Hi, I know this is an old thread but I stumbled across it last night and so many of you were mentioning exactly what I am going through and your messages already helped.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three and a half years. For the first few years, things were perfect, I couldn’t believe it. He was bright and adventurous with lots of hobbies, runs his own business etc. He was really affectionate towards me, loving and sweet. In the past year, his sex drive started to deteriorate. I kept telling myself it was because we were living at his mum’s house at the time because we had bought a place to renovate and couldn’t live in it yet. But he has become less and less interested in me. Finally in the summer, he cracked and said he wanted space from me. After the initial panic, I gave him space and he admitted it was because he was depressed. His sister told me he has been depressed in the past and even taken medication for it but I never knew. Selfishly, I feel hurt that he never told me or got to the point of pushing me away for space before telling me he felt depressed.
Fast forward to this past week.. things had been a little better again, but then last weekend out of no where after spending the day together he said he wanted to be on his own and for me to leave. I was so shocked I just got up and left because I’ve been living cautiously since the summer so didn’t flip out and held my tongue. He text me saying ‘You’ve not done anything wrong, you’re perfect. I just want to be on my own’. The next day I had to pick up some things for work from his house so I just dropped by in the evening and asked if I could grab them. Didn’t even take my coat off to show I was not trying to invade his space. When I left he then text instantly saying ‘I love you. I’m just feeling depressed and need space. Why didn’t you message and say you were coming or wanted those things.‘
We’ve now been in a week of limbo, him texting me then seemingly getting pissed off at me if I am too keen with replying, he asked me on a date to the cinema on Friday after having not seen him all week, then when I drove us back to his mum’s house and asked if I should stay or go he said he hadn’t thought about it then went quiet, so I stayed. It was nice and he cuddled me all night in his sleep... while I lay there freaking out .. clearly haha. In the morning I had to go off to do other things and it was just like it was before. Then last night he told me he didn’t want to stay together again and I had to go to my parents house and explain why after three years I appear to be moving back in with them!!
This is a huge message, but the main things I’m really struggling with are:
- he appears to want space from me but not from his friends or anyone else
- he’s really hot and cold - telling me he wants space but then making contact early the next day
- him having no empathy- I fainted at work from not sleeping or managing to eat through fear of what is happening to our relationship and when I told him during the date he ignored me
I’ve been reading as much as I can about depression and trying to be kind and understanding and not selfish and give him appropriate amounts of space and love, and I’m making loads of excuses for him for the way he is treating me. But I have no idea what’s right and wrong