Ramblings of the Spent

[levi]

Hey

I'm new on here, and this is my first post. I know the etiquette on forums is to get involved in other's posts before making your own; so make your own mind up.

I’ve ended up writing quite a long and boring story below. But it was really nice to do so. It’s funny, without good reason I feel like there’s judgement against depression. It’s odd to say it, as I’ve come to realise I myself am depressed, that regardless of whether people can sympathise and want to help; we’re simply no fun to be around. That always makes it a chore, and through diffusion means we only drag others down with us.

On that note of being no fun; my story doesn’t have any incredible tales or horrific events. Perhaps it’s just a mediocre life for a snowflake millennial, but below is a pretty honest summary of what I’ve identified towards my issues. Apparently “Gestalt” is about self awareness, and understanding these things can help to overcome them.

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I’ve never tried suicide but it still holds significance in my life, being used as a ‘get out of jail card’; the reason I don’t have to sort my life out. If things get that bad, I’ll just dip out of this world - cya’s! Up until recently managed to change things in my life to attempt to gain meaning - silly things like getting a new job, moving flat, learning to drive - that distract the mind for a little while. My issue now is that I've ran out of things, or more likely, ran out of will. I'm at the end of the line but too damn scared to use my 'get out of jail' card.

If I had a pill that would stop me from waking up, I'd take it in a heartbeat, but actually I don't consider myself as 'at risk', because messy knives or failed/painful overdose attempts scare me just a little more than going on for another day. After all; I'm not distressed, just spent.

When reading about other's experiences, it often focus' on one or two events and how that affected them - a noticeable change. I don't feel like I'm battling against events, or trying to 'get back to my normal self', I feel this is my normal self. To be cured of my feelings would be to destroy my whole identity and leave me with nothing.

It’s the little things that drain the hope. It’s being born with a genetic disease which means the majority of your childhood is spent in hospital or on crutches or in a wheelchair - starting life as the odd one out and never really getting to grips with social norms. Hell, it’s the doctors telling your parents that their kid is just “seeking attention” whilst in pain for over a year before refereed to a specialist for this genetic issue. It’s living in a world where primary school children gang up as 6 to beat on a younger kid on crutches. It’s feeling guilty all this attention left my brother neglected.

It’s losing the friendships with the people in your area once they start secondary school and realise they’re actually way too ‘cool’ and ‘hard’ to hang around with the fat white kid who can’t run. It’s finding that out through bullying and violence.

It’s starting secondary school with no friends and no damn clue how to get them. It’s letting people call you all sorts and going along with it because at least you feel like you exist for the 10 seconds of being laughed at. It’s realising you can’t just ‘stand strong’ when people are mean because kids 4 years your elder are happy to give you a black eye for daring to defend yourself when being pushed around.

It’s having parents who struggle to cope financially or morally and can’t find meaning in their lives, whilst having two sides of a family which both see you as the other side. It’s also seeing both of those sides fight internally, surviving on drugs and lies - turning bothers and sisters against each other - isolation.

It’s seeing the people you considered role-models turn into horrible people from the pressures and influences around them. “don’t joke about that sort of stuff” scoffed as I don’t deny being homosexual to someone trying to insult me (I’m not, but I’ll never defend myself against the accusation). Another refers to all Asian’s only by slur. Both agree “about time they got a some of their own medicine” when a Mosque is attacked.

It's repeatedly collecting your distressed mother when she keeps going back to the same aggressive guy after destroying your father heart.

It’s putting everyone else before yourself due to having no self worth, and them affirming it with no gratitude or reciprocation; just increasing their feelings of entitlement.

It’s about being the excuse for everything bad and never the reason for anything good. It’s “how embarrassing you didn’t knock them out” when drunken friends get themselves into trouble, “you weren’t much use” when a gang of armed robbers invade your family home.

It’s developing eczema (or something) when everyone else is growing out of it, but never having it diagnosed. It’s developing severe allergies to all of the testable allergens over time and having no doctors attempt to explain why.

It’s about not being able to enjoy yourself out due to avoiding foods and drinks and sweating (used to love a good dance) because you’d pay for it physically for weeks after. Damn it’s only being able to eat really basic foods and becoming a twig of a man because it’s just not worth the cooking.

It’s being prescribed the same useless creams and dangerous tablets to subdue the effects but no-one caring about the cause. It’s about being in physical pain every day at work and then sneaking off to the toilets to have a good old tear at the back of your legs before washing the blood from your hands.

Damn it’s about having a better paying job than the anyone else you know and constantly feeling morally obligated to bail out ‘friends and family’ when they reach thousands in debt from hard drugs and fast cars. It’s about feeling like no matter how hard you work you can’t treat yourself because you need the reserves for the people around you.

It’s about being surrounded by different forms of mental illness and having to put on the strong face, ‘cos if you’re not the strong one the whole world will crumble on itself.

It’s about falling in love but never being able to comprehend that someone would want to be more than a passing part of your life, and watching them slowly drift into the arms of others. It’s about never being in a relationship and never believing it could ever happen, or even wanting it to happen because it’s all too much anyway and relationships are hard right?

It’s about watching the small friendship group you you managed to pull together fall apart as they grow up, move away, find partners, buy houses - whilst you still spend every night after work in a dark room with a spliff watching bad TV and playing computer games. But now on your own.

It’s about learning instruments and writing songs and poetry to try bring some meaning and expression into your dull and apathetic life; but having no-one to share with. Is expression really expression if there’s no-one around to hear it?

It’s about diving full force into your work to try and find some meaning there, just to realise the only people benefiting from your extra effort and longer hours are the high-ups who look down their noses at my like. Sh** I musta’ worked 150% hours for two years and came out with a disciplinary after telling someone to shut up over a private messaging app (apparently they were well connected with the head of HR for the country). It’s leaving that job just to realise everywhere is the same - because everyone is the same. You don’t get to be one of those corporate d***head without starting out as a d***head. It’s about feeling trapped in a well paying profession that you hate but don’t feel secure enough to leave.

Heck I’ll need a hip replacement by 40 so it’s also the pressure that you’re only getting more physically unable whilst squandering your best years.

It’s about not being able to enjoy popular TV, films, music, because you can’t relate to anything but despair and hopelessness. It’s about sitting on your own in silence at group events because everything about you is depressing and boring - and everything about them is silly and unrelatable.

It’s about living on a fastly dying world, with a regressing species.

It’s about paying a therapist £50/hour even though it’s not making a difference, just to try and convince yourself that you’re working on it. We’re not out of options yet...

It’s not about sadness, it’s not about failure. It’s about running out of options. I succeed at a lot of things I do, but it never changes the way I feel about myself, or the world I live in.

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All the kind words in the world wont change the way I live my life. Even the nicest company just makes me anxious. Heck the more I understand how I've come to be how I am, the bigger the mountain to climb looks. I guess I feel there's no 'baseline' to aim back towards, as I've never been 'fixed' - faulty since manufacture. So hit reset, somehow?

Cheers,
Scott

[bluebell123]

I can't say much since i am totally exhausted, that's a depression thing. I know where you are, I am there. No need to say much. They talk about recovery, recover what? I am depression, it's all i am, it's who i am. Thought about the £50 per hr therapy but purely to prove my point that nothing can be don't to fix me, might have got some perverse kick out of proving the therapist could no way fix me. Well i'm afraid i am so exhausted cannot type more. Sorry i cannot offer any solutions, but i hear you. Regards Aisling

[bluebell123]

Just another thought, please keep posting, i will keep checking in. I'have not much to do, spend most of the day curled up on the bed, won't tell you my thoughts, they may be triggering. Have told my pychiatrist, all i got for revealing my torment was a discharge to gp's care. I think there must be many of us out there, but they don't post, probably think "what's the bloody point, no one can help". Aisling

[levi]

Hey,

Thanks for the reply. I jumped straight in to writing this thread, but have have a read around a little and been comforted by some shared experiences.

I'm very lucky that my situation has given me enough independence to self-intervene before falling too far. Therapy has definitely helped despite my woes, it's helped make sense of things and handle them better - my mind is much clearer than it was. The hopelessness is still there though, even the smallest steps forward seem unreachable, 1 forward then 2 back when attempted. Still not sure what forward is either.

I read through the thread about your brother and you come across as very strong to me. Somewhere we are strong, even f that doesn't make us any happier.

Hope you have more good days.

Cheers,
Scott.

[bluebell123]

Hello Scott,

The whole thing with my brother came to a head, there was way too much pain welling up in me, aching lump in my chest. This time i had to tell him that his being in contact had brought up too much parental garbage for me and combined with feeling he used me as surrogate mother/therapist i could no longer have any contact with him. I clearly spelled out some of the things i had been thru in 3 long sms messages, but he made no comment about them. Said he had no anger about his parents. That was the lightbulb moment for me. He had however directed anger at me, i reminded him of this and said i could only presume he got his attitude about how to treat me from them. I have now cut contact with him. Aisling

[bluebell123]

You have inspired me to tell some of my story, thank you for sharing yours. I am the eldest child, just have one brother. From research online am quite horrified that the only thing that seems to decribe my mother is Narcisstic Personality Disorder. Father had anger like thunder, but at least i got some respite from that sice within 30 mins of coming home from work he was drunk, drunk all weekend too. I had quite a bit of life in me as a child, unlike my very submissive brother who could do no wrong in my parents' eyes.

Shit happened, was left at the age of 4 1/2 to walk the whole length of the village to school on my own as mother couldn't/wouldn't get her act togethet to walk me to school, too busy with new baby. One day walked into oncoming traffic, fortunatley it was an ambulance and managed to slow down. Parents solution to deal with my first wobbly tooth was for one of them to hold me down on sofa whilst the other pulled my tooth out. Mother told me i was going to give me a cookery lesson or i would not get a husband, i said i was not going to end up like her with a drunk who slept around. She picked up a carving knife and came at me with it. I managed to run upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom til my father came home. Could not tell him what happenned, it would have been my fault to him. Aged 11, i got a lovely kitten, because it scratched me and shit under mother's bed she made me take it to the vets to have it put down. Well you get the picture. Sorry a bit tired now, will text more another time. Regards Aisling

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Scott

I'm very grateful not to have your illness but I could relate to a lot of other stuff.

I wonder if anything at this link rings a bell with you?

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... /#avoidant

ATTMP