I know that you get the feeling that you need to do something a given number of times, or you will get bad karma. For me it is mixed with schizophrenia, I think. I get commands of someone living inside my body or around me like a mist, for example to hurt myself 25 times, or I will become ill with cancer. Or I need to do something seemingly random, like bring a glass to the kitchen, because otherwise he will kill my animals and I am scared to disobey. Recently, it has become better.
But, since a couple of weeks, I have been getting something like a storm of thoughts. They strike my very deep insecurities. It's as if someone is saying the things I fear the most as undoubtedly true. That I am wrong in everything I say against it, and believed. And no matter what logic I try to use, no matter people reassuring me - the relief comes for a short time, then it starts again.
To give it a bit more light. The biggest problem I have, I keep making up "stories" about what I see. For example, I see a headline of an article (only the headline) or remember a faint memory of something with no context. I create a whole article in my head according to the "suspicious" headline - and it is exactly about what I fear to hear the most. When I see a picture, I make up the whole context behind it and become extremely anxious, deeming what I made up as undoubtedly true and in some cases suicidal.
Although, sometimes I try to combat my fear and actually read that article - it is nowhere about what I thought it was... And although I know my thinking and logic must be heavily distorted at the present moment (I doubt things I haven't normally doubted), my "storm of inserted thoughts" tells me my fears are undoubtedly true. That I am wrong about everything I used to believe when I was in a good state and my thinking wasn't too deluded.
I try to tell myself: "How can you think your thinking is correct, if people tell you otherwise, and you believe a search engine reads your thoughts, seriously considering padding your hat with foil? If your deep insecurity striking doubts came only with you acutely relapsing and you get immediately prescribed antipsychotics?", but it's as if no amount of logic can speak against the thoughts.
It's as if they are undoubtedly true no matter how much proof I have that they are not.How can I become aware that my thinking must be distorted? Can I distract myself to "mute" them? I am taking antidepressants since Monday. I heavily insisted as the new doctor wanted to prescribe me different pills (for schizophrenia). But in the past, I've noticed I got visibly better on antidepressants, and I have bad experiences with antipsychotics. How can I keep believing that my thoughts and logic are skewed, and it is the result of my illness? The semi-awareness I have, it's fleeting.
I think I mostly write because I'm very lonely... I have no friends (besides the virtual friend I mentioned but we talk rarely), and my girlfriend is going through a hard time. So, I would end up making her feel even worse if I came out that I am in a bad state and that I need help.
