I just came here as I don't know what else to do.
I've had depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. It began as a child, my father left when I was 5 and completely ignored my existence, leaving my mother alone to severely neglect, endanger and emotionally abuse me. I was taken into care at age 6, but was fostered by people who really didn't help.
Anyway, I'm in my late 20s now and have received therapy which I felt was really beneficial. I came from there being able to set boundaries and identify my own needs and realise I deserve to have those met. I realised the way my mother, father and foster parent's acted was not my fault and I have been failed many times. I began to feel nothing for my mother. No love, hate or anger which has been present before.
I had left school with no qualifications, I went years thinking I wasn't clever enough. At 21, during my time in therapy, I self-studied and in the space of a few months got all A*-B grades.
Shortly after, I met my partner. I was so happy for a short time.
He has always been so supportive and done the best he can. He doesn't always get it right, and has issues of his own but he's a good person.
I just find him very overbearing and suffocating.
I'm a very introverted person and I take naps to cope. Even when I don't feel too bad, I'm always tired and have no motivation at all. I've taken multiple blood tests and there's no sign of anything physically wrong. I need to "hide" and get away from people, so I go upstairs and watch TV or take a nap to be away from my partner. I hate that there's someone living with me that witnesses this.
I feel under immense pressure to be more "normal", but that's not possible, if it was I wouldn't choose to be like this. In the past, we have had arguments because I haven't done the dishes and he has to and he says things like it's not normal or other people don't do this or have to deal with this. I have had to explain that I can't help it.
I work at a place that takes around 40 mins to get to. He drives me there (around once a week) because I can't drive (as I have tried and had multiple panic attacks during the tests and messed up) and I can't deal with the stress of public transport, so he takes me and he says he's happy to - yet during an argument he says that he does so much for me.
He does do a lot for me, but I feel it gets used as a weapon.
Every time, literally every time, I express that he's done or said something to upset me, he gets defensive and says I need therapy. It's as if he does so much for me - so I shouldn't feel like that, or I shouldn't mention it to him, I don't know.
I started to notice a pattern, going back 3yrs. I used to work 12hr nights (+2hrs travel each way) and it was a physically demanding job too. I'd have to come home and only get 4-5hrs sleep because I had to be up.
I would be very quiet and not very sociable. If anyone spoke to me, I'd reply but not have much character in my voice (if that makes sense), my reply would be flat or one worded. Just because I was so tired. He started snapping at me and saying that I was "being arsey" and it would create tension, I really wasn't and I would explain that I was just tired. There'd be an atmosphere.
We used to have a housemate and he once commented that my partner needs to realise how tiring it is.
It seemed that every time I worked and didn't get much sleep, this would happen. Then I began getting so frustrated and having to explain how physically demanding it was and it wasn't just me, people I worked with felt the same too except they didn't have to travel. And he'd say well I travel, everyone travels to work. Yeah, but not in a job like this plus all that travelling on busy public transport with multiple changes. I don't know anyone who did that.
I had to explain it, and justify my need to be left alone and tiredness.
Around a year ago, I saw on his phone that he'd been on Facebook talking to some one. Non-sexual, but he knows it would of upset me and I was so shocked because I felt the person I knew wasn't the sort of person who would do this. My mental health was already declining at the time but this triggered a breakdown.
I haven't been able to work or do much since. Even though I don't feel anything about the incident and seemed to have gotten over it.
I have done a few shifts here and there, as I work casually/ zero hours now, which works around my poor mental health. He makes me food and takes me, but the issue occurs every time.
Last time he went off because the dishes weren't done.
I was supposed to work tonight, I started to get ready and he said he wasn't feeling too good. He's stressed at the moment because he's leaving his job to be self-employed but in doing this he's doubling his income. He asked if I wanted anything to eat before I go. He began to make me egg and toast but had burnt the toast. I explained to him that the toaster is on the correct setting so there's no need to keep popping it up and checking on it as that just resets the timer and leaves it on longer.
He shouted at me to do it myself then and insists I said this in a disrespectful way. I absolutely did not. Due to the recurrence of this issue, that happens every time I go to work, I had a major panic attack and have not been able to go in. I had to call in sick and now I feel even worse.
He's suffocating me and I don't know how to escape. I'm feeling really awful and very anxious. I'm currently upstairs in a dark room hiding away.
Apologies for the long post, and if you've got this far - thank you!