I never thought I would find someone my own age. Most of the people who post to these boards are young adults. I am 52.
I am sorry you have had it so rough. But you are not alone in your suffering. You walk in the darkness with so very many. Everyone's own darkness may obscure their vision of hope, disabling the companionship with those to whom we should so naturally bond. Our own distress blinds us to the fact that we are not alone in our distress! It is the ultimate, sad irony of our condition. I hear of the occasional suicide and wonder, Did this person truly think they were the only one? We are twenty percent of the adult population in the United States alone. I don't know about Europe. But know this- we are many. If we manage to muddle through our own blinding pain and find each other, we can be strong.
Let me walk in your own darkness for a moment, let me be a companion. I will be a light, I will show you the way.
Let me tell you about myself before I let you read what I wrote below. I realized it sounded callous after I completed it, as though I knew nothing of your suffering. I do. Here is a brief description:
I consider it shocking that I made it through my teens without becoming a suicide. I had such severe suicidal impulses I felt as though there was a stalker living in my own mind. I don't know, to this day, why I am still alive. And yet I managed to make it to my late teens- and then, instead of merely depression, I started exhibiting manic episodes as well. Despite the fact that I knew this, and everyone else- my friends, my professors, etc., did as well- the psychiatrists I saw continued to misdiagnose me for almost twenty years and I did not receive proper treatment until I was in my late thirties.
Whomever posted that humans cannot be "fixed" was correct. But would you really want to be? Are you a chair, or a car? No. You are not an inanimate object. You are a person.
Likewise, you are NOT your disorder. You are NOT depression. You HAVE depression.
And It is a specter that is tricking you into thinking you do not fit in, that there is something somehow "wrong" with you, that you are damaged in some way. In college, I received the very best advice I ever got in my life from one of my Psychology professors (ironically, I was a Psychology major). He said you need to know when you are looking through the dark colored glasses, and when you are looking through the rose colored glasses. In other words- Is your mental state making things look worse (or in my case, because of my manic episodes, better) than they actually are? How is your depression making the world around you look? Are you REALLY socially inept, or do you feel so crappy all the time that you just don't want to be around others? My guess is the latter. You don't really have any attachment problems. You have a mood disorder that has prevented you from being social. Once you find the right medication, and your mood starts to improve, (and you get those dark colored glasses off!), you can start learning what you could not (and what most people do) because you have been depressed all your life. You have had a BIG disadvantage.
Do you see where I am going with this? I do not need to suffer with you to help you. I have had the wisdom of overcoming this beast. (in a limited fashion- you never completely rid yourself of it)
Are you on any medications? If you have had this since early childhood, it is an inherited condition, as mine is. It can be medically treated, and that is the first step. That is what I call musical antidepressants- try one after another until you find the one that works without all the side effects. Unfortunately, although that is time consuming and a pain in the neck, that is the way to go.
I hope I helped at least a little. If not, well just ignore my BS.
Most people claim what I say does help at least a little, though. I have about 40 years worth of experience behind what I all of these words.