
I don't think this generation tolerates a manic depressive, because that's what I am, let's not beat around the Bush.. The old generation did.. This generation just wants pretty balloons and lovely bows and if they don't get it, God do they let you know about it. Lol..
Dissclaimer: I'm not saying the whole of the population of the young people, I'm saying some... Just to make that clear..
To put it bluntly, my kids love me, but since my heart problem especially and since my depression has kicked in so bad, their old man has become something of an embarrassment to them.
I don't blame them I guess, I'm embarrassed of my depression myself..
Unfortunately, as is the problem after evasive surgery, with some people, depression kicked in then memories followed, flooded back, bad memories, that I thought I'd pushed down deep.
Of course I have functioned like anybody else in life, I've brought up two lovely children that I love very much and very proud of. I've lived a life, contributed to society as best I can , but the pains still there Modin, it never leaves you. You just learn to push it down deep inside.
Every good professional I've talked to, has said that when you hit your fourties or your fifties it is normal for those memories to knock you down at this age, to send you into a spiral of depression. For some reason unbeknown to us, this seems to be the age you suffer if you've been a child victim.
When you've been through abuse in your life, pain, heartache, and a lot of that has come from your own family. . You have no idea of the pain and dispair in my life its caused me.
But I never give up hope in persueing that happiness, that cure, to make all that hurt and memories go away.
If I didn't have some resemblance of hope, I wouldn't be here now. And my first suicidal attempt years ago wouldn't have failed.
Why is it abusers always have an amazing friendship base. People on the outside that don't know what theyve done, love them.... amazing
But yet victims, live a life of loneliness and dispair, their pain isolating them from the world. And even if some are not isolated, they still suffer the recurring memories everyday in their mind. They inprison their mind.. Because of an abuser..
I am very proud of my life, Iam a god man, with a good heart and I've loved and cared for people in my life. Ive been strong when I've had to be, loved people, protected my family when I needed to and tried to live in a sometimes selfish society. I think making it to fifty has been a miricale in itself. So we'll done me, lol..
Sometimes life for some, comes with scares, and there's not much you can do about that Modin, but prey you make it through..
I'm still a human being, even though depression takes away your self respect.
And I still hold out hope that I can get through this!!!
I maybe a man with considerable pain inside, but I'm still an optimist till the very end.
And I have a woman that loves me very much...
And that's after, a week of seriously contemplating suicide. Where the only reason I'm here still, is because of the kindness of others, and the unwavering support they gave me.
And to them I owe a lot. I am forever grateful.
I wish there was more people like them in the world..
I am exhausted Modin, I've divulged more than I usually would.
That's enough for me. My head needs a break