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Feeling Isolated

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j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Tue Jun 30, 2020 12:15 am

Hi Modin,

I hope you’ve had a good few days?

I guess I did use the past a bit to much in my last post, going on about my Capri gear like I was Derek Trotter...
Sorry Modin, it’s an old tactic of mine when I know I’m hitting the end of despair and arriving at no hope horizon... The trouble is that the old laugh standby is not helping as much as it use to.
Depression is so dam lonely, I’m lonely... :(

A young man should have confidence, it impresses a young woman lol.. Or so all the experts say..

Just be you Modin...That’s all you have to be..Try not to worry about things you can’t change, embrace the best things of you..The plus points... you’ll find that any negative points you may have, your new girlfriend will soon point them out to you anyway.. Without you needing to even think about it, lol.. In other words saving yourself all that brain worry, lol..
They are good at that...I’m joking..I’m sure she’s a lovely person.

Confidence in the big world can be scary, when you have little of it...God only knows I and probably many others Modin have suffered from it at some point in our lives. But you got this , you can win through those doubts, you have too, because you’ll be a better man for it and you’ll achieve so much more..You don’t want to waste that intelligence you have on such negative doubts..

Remember this..
Actors are the most insecure people in the world..Most Comedians suffer from depression...And musicians are just on another planet anyway..lol...Yet they all have one thing in common, they battle their demons daily, they fight their doubts in their head daily, to try and make it in this world and better themselves as performers...Nobody knows more about rejection than entertainers ... But the best ones, never loose sight of the goal..
Your goal..Is belief in you..Forget all the negative points you see in yourself.. And start looking at the positive ones, and keep remembering them everyday..If you do, in time, those positives will turn into other new positives...
Don’t forget, like negative thoughts can bring you down, positive ones can lift you up and up..

I need to listen to myself more, I make a lot of sense...sometimes, lol..
Life is one big performance Modin.. Give it your best 100% shot, that’s all you can do, you’ll be so happy you did..


Hint 1, for today.. You can please some of the people some of the time, but not all the people all of the time... So don’t worry about what others think, just be you.. Of course, still worry about what your mother thinks and your parents in general, because there for life, not just for Xmas.

I never knew my parents very well, hardly saw them in 51 years... Feel lucky Modin that you have people in your life that love you at such a young age and are there for you..
Both my parents were never there... And my grandad, who was my best friend, my teacher, my father figure died when I was 19..It’s tough when your young to loose somebody that’s been so influential in your life..A part of you dies with them..

I wouldn’t want your life to turn out like mine Modin..

I look on you tube, and marvel.. I’ve never seen so many so called experts on so many subjects, the Confidence motivational gurus are the best..There’s so many of them, and you can guarantee their help comes with their own endorsed line of books, dvds, seminars and business seminars... or buy the whole lot for that special never to be repeated price, you lucky people, only available for 30 more days at this bargain price of $30, rush and buy it before it goes back up to its still amazingly low price of .......$2,300....
What people don’t seem to realise...Is the .. “only available for 30 days “, slogan...has probably been going for 3 years.... :)...lol ...life does make me laugh..

Yea...where there’s a body still breathing, there’s a perspective customer on the horizon I guess..

The gravy train may change the way it looks, but it’s still a gravy train, going to the same old destination...Ka-ching Central Station..
The internet is becoming the new shopping mall... And our email addresses are becoming the new letterboxes, where all the junk mail is sent...History repeating itself again in a more advanced way..

You get what you pay for, they say. You certainly do.... You have to pay a hell of a lot, to get anything resembling what you pay for...Quality I mean... My theory is, plastic was invented for poor people ,lol...

Don’t get me wrong Modin, I embrace the new techno world....It’s brought a lot of good.. And it’s fantastic, some of the stuff available.. But do we need it all really? Are we really any happier?
It’s just I see the same charlatans, the same scammers the same greedy people in business on the World Wide Web as use to be in the days before the internet.. nothing changes...
Still...saying all that, you tube has some great documentaries, I’ve been all round the world thanks to You Tube..It really is a good educational tool....
I’ll have a look at that channel you recommend, thank you for recommending it..

I’m off again, sorry this is how I unwind at 51, lol...I’m joking...The real truth Modin..This is a grown man, that if he doesn’t laugh, he may just fall down and cry and just stay there and never get back up..Which was always seen as a weakness by my family...Men don’t cry apparently..

I promise I will talk about a few things in my life next time, it’s just hard bringing them up Modin, but yea, a problem shared is a problem halved I guess... Get your pencil and pad ready for next time then lol...I feel like a lab rat. Lol...
In fact ask me some questions you want to know, I will answer them honestly.. And if I don’t want to answer, I’ll honestly tell you I can’t ..

Here’s one question for you..Are you a very intelligent French lad who can speak better English than me, or , as I suspect , are you a very intelligent young English man living in your parents Villa in a beautiful part of France ?..Do not tell me where you live, remember this is an open forum.

Stay upbeat my friend.

J













I’ve struggled with confidence all my life modin. That’s the trouble

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Tue Jun 30, 2020 12:35 pm

Hey J. I have had a good few days indeed! And you do need to listen to yourself more! We're all alike in that way.

Here are some questions for you then: how has your son hurt you? What's your relationship with him like? How was your ex's family possessive and how did it hurt your relationship? How's the rest of your family inconsiderate with you? You sound like you have many regrets about how your life turned out. Missed opportunities, wrong choices made. Lots of underlying hurt, questions of "what if I'd done this differently?". That's really hard to live with... but we fail, we learn, we do better. There's always the future to look forward to.

Don't worry about it if you don't want to answer! You can also ask me as many questions as you want. After all it's always nice when someone cares enough to ask :)

To answer yours... a villa mate? Are you bloody bonkers? But really, I'm french, born and raised. A villa! I wish! Or... maybe I don't after all. I'm not materialistic, I know there are things that matter much more, and I had them, so I never complain even though my family is very modest.

I live in a very small flat, 69 sq yd if you wanna know. It's always been hard for my single smoker alcoholic mom (with 0 financial help from my dad) to give me what I wanted. So I made do with what I had, which was not much. Always had few clothes, few toys, few possessions. My most prized one is my 1k€ pc on which I'm typing. Unfortunately that means I have to pirate most things, software, shows, movies, games, music, ebooks.

Heh, my "girlfriend" (I'm still not sure I should call her that) lives in this massive house, has two cars (I don't even have one mate!), her parents own a big patch of land, she has this 2k€ RGB laptop that was given as a gift... but I'm not envious. Her family's been proper shitty to her, she's had it rough. Her school was bad, she's had bad experiences with people. On top of everything she has hallucinations on a daily basis. It's all relative. I have had a good family, good education, I was raised well and provided with love. I can't ask for anything more.

And about what I said, that I'm not sure I should call her my girlfriend... it's a very complicated situation. It could be simple, I'd like it to be simple, I try to make it simple :) I believe that we complicate things for ourselves a bit too much. Sometimes things are simple really, when you think about it. But for her it's complicated.

We live thousands of miles apart (it's a long distance relationship), she has trust problems (unsurprisingly with her past), she has a child, she still lives with her child's father who's been abusive (she broke up with him, but still lives with him). I came into her life at a critical point and I like to think I gave her the emotional support she needed to make the right decisions for herself (she just needed a little push), but there are still many doubts and unanswered questions in her mind, and although she fell in love very fast with me (which felt amazing to me who hadn't known anything like it), she backed off even faster when she realized how dangerous it had been. Gaining her trust is the hardest thing I've ever set out to do.

I'm not perfect either and sometimes I misunderstand, or I'm clumsy, which is perfectly ok in my opinion! After all, I lack experience, but I put all my heart in it. However, she's vulnerable and susceptible - she gets hurt easily, and sometimes I get afraid of that. But I try my hardest not to stay afraid, and to say the things I think need to be said no matter how I think she'll take it. I don't think it's the same for her, however - she has trouble telling me things, she keeps them to herself. Lots of underlying fears about rejection, abandonment, conflict, being misunderstood... she's also emotionally dependent, and since the situation's so complicated, she doesn't know how to feel about her ex.

I don't know how to feel about him either, to be frank. His abusive behavior (what she's told me of it) is utterly horrible and disgusting to me. Yet I also recognize how attached she is and so it's all about tact. Plus she's got a child with him, so, understandably, she believes he should stay in her life in some function. Being bipolar, she alternates between seeing him in all black and all... we'll say gray... between being "over it" and hopeful.

In essence, it's a real bag of knots. I do my best to be supportive, open, and mostly I do my best not to attach myself too much given the unstable/uncertain nature of the relationship. I like having feelings for a woman, and I really want to make it work, but I recognize that at some point I might have to look elsewhere, if things do not seem to be progressing in a direction that's favorable to me. I try not to be a love fool and take my own needs into account :)

Phew. That was a big bite to chew on, wasn't it? Anyways, moving on... we've got the same views on internet gurus. My grandmother (who died last year) always lacked a critical mind regarding this. She was a believer of many things... religion, homeopathy, seers, astrology... I'd always disliked that but one day I started thinking "whatever works for her, not my place to judge". Still, thinking about those charlatans she was giving money to... it wasn't a happy thought. I've always been highly critical of these things. Ads as well, and everything that smells like someone trying to sell me something. We've all got to make a living, but what pisses me off is when these con artists target the gullible and susceptible, like old people. Frequent reminders of the world's ugliness are good for perspective... as are frequent reminders of its beauty :)

We don't need any of the gadgets of the modern world. They've made our lives easier in some ways, harder in others. Ultimately, if what we're looking for is simple happiness, then all we need is food, water, and people. Not to romanticize the tribal epoch, people died younger, disease was deadly, dying in birth was common, but if it's all you know, then it's happiness. What's happiness anyway? We're getting pretty philosophical here... without going into too much detail, I have a pretty nihilistic view on the universe and our place in it. I believe we're simply following our programming. But hell, if it's all I can do... then I'll do it, here I go!

That said, I for one enjoy living in our modern epoch, even if I think we could be happy without it! :)

Hope I managed to confuse you a bit with the british expressions! I really am french though :)

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Tue Jun 30, 2020 10:22 pm

Hi Modin,

So you are French. I like France, have never been, parts of your country look beautiful and the woman look fiery and very independent, lol. Like Italian women I guess. I am part Italian.
I have been to a few countries in Europe, Germany, Belgium, Austria, Italy, but I’ve never been to France yet. Is it true what I hear, the French dislike the English? Lol.. Especially in Paris where I hear they despise the English, lol.. I do not say that as a criticism of your country, our reputation has not been good in other countries, we’ve kind of brought it on ourselves.
I just find it a shame that other cultures can’t get on with one another. We are in 2020 , not 1820.
I like learning from other cultures. I find it interesting.

Although ,lol...I still haven’t forgiven Frank Leboeuf for showing off so much about his team winning the first French World Cup in 1998. He made every Englishman furious. Lol.. I think he retired not long after that, lol...
Zinedine Zidane was a player that I thought was fantastic way back then, great player.
My favourite player of all time and an adopted Frenchman ( because I think he’s part Sicilian ) and a good actor too, and I like him as a person..Eric Cantona.. King Eric..The man that talks to seagulls, lol..He is a Legend in and out of football..

Anyway, let’s rock this post, and try to answer at least some of the things you brought up in your post. And yours was an array of thoughts and feelings and a few questions which I will try to answer in part.
I have to say again, for a 25 year old, your penmanship ( or txtmanship ) is on parr with many famous French Writers. Sometimes I feel I am reading the thoughts and feelings of Victor Hugo, who I’m sure you know, is the famous French novelist. You have many famous French novelists in France. You are extremely articulate for a 25 year old, it’s amazing. Your thoughts and feelings seem of somebody much older, and certainly well read.

I think Modin, some of the questions you ask, although they are innocently put to me, I feel are a little bit intrusive into my family. Everybody has problems in their family, and struggle with those things. But there’s one thing I hold dear, as I’m sure many others do that may read this, I am fiercely loyal to my family. Mine is not to question the why’s of my families actions, mine is simply to find a solution for my own woes and to find peace again in my own mind.

I still love my family that have hurt me Modin. Why? ..Because I believe that forgiveness is so important if you are to grow as a person. You don’t have to see that person that has caused you pain ever again, if you don’t want to, but forgiving that person in your mind, is the only way to find inner peace. Otherwise your whole life is based on ill feelings and revenge. And all that negativity will destroy you and your soul.

Depression in my opinion, can be more than just a mind full of negative thoughts. Some of the most positive people in the world have been hit by depression. Some have even taken their lives in an instant. The families of these people that were left behind, have always said the same thing. “ We never saw it coming, we thought ( he or she ) was so happy...
Depression can be a mixture of many things, including the character of the recipient making the condition better or worse for themselves.
It’s not just about negative thoughts, it’s also about overwhelming times, times that you have no control over, that can put more pressure on your life, over and over again.
Confidence is another depression trigger, or rather lack of it.

Like my lack of confidence, makes my condition worse. Because it makes me isolate myself. I know I’m doing it, but I feel safe in my own imprisonment. How bad is that. :(

Right now I’ve had some terrible private news today. Something that could kill me tonight if I don’t try to be strong, and try to keep up beat, and believe in a silver lining.. Which gets harder and harder.... I’m serious.

I got to be honest I am finding it hard to keep myself motivated, this may just be the tipping point. I truly don’t know.

I intended to answer you about your problems you brought up. But right now , after the news I’ve had, I’m no good to nobody.

I just can’t bring myself to go into deep thinking today. I’m sorry Modin.
Right now I feel everyday, I’m lucky to be here, that’s how bleak my outlook is..
Your my only friend in the world apart from my ex, and I don’t even hardly know you.

That’s how sad my life is..

Goodnight Modin. I’m sorry that my post may let you down

J

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Wed Jul 01, 2020 12:24 am

Don't sweat it. I told you it was fine if you didn't want to answer, and it's fine! Doesn't make you useless or anything. You received bad news, you seem devastated. Sometimes we all need a break. Sometimes we all deserve to be no good for however long it takes for us to recharge our batteries. :)

Don't beat yourself up so much. Don't apologize so much to me :) you certainly don't owe me anything. Your life is only as sad as you decide it is. You hurt so much because you think you're not enough. Maybe because people made you think you weren't enough. But what if you are? Forgiveness is important to you, but could you ever forgive yourself?

When faced with the question of suicide... I've always wondered... what to tell someone who's on the brink. When life becomes so painful that the best option becomes ending it. How to comfort them? I don't know what depression is like. I've had particularly bad days in my life, I can barely imagine life being that bad constantly. I don't know if it will get better for you, all I know is that it can. You reached out on this forum and made a friend, that's not nothing. It proves you've got it in you to make good decisions and pull yourself out of that hole. It wasn't sheer luck, it was also your actions.

All I can tell you is that it's been a blast discussing with you. I think you're a very kind person and the world would be worse off without you in it. Sure you stay at home for now but so what? You've made my life more interesting, possibly some other people on the forums! (this thread has a lot of views, maybe we helped some people without even knowing about it? don't hesitate to post guys!) And more can still happen :)

Whatever you decide, I'll be here waiting :)

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Wed Jul 01, 2020 10:53 am

No Modin,

A very clever manipulative person, who has fooled everyone has pushed me to breaking point.
It’s what they really want.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing who pretended to care. But really only ever cared about them self.
A person who Bled me dry of love and attention and then needed more.

This person truly knows how to use people to their own advantage, how to spin a yarn.

There is no hope for me. No happy ever after. I’ve realised that now.
This person has gutted my heart and made me feel death is the only option.

If I am to get away from that person

J51

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Thu Jul 02, 2020 2:18 am

Hmmm ok, I'll try to tell you the right things. I don't know what happened to you but I'll try to guess. I hope I'm not off topic! Also if you want to tell me what happened, I'm here to listen.

First of all, I think I understand the despair you feel, but I'll offer you another point of view - my point of view. There is no hope for you, no happy ever after because a person you cared about has betrayed you and made you feel bad?

Nobody around you, ever, no matter how much you care about them, will ever be the end of your world... unless you let it. The future you wanted for yourself, the hope you clinged to, was shattered because an unknown variable revealed itself and that desire now proves to be impossible to reach. Be strong! Change your desire! Change which future you want! It's never over.

We are humans, we adapt. When we can't have what we want, we change our wants. The reason it's so hard for you to do that right now is because you had invested everything in that ideal future. Your well-being had become dependent on that future becoming real. Losing that option feels like losing everything. But you haven't lost everything.

Don't beat yourself up when thinking about how you didn't see it coming or how you have invested so much of yourself into something that couldn't be. Rage at the person who betrayed you if you want to, but don't rage at yourself. You made a mistake trusting that person, but we all make mistakes sometimes. The important part is to learn from it and move on.

But first... let it all out. The time for thinking about all this above comes after. First, you've got to cry, rage, curse, get it out of your way, nurse the headache that comes from crying, wallow in sadness for however long you need and when you're all spent, when you're wondering "what now", don't look at life like it's all over. You wanted something that you can't get. Then, find something else that you can want! You can start with small things, too. Maybe what you want is to not feel like crap for a day? You can start there!

You're as rational as I or anyone else is - you can figure it out. You can figure out what you need to get what you want and what's stopping you from getting it. You can't control everything. You can't control the person who hurt you. But you can control some things, and you can control yourself. You can have understanding, and you can use it to get what you want. You can control your desires and change them according to what's possible or not.

And you don't have to do it all alone. I'm here to help. There are others in your life who can and want to help you. There are lots of people whose jobs are to help. If you feel like there's even the tiniest glimmer of hope left, give it a chance :)

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Thu Jul 02, 2020 5:08 pm

Hi Modin,


If only life was as simple as you see it..

You may mean well.. But listening is good to...

What is it you said to me again? Oh yes.
" First of all, I think I understand the despair you feel, but I'll offer you another point of view - my point of view. There is no hope for you, no happy ever after because a person you cared about has betrayed you and made you feel bad."

I think you were saying that from.. My perspective outlook.. But, I think it was a bit much to be honest, and not thought out well, when you consider I am suicidal right now.


If only life was that simple, or that three dimensional. It isn't. Many factors play into people's lives you have only seen a small snippet of mine.

Deep sigh.. Here we go....

Iam child victim of abuse, long term.. believe me, when I say, that pain stays with you forever.

It's not about not letting people help you, I have and I do, and I respect them for it.. Its about living each day without rembering things, cruel, tortures things I went through. It's about, being able to sleep at night without having nightmares and recurring bad dreams. It's about drowning out those memories.. Only when I can do that petmanantely , can I heal.
And that is what I'm trying to do.

But some people in the present day, have added to the stress of my life. So I've found myself going one step forward and five steps back.
They are not there anymore.. Which seems to be for the best.
They have their own issues, and I can't take any other people's problems anymore. I'm 51, time for a break...
I am not a sponge that soaks up everybodies problems and I'm not a sage that has the answer for everybodies ills, I am merely a man, in pain. That's the experience I carry.

Rome wasn't built in a day Modin, I need time and understanding..You can't rush a building, otherwise if you do the building may look great, beautiful in fact, but the foundations it lays on are crap and won't last long.. . I am sure you understand what I mean Modin.. Time is a healer.. And I need time.

Considering what I have been through in my life, uptil when I had a heart attack and heart surgery in 2016 I had survived pretty well.. I had contained all the pain, controlled all the hurt and tried to be the best loving father a man can possibly be. So my children may have a better life than I did and not see their dad in turmoil because of his past.

Sometimes I failed, my children sometimes saw my pain and my depression, but I tried so hard to contain it, and keep it private to me.
It wasn't easy..
I am very family orientated. My kids are everything.

But as I got older, the cracks started to appear, a few years before my heart attack and especially after. By then, my children are adults of their own.

I don't think this generation tolerates a manic depressive, because that's what I am, let's not beat around the Bush.. The old generation did.. This generation just wants pretty balloons and lovely bows and if they don't get it, God do they let you know about it. Lol..
Dissclaimer: I'm not saying the whole of the population of the young people, I'm saying some... Just to make that clear..

To put it bluntly, my kids love me, but since my heart problem especially and since my depression has kicked in so bad, their old man has become something of an embarrassment to them.
I don't blame them I guess, I'm embarrassed of my depression myself..

Unfortunately, as is the problem after evasive surgery, with some people, depression kicked in then memories followed, flooded back, bad memories, that I thought I'd pushed down deep.

Of course I have functioned like anybody else in life, I've brought up two lovely children that I love very much and very proud of. I've lived a life, contributed to society as best I can , but the pains still there Modin, it never leaves you. You just learn to push it down deep inside.

Every good professional I've talked to, has said that when you hit your fourties or your fifties it is normal for those memories to knock you down at this age, to send you into a spiral of depression. For some reason unbeknown to us, this seems to be the age you suffer if you've been a child victim. :(

When you've been through abuse in your life, pain, heartache, and a lot of that has come from your own family. . You have no idea of the pain and dispair in my life its caused me.
But I never give up hope in persueing that happiness, that cure, to make all that hurt and memories go away.

If I didn't have some resemblance of hope, I wouldn't be here now. And my first suicidal attempt years ago wouldn't have failed.

Why is it abusers always have an amazing friendship base. People on the outside that don't know what theyve done, love them.... amazing :(

But yet victims, live a life of loneliness and dispair, their pain isolating them from the world. And even if some are not isolated, they still suffer the recurring memories everyday in their mind. They inprison their mind.. Because of an abuser..

I am very proud of my life, Iam a god man, with a good heart and I've loved and cared for people in my life. Ive been strong when I've had to be, loved people, protected my family when I needed to and tried to live in a sometimes selfish society. I think making it to fifty has been a miricale in itself. So we'll done me, lol..

Sometimes life for some, comes with scares, and there's not much you can do about that Modin, but prey you make it through..

I'm still a human being, even though depression takes away your self respect.

And I still hold out hope that I can get through this!!!
I maybe a man with considerable pain inside, but I'm still an optimist till the very end.

And I have a woman that loves me very much...

And that's after, a week of seriously contemplating suicide. Where the only reason I'm here still, is because of the kindness of others, and the unwavering support they gave me.
And to them I owe a lot. I am forever grateful.
I wish there was more people like them in the world..

I am exhausted Modin, I've divulged more than I usually would.
That's enough for me. My head needs a break

Take care
J

sukhdipchhokr
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2020 12:35 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby sukhdipchhokr » Thu Jul 02, 2020 5:28 pm

modin wrote:This is definitely not all there is to life. Life has lows but it also has highs. The secret to it I think is surrounding yourself with good people who have the ability to love you, and the only way you can do that is by loving yourself first. (I know it sounds like a stupid motivational poster thing but I believe it's true!)

Lots of people do things out of the goodness of their hearts. Unfortunately, they can be hard to find. The important thing is to keep trying. There are lots of people really to listen to you and care about you :)

I don't think you're selfish either. We all need attention and recognition every now and then, some of us more than others. It's fine to have those needs and it's fine to ask for help when those needs are unfulfilled.

I've always had trouble making friends and I've also felt lonely and isolated in my life a lot. I find it easier to make friends over the internet. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here :) (though idk how private messages work over here)


Hi J51

Try to surround yourself with great people who will take but also give. Stay positive.

Kind regards

Sukhdip

modin
Posts: 25
Joined: Sun Jun 07, 2020 4:41 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby modin » Thu Jul 02, 2020 7:51 pm

Hey J, sorry about that sentence which you thought wasn't well put. I wasn't making an affirmation, I was asking a question, but you're right, it was poorly worded because it was too easy to misunderstand. I just meant to challenge that view you had, that there was no hope! I think there definitely is hope as long as you believe in it, no matter what.

You're right that it's easier said than done, and maybe too easy for me to tell you. But I thought you needed to hear it so I still did. I can't imagine the despair you're in, how overwhelming your emotions must be, how dark your outlook - can't imagine how much it hurts. I also can't imagine how the abuse you've suffered has changed you, sorry if I ever pretended to.

It all needs time, that I know :) I won't rush my own healing either. As long as we keep trying, it's all about the baby steps. I was maybe trying a bit too hard to instill a grain of hope in you because I felt you needed it badly. But I didn't want to appear hard-headed. Hey, I've a lot yet to learn! But my intentions were always good.

Thank you for telling me all that you did! I agree with everything you said. I'm glad that you're proud of yourself in all your ways and I'm also glad to hear that you still have hope. You divulged just enough, and I know how hard it was for you to put it all out here for everyone to see.

There is only one thing which has jumped out at me in your post, and that is when you said that you were embarrassed of your depression. Despite the fact that professionals have told you it is normal and not unexpected and despite the fact that you can find a source to this depression and explain it (although there surely is the mystery of why it is hitting you so hard now after you've warded it off for so long). Until you truly accept that you have the right to feel how you feel, that it is not unreasonable or excessive or weak, I think it'll be harder for you to heal.

You don't have to like that you feel like this, just to understand why you do and to forgive yourself for it. I think that's the first step in healing your self-respect. Of course, it's also normal that you'd be embarrassed since you've been so strong for so long. You still hold yourself to that standard, you think you should be able to continue, the fact that you can't is something you live as a failure. So the question to ask would be... what could be the reasons that it's so hard for you now? What changed around you, what changed in you and is it something you should feel bad about?

I am also wondering if repressing the memories is the best way to go about it. If it really heals anything or if it makes it worse or delays the problem for later. But is it even possible to heal? Or would you break completely before that point? Again I can't imagine how hard this is to live with. It might be that repressing is the best course of action, but I've read about the benefits of accepting rather than repressing and I think it might prove a better solution. I think it's a question worth considering, at least.

You can get through this J. I'm certain of this. However long it takes! Take it easy :)

j51
Posts: 23
Joined: Fri Jun 05, 2020 4:58 pm

Re: Feeling Isolated

Postby j51 » Thu Jul 02, 2020 10:15 pm

Hi Sukhdip,

Thank you for your kind words, I am doing my best to find such people. When your a depressive friends seem to disappear like water down a plug hole.
One good thing, you save on charcoal, because there’s no one to have a barbecue with in the summer.
Not that many have had a normal summer this year.

Its friendly advice you give, and I respect that, and I’m trying my best to find those positive people.

Good luck in whatever journey has brought you here.

J51


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